Let me tell you about my diving, sprawling, fingertip catch. And, while I'm on with it, my clean bowled – with the batsman's off stump sent cartwheeling away. Artistic licence? You bet. OK, I did take a catch and I did take a wicket but they were hardly in the Freddie Flintoff category. The opening of a new season of Have Bat Will Travel season begins at Malham and the all-conquering Malhamdale Cricket Club – well, they have won two, six-a-side competitions already this summer.
Village cricket is alive and well here in this beautiful corner of Yorkshire where the atmosphere of friendship is as unspoilt as the countryside itself. Malham lies in a pocket of the county that always gives the impression of a land where nothing changes. Team captain Mark Throup, a local farmer, sets me right on that point as we limber up in The Buck Inn just before the game with nearby Hartlington.
"Farms have gone out of the village now and the land has been either split up amongst remaining farmers or has been sold to those who have come here," he says. Like many other villages that have gone the same way, Mark doesn't believe that what has happened to Malham has necessarily all been good, but he's not bitter.
"A lot of people who come to live here do get involved with village life and quite a few either play or come along to our matches. The cricket team is an important part of our village life. It gets everybody together. If you're a farmer, like myself, you don't really get to see anybody during most weeks, but when cricket season is on we all come down here and get along great. You also find that everyone seems to have the same problems you have, which helps in a way."
In the isolated world that farmers sometimes inhabit, such social activity is probably more vital now than ever: it is clear the benefits of the cricketing side should not be underestimated as part of its fabric.
And this isn't some village where farming has been relegated to a bit part in the community, even though money has talked by bringing in a new population.
"We have eight farmers who play regularly in the team, and now some of their young lads are starting to play, too. In fact, we now have nearly enough young lads around to be able to field a team of them from Malhamdale and play one or two fixtures of their own."
The difficulty of keeping young people in any village where jobs are ultimately going to be limited and where housing is generally expensive may mean that the current crop of youngsters end up playing their cricket elsewhere. But Mark is hopeful that there will be new opportunities as they grow up.
"We now have a Malhamdale Plan, which has shown a need for the building of nine new houses, affordable houses, every year for the next five years. They are to be built to provide homes for those with traditional Dales jobs."
One of those who came to the community of Malhamdale nearly 20 years ago was Tim Zillessen, who worked with me on Farming in Yorkshire magazine for a number of years and whose legendary spin bowling was soon snaffled up by the team.
"I'm still a grockle," he says with a smile – that's an off-cumnant or someone from out of the area who has moved in. But I've played here since the early '90s and it really is a joy to go around all of the other villages with the team.
"It certainly brings you into the fold and you also understand better the trials and tribulations that many around here suffered both during and since the times when foot-and-mouth disease ravaged the hills. It's still not back on an even keel, even five years on. The cricket is fun, but it's also taken seriously and we're certainly very competitive. If you drop a catch, no-one talks to you in the bar afterwards."
I chose this moment not to mention that my catching record for the season stood firmly on nil, despite numerous close calls. And so, introductions made, pleasantries exchanged, the Malhamdale team completed its pre-match, pub-based warm-up with a leisurely stroll, all of 80 yards, to the Pantlands ground after Mark put the final arrangement in place by bringing along another 20-pack of beers.
He described the wicket as of "variable bounce" but it was no worse than many others I've played on. It was prepared by Tony Cawthorne – chief groundsman, club scorer and also secretary for the annual Malhamdale Show (which is on August 26).
"I played for the team at one time, but I'm the only one with a lawnmower so I took on the job unopposed," says Tony. "The wicket has really come on in the last few years."
The customary sheep-droppings would make life interesting for any townie cricketers, but to village players they can sometimes be more of a help than a hindrance – particularly as we found when one firm drive from a Hartlington batsman was stopped by the earlier efforts of what must have been a rather large Swaledale or Mule ewe. Fortunately our fielder had his mouth closed as the ball stopped dead.
The game itself? We opened well and posted a creditable 114 from our allotted 20 overs with beef and sheep farmer Neil Heseltine striking the ball well and retiring at 25. Wicket-keeper Paul Darwin and I struck up an immediate rapport with our batsmen waiting to come in (we were heckled it has to be said) for not getting on with it fast enough, but we were facing the cream of Hartlington's bowling. Rodney Wainman, one of the hecklers, then showed us how to do it the Malhamdale way as he slogged us onward towards a match winning position.
In the field, we had the safe hands of Neil Heseltine (three catches), Phil Dewhurst, Rodney Wainman and a diving, one-handed catch from teenage sensation Richard Carr to see us through. There was drama in the 12th over when Tim was summoned to bowl, putting down his beer next to the three empties that umpire Mike Briggs had already stored behind the stumps, Tim proceeded to tweak a ball which the batsman skied to mid-off where yours truly was under it.
Two overs later, off a shortened run I took away the off-stump of (until then) big hitter Mike Daggett. This brought young William Wildman to the crease. "I can see a pair of pads and a helmet coming in to bat," said keeper Paul, as four-foot something William made his way to the crease. He and teenager Alex McIntyre, both Malhamdale lads, were helping out Hartlington on the night. They proceeded to take the visitors through to a respectable total, but not enough to make us sweat. William, who ca0nnot be more than 10 years old, also took the wicket of one of our finest batsmen.
Malhamdale also has a girls' rounders team, who were playing on the same night, adding colour (and distraction) to the evening. They're also doing well and beat Hellifield 22-11 to keep themselves high in their league table.
"It's bit different to last year when we only won one match all season," says Charlotte Throup, proving that village sport is alive and well for both sexes in Malhamdale.
The evening finished where it had started, in The Buck, where landlady Julie Boocock and her staff served up bacon butties by the truck-load. I left Malham at 10.30pm, complete with club tie, a store of great moments and warm glow of how much fun and how important village cricket still is to this breathtaking corner of Yorkshire.