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Men who've loved and lost needn't suffer alone
Bereavement is difficult however old you are, but if your partner dies young, the loss can be particularly cruel.
You lose not only the person that you love but also the future that you planned. There is a huge range of practical challenges as well – from raising children alone to simply paying the household bills. The sense of isolation is acute, since you are unlikely to know many others in your situation.
For Jim Drabble, 43, the death of Jacky last year not only meant the loss of a wife and mother but also of a business partner, as the couple ran their own advertising business.
In the 12 months since she died from a series of brain tumours, Jim has taken months off work to concentrate on helping rebuild life for his three children, Hayley, 15, Kiera, 14 and eight-year-old Harry.
That has meant playing the role of both parents, something Jim has had to adapt to.
"I suppose when Jacky was alive we were a pretty traditional couple. She took on the softer, mothering role and I was the more disciplined, fatherly role; we got the balance right I think," explains Jim.
"All of a sudden you are having to do both roles and I sometimes have to stop myself and remember that they have lost that mothering person. I have had to become a different person since Jacky died. I often have to think how she would have handled this situation."
Jacky was diagnosed with seven brain tumours at the age of 45. She'd had no symptoms but then in January she feared she'd suffered a stroke.
"We went into A&E with all the other people with broken arms and legs thinking she'd suffered some sort of stroke," recalls Jim.
"Then the doctors told me that she might not last the night. I just thought my world had finished but I had to go and tell the family; her sister and mother and the children.
"We have always been the type of family to talk about things and not hide anything from the children. So I sat them down and told them what had happened and that she was going to die and fairly quickly. It was very hard for them to grasp what was happening."
Jacky did survive the night and survived until May. In that time she was able to come home and she and Jim were able to talk about the future and what she wanted for him and the children.
"It was very difficult," says Jim. "We knew what was going to happen so I suppose in some ways you are just waiting. Your bereavement starts from the moment you get the diagnosis, so when the time came I actually wanted her to die – for her sake and for the kids. She didn't want the kids to see her suffering."
After Jacky died Jim was given the number of a charity, the WAY Foundation, which gives support to people widowed under 50.
"It was difficult to make that first call, but I wanted to find out what was there both for myself and for the kids; whether we need to have some counselling or something. But it was just helpful to talk with someone who knew what I was going through."
WAY holds regular get- togethers for widowed men and women as well as organising events for children who have lost a parent.
"What I did find from going to the meetings was that there were a lot more women than men. And talking to the people at WAY, they said that very few men seemed to contact them. I don't know why that is," says Jim.
WAY has 1,500 members – but just 15 per cent of them are men.
Paul Hutt, who is on WAY's national committee, said there were a number of reasons why so many more women came forward for help than men.
"It is a fact that more men die young than women and therefore there will be more young female widows, but that doesn't account for the vast difference between the number of men and women who seek help for dealing with their grief," says Paul.
"It may be that men aren't very good at talking about their emotions, but they need as much support as women."
Paul's wife died seven years ago from cancer when his son was eight.
"There was a very helpful worker at the hospice who told me that there was a guy who lived near me who had been widowed with four children under 10.
"It was great to talk with someone who knew exactly what you were going through. Friends can try to understand but unless you have been through it you just can't"
WAY, which has four branches in Yorkshire, is carrying out research to try to understand why so many men don't seek help.
"We are trying to ensure that where possibly we have both male and female contacts at all of our branches so that neither sex feels alienated from the outset," said Paul.
As for Jim, he is hoping his experience will encourage other bereaved men to come forward.
He is trying to get his life back together. He has returned to work, but struggles to motivate himself and is considering a career change. "I've got a few plans, I may even try my hand at counselling," he says.
"If someone was to ring me out of the blue I feel I would be able to offer something back to them."
The children continue to
be his main priority and he ensures that he is there to drop them off and pick them up from school.
He admits getting the teenagers to talk has been a challenge. "They seem happier to talk to their friends."
But his eldest daughter recently asked him to help her choose a dress for her school prom.
"It was all the stuff she should have been doing with her mum.
"I thought she might want her auntie to go with her, but she wanted me and I am there to do it for her. We are all there for each other."
The way foundation
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Saturday 26 May 2012
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