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The modern women who are choosing to stay single-minded
JANE is 40. She has two degrees and is an engineering consultant who travels the world, owning both a flat in London and a cottage in Yorkshire. She has a busy social life, and has had a few serious relationships which have eventually foundered on the rocks of heavy work commitments and time spent apart or her reluctance to get married.
"I've got nothing against marriage per se," she says. "But unlike my girl friends at school – and most of the female friends I made at university – I never assumed that marriage and children would be a part of my life. I used to feel a bit of an odd-one-out in a way, as my parents' marriage was a happy one, as is my sister's.
"My mother definitely thought I was weird in this way, although she was very supportive of my career. Basically, I've got to the top of a very competitive professional ladder, and I don't regret the other things I haven't done along the way. I don't look at it and think I've made sacrifices, and I wasn't remotely tempted by either of the offers of marriage I've had.
"The men involved were lovely and I was quite happy dating them, but I was absolutely content not to be married. Maybe I'm too choosy, or perhaps it's a case of the right man not coming along, but had I really wanted a husband, either of the two who proposed would have been great, I'm sure."
They may not all have the same reasons as Jane for remaining single, but there are now more women under 50 who have never been married than there are women who've tied the knot. The proportion of women who were married in the 1970s was 74 per cent, and according to statistics from 2007, that figure is now 49 per cent.
The group of women aged 18-49 who have never been married has grown from 18 per cent three decades ago to a steady 38 per cent over the last five years for which data is available, according to the General Household Study carried out by the Office of National Statistics. Unsurprisingly, over the same period the proportion of women co-habiting has trebled from 11 per cent in 1979 to 33 per cent in 2007.
A statistical overview like this makes tantalising reading. But what's the real story going on beneath the painstakingly gathered numbers?
How many of these women actively reject the idea of either marriage or cohabitation and whatever it represents to them, and how many find themselves single but would rather be married? How many have been there, seen that and quite happily refuse to wear the T-shirt again?
Suzy, a 44-year-old teacher, falls into the latter category. She was married for 10 years and had two daughters. Soon after her divorce, she met someone else and lived with him for seven years. She then spent a three-year period "blissfully single" and subsequently co-habited with another man for two years.
"I know I probably sound like a character from a soap, but I can't be bothered any more. Men are great as friends but far too much trouble to live with.
"None of my relationships ended acrimoniously. The marriage just sort of ran out of steam, although we liked each other. My second long-term partner was kind and generous but after a few years I didn't love him enough to put up with how little he did around the house.
"I loved being single in between relationships. Looking back, the only real reason I agreed to live with another partner was that friends and family couldn't accept that I was happy being alone. They constantly tried to matchmake, with disastrous results. When my last ex moved in it was very cosy for a time, but secretly I always dreamt of being single, doing what I wanted when I wanted to without consulting anyone else. I don't think I'm cut out for marriage or any type of long-term adult relationship, and I don't thing being married to either of my later two partners would have improved things. Nor do I need a partner to survive financially like some of my friends."
Even more interesting than the statistics are these glimpses of attitudes towards marriage and co-habitation, and part of the emerging picture must be that in post-millennium Britain, yes, marriage is still alive and kicking, romance is not dead, and tradition is still strong.
"The picture given by the statistics is complicated by the fact that women are marrying later in general, and that in itself increases the number of single women," says Professor Stevi Jackson, director of the Centre for Women's Studies at York University. "Within the numbers are all sorts of factors –for instance co-habitation, especially with children, is more common among lower income women, and higher income women are more likely to get married, but put off both marriage and children until quite late." More than 22,000 babies a year are now born to women in their 40s, a figure that has doubled in 10 years.
"Also figuring in the equation is the fact that women have far more choices now. Women with a good education and career have benefited most from equal opportunities and employment legislation, and they are not constrained by having to get married for economic reasons." Neither do they need to be in a settled relationship or marriage to have a child these days.
The argument that women who choose to be alone risk a lonely old age is a spurious one, says Prof Jackson. "Women tend to marry a man who's slightly older, and men die younger than women, so many women are going to spend a period of old age alone anyway.
"For women, there has been an increasing awareness of what's possible for them. Many young women are still idealistic and traditional and want marriage, but choosing to live happily on your own is becoming more common, and the old image of the single women as being dried out, unfulfilled and celibate is gone. "
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