The quotes of the year

Mayor of London Boris Johnson. (Andrew Matthews/PA Wire).
Mayor of London Boris Johnson. (Andrew Matthews/PA Wire).
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A pithy quote can often sum up events far more effectively than a whole ream of reporting. Grant Woodward rounds up some of the funniest, strangest and downright rudest musings of 2015.

POLITICS

Lord Sugar is no fan of Piers Morgan.

Lord Sugar is no fan of Piers Morgan.

Am I tough enough? Hell, yes, I’m tough enough. – Ed Miliband attempts to bat away suggestions he would be too weak on the international stage ahead of his General Election defeat.

Ajockalypse Now. – The term coined by Boris Johnson to describe a prospective Labour government propped up by the SNP.

I bet you didn’t think things would actually get worse. – What Ed Miliband told MP Graham Stringer, one of the former Labour leader’s harshest critics, about Jeremy Corbyn.

It’s a big change from striding along the corridors of Whitehall to campaigning on tree-felling in Sheffield. – Nick Clegg on going from Deputy Prime Minister to a humble backbencher.

Relationship advice from the Dowager Countess?

Relationship advice from the Dowager Countess?

She was the sexiest matron I ever met. – Channel 4 newsreader Jon Snow recalls interviewing Margaret Thatcher.

Donald Trump can’t come up with with a hairstyle that looks human. How can he come up with a plan to defeat Isis? – Singer Cher on the would-be Republican candidate for the White House.

I find Jeremy Corbyn fascinating. He’s like Michael Foot without the looks. – Comedian Jasper Carrott.

Healey’s first law of politics: when you’re in a hole, stop digging. – Denis Healey, a giant of Labour politics and former Leeds MP, who died aged 98.

Jeremy Clarkson's altercation with a producer sparked one of the quotes of the year from co-star James May. PA Wire

Jeremy Clarkson's altercation with a producer sparked one of the quotes of the year from co-star James May. PA Wire

Don’t tell anyone, but my daddy’s the Prime Minister. – What four-year-old Florence Cameron, the Prime Minister’s daughter, told her grandmother.

SPORT

HE’S the only bloke I know who fell in love with himself at 16 and has been faithful ever since. – Ex-Yorkshire and England cricketer Darren Gough on Kevin Pietersen.

The doctor asked me a few questions, my name and stuff. I said ‘I’m Chris Froome’. – Team Sky cyclist Geraint Thomas after clattering into a telephone pole in the Tour de France.

Kirstie Allsopp is no fan of leggings, it seems.

Kirstie Allsopp is no fan of leggings, it seems.

I don’t have anything to say to them. They just have to look at me. – 2003 rugby World Cup winner Lawrence Dallaglio when asked what he says to boys who start courting his daughters.

It’s a bit strange, an Englishman winning something in Australia. – Ex-cricket star Andrew “Freddie” Flintoff who was made king of the jungle in the Australian version of I’m a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here.

I’m like Martin Luther King, I had a dream. – Jamie Peacock after inspiring Leeds Rhinos to rugby league’s treble in his final season as a player.

I don’t do anything. Nothing. I delegate. I delegate and I earn a lot of money. – Louis van Gaal, manager of Manchester United.

Last session on TMS has been magic for Boycott Bingo. Gary Sobers, rhubarb, corridor of uncertainty, Fred Trueman, Yorkshire. Heads down. – Tweet by jockey Tom Scudamore on Geoffrey Boycott’s punditry on cricket’s Test Match Special.

04W24W0W04100000 W40000110W020000401000 W000000000101000011 W0011200010040040000 W1W3000000000000400000000000001004W – a Twitter user manages to relay Australia’s entire first innings of the fourth Ashes Test in one Tweet.

Andy Murray showed he does have a sense of humour (PA).

Andy Murray showed he does have a sense of humour (PA).

Sorry, can’t watch this tennis match, Maria Sharapova sounds like she is in pain. – TV’s Lorraine Kelly on the Wimbledon player’s “constant screeching”.

Mike may be a bit upset and that’s fine. What did he say? That I missed my mum? Who doesn’t miss their mum? – Sam Burgess defends himself against Bath coach Mike Ford’s criticism after quitting rugby union after England’s diastrous World Cup to return to rugby league.

I’m really sorry. I am sorry that I am still somewhere a punching ball and I’m sorry for football. I’m sorry for Fifa. But I’m also sorry about me, how I am treated in this world of humanity. – Fifa president Sepp Blatter gives his reaction to an eight-year ban from football.

The greatest superstar and just a fabulous human being. Deeply saddened. – Former England international Jonny Wilkinson on the death of All Blacks rugby union legend Jonah Lomu.

A friend actually sent me a message the other day with an article from a newspaper which said Andy Murray is duller than a weekend in Worthing, which I thought was a bit harsh... to Worthing. – Andy Murray does a good line in self-deprecation as he’s named Sports Personality of the Year.

SHOWBUSINESS

Awards are like piles. Sooner or later, every bum gets one. – Hull-born actress Maureen Lipman.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free. – Comedian Darren Walsh’s award-winning joke at the Edinburgh Fringe.

It had the romance of a cleaning session. – Strictly Come Dancing judge Bruno Tonioli on TV weathergirl Carol Kirkwood’s waltz on the show.

