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To the manners reborn... why courtesy still counts for us all
OLD-fashioned manners seemed to involve being incredibly mean to children.
They were considered to be so far down the food chain of polite society that they spent mealtimes passing the salt and pepper to grown-ups, were not allowed to speak unless spoken to and were shouted at if their fork was left the wrong way up.
Today what we wear, how we speak and let our children behave are largely free of the tyranny of outmoded rules of "social conduct".
Now, invitations are flung out with enough rope to hang yourself: "Dress code: relaxed/8 'til late/Bring the whole family/Bring something for the table/Smart Casual...." The possible interpretations are deep and wide.
We think we're relaxed, but these phrases represent potential minefields. Does "bring the whole family" extend to the cousin who is currently in residence and likely to drink the bar dry?
How good a bottle do you contribute in response to "bring a bottle"? (My answer to this is a bottle that I'd be happy to drink but don't stand in a corner and drink alone). What does "smart casual" mean if your casual wardrobe is underpinned by jeans, jeans and jeans?
Is it okay to send condolences by email? Do you compliment the chef on the (awful) food?
How many air kisses? How long do you give someone to accept/decline an invitation before you invite someone else instead?
The millennium has spawned a need for a new set of manners, says author Thomas Blaikie, who has written a guide to how to get it right in the (superficially) laidback Noughties.
He reckons that, although we lead less formal lives than previous generations, manners are still important, but have changed.
"Our free-and-easy ways have left us in a vacuum of uncertainty and embarrassment," says Blaikie. "And this only gets worse, because we are reluctant to give each other any guidance. If someone is late or doesn't reply to the invitation, we say it doesn't matter; if a friend won't stop talking on their mobile phone when we are out with them we make excuses, saying they probably don't realise what they're doing, they don't mean any harm.
"We don't think it's our place to judge or tell other people what to do, but who knows? Maybe other people are as worried about their manners as we are about ours?"
The writer seems to think society is in a state of social paralysis because nobody knows the rules any more. We need manners so that everyone is certain of what's expected.
Actually, far from being a manual merely for the social nit-picker, his book is rather handy – if only as a source of social ballast in doing what you know is right. We love the spontaneity of dropping in on friends, for instance, but happening to be in their neighbourhood when it's just about lunchtime is not necessarily good.
Blaikie recommends using the phone, and being prepared (but not upset) if your friend says she'd love to see you next Tuesday instead. If you are on the receiving end of a "dropper-in", don't feel obliged to say yes if you really are in the middle of something.
If you're arranging a party, invitations by email or text message can mean the details are not properly digested and may not make it to their diary. Be clear whether nibbles or more substantial food is involved.
Modern manners mean there don't have to be three courses at dinner, but avoid trying new recipes on guests. If someone mispronounces a word in a social situation, you should either say it in the same way as them or avoid using it.
It's okay to move on from one person to another at a party, by saying "It's been great meeting you." Feel no guilt – it's normal to want to circulate.
Some perverse points of manners will apparently never change, and one of those covers dogs: never assume other people will love your pooch as you do; if you want take your pet visiting, always ask beforehand. (Note to hosts: the answer must always be yes.)
Blaikie's Guide to Modern Manners by Thomas Blaikie is published by Fourth Estate, 10. To order a copy from the Yorkshire Post Bookshop call 0800 0153232 or go to www.yorkshirepostbookshop.co.uk. Postage and packing costs 2.75.
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Saturday 11 February 2012
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