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Becky Sibert: Generations of suffering for grandparents hit by divorce
THERE are an estimated 14 million grandparents in the UK and one third of the adult population is expected to be a grandparent by 2020.
Research consistently suggests that grandparents are uniquely important to children and play a vital role in today's changing society. They often provide childcare – in 2004 Age Concern put a value of 3.9bn on the childcare contribution of grandparents – and stand in as a parent when needed. They provide love, support and advice to children throughout their lives. They can help them with a range of things from healthy eating to homework and they can be someone to talk to if grandchildren end up being bullied.
Of the 12 million children in the UK, it is estimated that a quarter will experience the separation of their parents. At this very distressing time, children need a grandparent to provide important help. They can be a confidante, an ally and provide essential support. Tragically, when couples separate, these relationships sometimes suffer as a result of hostility from parents to one set of grandparents.
When Families Need Fathers and The Grandparents' Association did some research recently, 211 people responded, showing that prior to parents separating 55 per cent of grandparents were directly involved in their grandchildren's care.
Following the separation, these grandparent carers and their grandchildren found that their relationship was radically changed:
80 per cent of children experienced a change in childcare arrangements.
67 per cent of grandparents found themselves excluded from providing care.
42 per cent lost all face-to-face contact with their grandchildren.
Grandparents frequently described being separated from their grandchildren as the worst experience of their lives. Words that were common in the research were traumatic, heartbreaking, humiliating, expensive, clueless and powerless.
Penny was one of the grandparents who responded to the survey –she was hugely involved in the child's first six years, taking part in almost every aspect of the child's life, especially since her son was very often away from home and his partner had no contact with any relatives or friends who could have provided support.
They took the child to ballet lessons, hospital appointments, the park and school. Then on the child's seventh birthday, the relationship broke down, amicably it seemed, until one day the mother and child disappeared. Gone with toys, personal and family possessions. Just gone.
It took years until they saw their granddaughter again and even when they did it meant sharing the father's limited time with his daughter. Penny and her husband have been hugely affected by this and they are distraught about the effect that it has on their granddaughter.
Each week, Families Need Fathers and The Grandparents' Association are contacted by many grandparents caught up in family breakdown who are desperate for help. The heartbreaking reality is that they have no automatic right to be included in the lives of their grandsons and granddaughters.
Over the last 10 years there has been greatly increased attention to the importance of the family. The Government has asked us to "think family" and "think fathers" and now we need to "think wider family". It is important that we take the action which is urgently required now. It is hoped that Beyond the Nuclear – Including the Wider Family will initiate changes in Parliament and in courtrooms. The report calls for:
The extra stage of court process for grandparents and wider families seeking to apply for contact with a child to be abolished.
Grandparents and wider families to be routinely considered by judges and Children and Family Court Advisory Support Service (Cafcass) officers when making decisions about children, and to be included in future family policy and legislation.
Let's hope that this report is the start of the reform which is desperately needed.
Becky Sibert is policy and information officer for the organisation Families Need Fathers
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Saturday 26 May 2012
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