Hello Ms Hilton can you tell me what you actually do? – Lord Sugar in a tweet to socialite heiress Paris Hilton after she had spoken about her “crazy summer schedule”.

He dances like a Cub Scout earning his good deeds badge. – Broadcaster Vanessa Feltz on fellow broadcaster Jeremy Vine, a contestant on Strictly Come Dancing.

Growing up looking like a cross between Ann Widdecombe, one of the Flower Pot Men and a monk. – Actress Miranda Hart on what inspired her to go into comedy.

I know several couples who are perfectly happy. Haven’t spoken in years. – Relationship advice from Downton Abbey’s Dowager Countess of Grantham, played by Dame Maggie Smith.

Save Clarkson? Save empty cardboard boxes and off-cuts of string. They’re far more useful. – Top Gear’s James May on the petition to restore his co-presenter Jeremy Clarkson to his job after he was accused of punching a producer.

Wearing a dress and chewing a pen is interpreted as something else. – TV interviewer Susanna Reid, who has been accused of flirting with her interviewees.

The main character is a monster who lives a life of isolation until society learns to live with him. Sounds like the biography of Piers Morgan. – Lord Sugar uses an Apprentice pitch for a children’s book to take a potshot at Piers.

Filthy weather. People are morons. – Thomas Cromwell gives his verdict on 16th century York in BBC drama Wolf Hall.

GROWING PAINS

I can’t compare myself with Jane Fonda, can I? I haven’t had the operations. – Avengers star Dame Diana Rigg isn’t one for cosmetic surgery.

I don’t begin to understand contemporary society. Nobody has yet been able to explain Facebook to me. – Actor John Cleese.

I don’t mind grey hair. I don’t mind bald or balding. I don’t even mind a bit of a paunch. Maybe too good-looking is where I have been going wrong. – Kylie Minogue on her quest for a relationship.

Once I take off my glasses I don’t really see anything. For all I know, I’m not getting older. – Richard Osman, co-presenter of BBC TV quiz show Pointless, on what he sees when he looks in the mirror.

I’ve just been on television longer than most and, as Alan Bennett said, if you get to 90 and can still sup a boiled egg, they’ll give you a Nobel Prize. – Broadcaster Sir David Attenborough.

It goes so fast that you can still remember why you went upstairs. – Actress June Whitfield on the latest stairlift.

I hate that awful moment when a white van man sees you from behind, wolf-whistles, then says ‘Sorry love’ when you turn round. – Sandra Howard, wife of former Tory leader Michael Howard, on ageing.

A LIFE MORE ORDINARY

I enjoy bricklaying. Like Winston Churchill, I find it restorative in times of stress. – Michael Bond, creator of Paddington Bear.

My mother always said there’s history in drain covers. I take pictures of them. People think it’s a little odd but there we are. – Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn.

Once a month I ring the bells for the morning service at my local church in Ilkley. It always surprises the bride and groom when they see me on the end of a rope. – TV’s Alan Titchmarsh.

I don’t really remember the film part of my films. Most of my memories are of things that were out of the frame, like where the portable toilets were. – Actress Meryl Streep.

I collect antique wooden flutes. I have about 50, and I like nothing more than to mix a perfect martini and play a couple. – Dancer Michael Flatley.

What wouldn’t you love about someone in a broom cupboard with a gopher? – Dr Foster star Suranne Jones reveals her first TV crush was Phillip Schofield.

I get joy from repairing. I get joy from repairing clothes. I get joy from composting. – Actor Jeremy Irons is easily pleased.

THEY SAID WHAT?

I’m alive. That’s probably as good as it’s going to get for a bit. – Tory peer Dido Harding when told that William Hill were taking bets on whether she would remain chief executive of TalkTalk by Christmas after its systems were hacked.

I still want to achieve. I want to learn the art of presenting. – Homes Under The Hammer host and former footballer Dion Dublin.

I’ve got an irrational fear of old carpets. If I get within 20 yards of an old carpet I come over all nauseous. – TV cook Lorraine Pascale.

Aged 12, I had my appendix removed to get out of a game of rugby. I faked a stomach ache and the doctor called my bluff. – Broadcaster Gyles Brandreth.

I sometimes spend up to 90 minutes on one tweet, I really do. And I have no shame in that, because my whole life has been about being correct. – Former boxer Chris Eubank.

Leggings should be illegal for certain people. There should be a leggings police. – TV’s Kirstie Allsopp.

The only way I would be caught without make-up is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue. – Dolly Parton.

Never mind the Queen, I actually looked like a tiny Hitler when I was seven. – Comedian Ricky Gervais.

I can’t stand leaf blowers. I seriously think they are one of the most evil things ever invented. – Bill Oddie, TV nature programme presenter and ex-Goodie.

I can’t wait for them to get here. It is time we had a more interesting species to talk to. I very much hope they will be music lovers. – Doncaster-born Soprano Lesley Garrett looks forward to visitors from outer space.

At least The Pope is still a Catholic. – The Independent newspaper’s editorial after a referendum in Ireland endorsed same-sex marriage.

Sleep is a tough one for me. I do have three animals and a human being in the bed, so there are all these distractions. – Actress Jennifer Aniston.