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Gervase Phinn: Out of the mouths of babes
On a visit to the Doncaster Civic Theatre my wife Christine and I lost ourselves in a wonderfully nostalgic evening filled with a gentle humour we so much enjoy. Caroline Fields, from BBC Radio 2 programme Friday Night is Music Night delighted her audience with sketches and songs written and once performed by the inimitable Joyce Grenfell.
There were the brilliantly written A Terrible Worrier and the hilarious Old Girls' Reunion but the show stopper for me was the unforgettable Nursery School Sketches. Joyce Grenfell's perfectly observed nursery school teacher keeps a simmering control over her temper when trying to deal with the recalcitrant infants. As the children's behaviour deteriorates, the teacher's tone becomes jollier and falser or as Joyce herself writes: "The bright, bluffingly calm, cheerful encouraging manner becomes increasingly desperate."
Those of us who have spent a lifetime in the company of children know only too well how she feels faced with the little Shirleens and Sidneys of the world. Joyce Grenfell loved what she called "young children's observations, discoveries and individualities" and was fascinated by the way that "young children can invariably surprise, confound and delight". I have met many an anarchic infant on my visits to schools. One rosy-faced little boy called Duane surprised and confounded the teacher at story time but "delight" is not the word that sprang to mind.
"This morning's story, children," began an infant teacher, "is the story of The Three Little Pigs."
"I've 'eard it," said Duane, exploring his nostril with an index finger. "Really, Duane, that's nice," said the teacher in true Joyce Grenfell fashion. "It's all abaat this wolf what gobbles up all these stupid pigs." "Just listen, Duane," said the teacher, smiling wanly.
"Little pig, little pig," began the infant, in the voice of Tommy Cooper, "let me in or I'll 'uff and I'll puff an' I'll blow yer 'ouse in."
The smile on the teacher's face was fixed. "Well, now you are going to hear it again." "Burr I know wor 'appens," the child told her. She continued with the age-old story of the foolish pigs who built their houses of straw and sticks and were then gobbled up by the wolf.
"Then the Big Bad Wolf came to the house of bricks. He crept down the little path and came to the door and scratched on it with his long claws. 'Little pig,' he growled, 'little pig, let me in, or by the hair on my chinny, chin chin, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in.''
"'E dunt gerrin," volunteered Duane. "'E tries gerrin in t'winder burr 'e can't gerrin. 'E gus on t'roof." "DUANE! Listen to the story!" snapped the teacher. "Burr I know wor 'appens," the child told her again. "If you are really good boy," the teacher told him, "you can tell us all what happens but you must be quiet until near the end."
The teacher took up the story again: "The wolf climbed on the roof. He looked down the chimney into the sooty darkness. 'Little pig, little pig,' he growled, 'I am coming down the chimney to gobble you up'.''
The teacher paused. "Now, Duane, what would you do if a wolf came down your chimney?"
"I'd wet mi pants," replied the infant.
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Saturday 04 February 2012
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