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Mr Right isn't part of the plan for the new breed of single mums
Wendy Williamson always wanted children. Her sitting room is full of baby photos of her nieces and nephews.
And as she sits cradling two-month-old Theo it is clear she is a natural mum.
But she has never met Theo's dad. She chose him from a European sperm donor bank.
All she knows is that he is a 21-year-old music student from Denmark. He is 6ft tall with dark hair and eyes similar to her own. He speaks good English and has done National Service.
Theo will grow up never knowing his biological father. When he turns 18, due to a change in the law in 2005, he can find out his identity, and Wendy is more than happy if he wants to visit him.
"I always wanted children and when I came out of a long-term relationship last year I didn't want to spend the next 10 years waiting to meet the right person to start a family with," explains the 34-year-old solicitor from Morley.
"I could easily have gone out, slept around and got pregnant, but I didn't want that. Using a sperm donor was safer and I had more control."
Wendy is one of a growing number of single career women in their 30s and 40s who are turning to fertility treatment to have babies.
According to figures from the fertility regulator the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Association, nearly one-fifth of all
women using sperm donors are single.
More often than not, these women are educated, middle-class, financially independent females who have succeeded in every area of their lives but have failed to find a husband to father their children.
On October 1, the law changed to reflect this growing trend by removing the requirement for single women to demonstrate that their sperm donor baby will have a father figure.
Adel Shaker, chief executive of CARE fertility clinic in Sheffield where Wendy had her treatment, said that he received two enquiries a week from single women wanting a baby.
"Most people still try to have a family the traditional way, by finding someone they love and then deciding to have a baby, but we are seeing an increasing number of women like Wendy and I think that trend will only continue.
"Women are definitely realising that they cannot leave it too late to start a family. So they are coming to us for help, either through IVF, sperm donation or egg freezing which allows them to harvest their eggs and keep them until they find the right person to start a family with."
In Wendy's case there was nothing wrong with her fertility – it was the lack of a suitable partner which hampered her desire for a child.
But deciding to opt for an anonymous sperm donor as her child's father was not a decision she took lightly.
"I had a life plan that by the age of 30 I would have a good job, a nice house, a car, I'd be married and about to have children – I got three out of the five, but not the most important things.
"But I didn't want my grave stone to say 'she worked really hard'. With a busy, demanding job it is very difficult to meet people."
She tried internet dating but it was a complete failure.
"I didn't want to go into a relationship just so that I could have a baby, which would probably end in divorce anyway because I'd gone into it for the wrong reasons. I would have possibly ended up a single mum but with all the complications of a separated husband. At least this way that won't happen. I did think long and hard about it. "
Having made the decision she started to look for a clinic that would help her.
"The fertility clinics in Leeds told me that they didn't treat single women, which I thought was rather narrow-minded."
So she turned to Care in Sheffield. She had planned to have the donor sperm implanted directly into her uterus (IUI). But doctors at Care suggested IVF (in-vitro fertilisation) which meant she could also become an egg sharer.
"There is a severe shortage of donor eggs which means that women often have to wait at least a year before they can even start the IVF process," said Mr Shaker.
By sharing her eggs, Wendy could help other women fulfil their dreams of becoming a mother and also get her own treatment paid for.
"I have three friends who would only be able to have children using donor eggs and so for me it was an easy decision. I knew how much I wanted a baby, if giving some of my eggs away meant I could help someone else have a baby then it was worth it. I have been told that two ladies have now had babies – one twins – thanks to my eggs, which makes me feel great."
Due to the change in the law Wendy knows that these children could come knocking on her door when they are 18, but it is something she is more than happy about.
It also meant that she only had to pay for the drugs (600) and for the sperm (600). Payment for the sperm came from an unusual source.
"I had to tell my mum and dad about my decision to have a baby on my own and that I was going to be an egg sharer and that when the child was 18 there might be a knock on the door. My mum just said 'you'd better invite them in for a cup of tea if that happens'.
"Mum and dad have been brilliant, they said they would pay for the sperm. I couldn't believe that I was having that conversation with my parents."
Like all prospective egg sharers and sperm recipients, Wendy had to undergo in-depth counselling to ensure she understood the implications.
"We have to be happy that it is all in the best interests of the child. Everything is taken on an individual basis," says Mr Shaker, who offers fertility treatment to women up to the age of 50.
An initial pregnancy using a UK sperm donor ended in a miscarriage for Wendy which she found very difficult. But a second round using the sperm from Denmark was successful.
"Following the change in the law in 2005 we saw a massive drop in the number of sperm donors," says Mr Shaker. "We just didn't have enough because men were concerned about the implications. So we had to turn to America and Europe. We ensure that they undergo the same checks as we do here in the UK. Things have improved and there is now no waiting list for UK sperm."
For Wendy using sperm from Denmark meant she knew more about Theo's biological father than if
he'd come from the UK.
"In this country we concentrate on the medical history of the sperm donor rather than physical attributes. The HFEA decided this was the best policy and also reduces the possibility of accusations that we are creating designer babies," says Mr Shaker.
"I like the fact that there's more information," says Wendy. "It is almost like knowing Theo's other parent."
She plans to be very honest with Theo about his parentage.
"If he asks me about his dad I will say he is a very nice man who helped mummy have a baby. I will give him as much information as I think he can cope with depending on his age."
As well as the physical hurdles Wendy is also aware of the emotional ones.
"I do think about the lack of a father figure.
"But I come from a very close family, he has his grandad and my sisters' husbands and also his cousin who is 13. He isn't short of male role models. Sometimes it would be nice when he wakes in the middle of the night to have someone to share it with, but on the positive side I am in control. I am the one making the decisions without having to worry about anyone else other than Theo."
As for the future, Wendy would like more children. She could have a sibling for Theo as she has stored some of his genetic father's sperm.
But she also hasn't ruled out the possibility of meeting Mr Right and having a child by more traditional methods.
So does this type of treatment for single women mean the end of the line for the traditional "dad"? Mr Shaker says there needs to be debate about where society is going in the future.
"Advances in fertility treatment could conceivably make men redundant in the fertility process.
"I have been doing IVF for almost 20 years; I am passionate about it being available to anyone who needs it.
"But it is also about making sure that things don't get out of hand.
"It is about balance. Things develop so quickly in this field that the HFEA does have to evolve and reflect what society wants.
"It is a debate that needs to happen."
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Saturday 26 May 2012
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