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Father, dear father, the family man
It's Father's Day on Sunday, but what does it mean to be a modern father? Chris Bond reports.
YOU may not have noticed, but there is a social revolution going on.
It perhaps isn't obvious, but it affects millions of people and cuts through every level of society.
In fact, it's deemed so important that the Government has funded an information pack to help people deal with it.
We're talking about fatherhood.
The days when mothers were solely responsible for looking after their children are, of course, long gone.
But while social convention encourages a reverential attitude towards motherhood – and rightly so – it seems that the role of fathers is a lot less certain.
The number of books aimed at mothers far outweighs those for fathers, and yet in this country men are now responsible for a third of the parental childcare for the under-fives.
As more mothers go to work while their partners stay at home, the relationship between a father and his child has become increasingly important.
But what does it mean to be a father now that families are changing so much?
It's a question that four Yorkshire writers and friends, themselves either fathers or step-fathers, are seeking to address.
Tom Palmer, John Siddique, Ray French and James Nash explore the highs and lows of fatherhood in a series of heart-warming stories captured in Four Fathers.
The book, which started out as an outline experiment, has been widely praised for its wit and pathos by, among others, Blake Morrison and Joolz Denby, and, after touring libraries and literary festivals across the country, the feedback was so positive that Pontefract-based publishers Route put their stories into print.
John Siddique is a 41-year-old poet whose father, an Indian Muslim, walked out when his son was just six, leaving his Irish Catholic mother to raise him and his three sisters.
"I don't blame him," he says "I know my mother could be difficult. But there were many times when I wished he'd been around and there are times when I still do."
John, who lives in Hebden Bridge, has himself been a step-father in two separate relationships, and, although in both cases he wasn't married, he believes it's a situation an increasing number of people find themselves in.
"It's not something that's really dealt with, but what happens when a relationship ends? Being an unmarried step-father is hard because there's no piece of paper which gives you any rights, so one day you're there and the next day you're not."
He admits this was a "hellish" experience to begin with, but despite the fact he split up with his ex-partner four years ago, he still stays in contact with her children.
"My step-son had a few problems to begin with but now he's fine because he sees it as having two dads rather than losing one," he says.
"I think it's a fact of life that more people are getting divorced and you pick up family as you go along. Which is why this book is important, because fatherhood isn't talked about in the same way that motherhood is."
Leeds-born writer Tom Palmer edited the book as well as contributing his own stories.
He never knew his father and was brought up by his mother and step-father.
Now 38, he is married and has a two-year-old daughter, called Iris. He says that working on the book made him reflect on his own relationship with his step-father.
"Writing about fatherhood made me realise what a good father he had been, because it can't have been easy, and I really admire what he did for me. He got me into reading, taught me how to fish and took me to football matches – all the things a father would do with his own son.
"My only regret is that I didn't realise how much he had done for me until after he was dead."
Despite being close to his step-father, he believes there is a unique bond between a mother and son, just as there is between a father and daughter.
"I had a special relationship with my mother, which people often do, but I think perhaps there's less conflict with a parent of the opposite sex."
He says that one of the main reasons for writing the book was to try to give a humane and accurate account of the complexities of fatherhood.
"One thing I've noticed is the way fathers are typecast in films and TV soaps as either stupid or long-lost figures who appear out of nowhere.
"If you take The Simpsons, it's Marge who has the strength of character while Homer is seen as this buffoon who stumbles through life."
So now that he is a father himself, how has it changed his outlook?
"Becoming a father has made me less self-absorbed because all of a sudden you're more concerned with another person than you are with yourself.
"But I really didn't think I was capable of loving someone as much as I love my daughter, and I've never been happier."
chris.bond@ypn.co.uk
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Saturday 26 May 2012
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