I was under the dining room table last weekend, trying to find the top off a tube of glue, when it struck me – there are some things that men (most men, the vast majority of men) would never, ever say.
Then I thought, would he ever have said that? Not a chance, which led me to ponder, in an “oppressed by my own conscientious nature” kind of way, what else have I never heard him, or any other man, say? So – ta-dah! – I have come up with the following edited list:
“Don’t go in the bathroom for at least 15 minutes. I’ve just cleaned and bleached the loo and then mopped the floor.” I’ve never heard that from a man.
Or, “Here, you have the remote. You never lose it.”
Or, “I know, I’m a really rubbish driver.”
Or, “You drove last time we went out. It’s my turn to be designated driver tonight.”
Or, “Fancy a night in with prosecco, popcorn and your old Sex and the City DVDs?”
Or, “You know what I really feel like doing today? Going to Ikea. I know there’s nothing we particularly need, but I love wandering through all the pretend apartments and kitchens. And then, that section at the end, with the mirrors and candles and picture frames and vases –that’s my favourite bit.”
I suppose, in the interests of fairness, there are admittedly some things that I, and probably many other women, never or very rarely say too.
“What time is kick-off?” is right up there for starters, closely followed by, “You know, I think we should upgrade so we’ve got all the best sports channels. It’s not really that expensive when you cost it all out.”
Then there’s: “What do you fancy watching most tonight – Goodfellas, or The Godfather trilogy? Or maybe all four!”
If I’m being really fair, it’s a rare day that I say: “You drove last time we went out. It’s my turn to be designated driver tonight.”
Nor do I ever say: “I must find that key so I can bleed the radiators.”
Or, “It’s bin day tomorrow. I’ll just go and wheel them outside.”
And never, ever, have I said, “I think your car tax is about to run out. I’d better sort it.”
Hmm, I started this column thinking that I would be able, not for the first time, to mock men (gently, of course) for their unthinking (one might say lazy) housework failings and cliched male-specific obsessions. Instead, what do I find? That actually, despite our broadly different interests and self-appointed areas of home responsibility, men and women are pretty much exactly the same. Except women are a bit better, obviously.
n Twitter: @yorkshirefashQ