DAVID ICKE didn't wear his turquoise tracksuit or declare himself the Son of God, but there was still plenty to boggle the mind.

Icke, visionary, conspiracy theorist and former Hereford United goalkeeper, launched a very odd campaign in Haltemprice and Howden yesterday by insisting that he didn't want to be elected and would like to see David Davis win, which must make him unique among the opposing candidates.

The Willerby Manor Hotel can't have witnessed anything like it. Here was Icke, who these days with his mane of white hair and craggy features, has the lofty air of a prophet cast out for heresy who nevertheless still believes he's right. His delivery matches the appearance. He raged. He cajoled. He threw his arms to the sky. He prophesied.

He did let himself down a bit by addressing men in the audience as "mate", which history's great seers wouldn't have done, but no matter. This was the moment that the by-election took wing, thanks to the intervention of the undeniably charismatic, and really quite likeable, figure who worked himself into such a lather over the course of a 45-minute opening statement that the sweat soaked through his electric-blue shirt as he jabbed his forefinger at images of world leaders and diagrams of diabolical influence projected on a screen.

His supporters have stumped up £7,000 to fund his campaign, and whoever else the voters meet during the next week of canvassing, Icke will be the one they remember and tell their friends about. He drew a crowd of admirers who uttered appreciative "hmmmms" as he laid out his vision.

Just for the record, it's worth setting out Icke's philosophy, as revealed in 16 books written over more than a decade. World events are controlled by a shady elite who manipulate governments and stage cataclysmic events such as September 11 for their own fiendish end, which is world domination.

With him so far? Good. The next part is where it gets a bit, shall we say, tricky. At the top of the elite is a cadre he calls the Illuminati. These include such disparate figures as the Queen, George W Bush, country and western singer Boxcar Willie and the late Bob Hope. And the big secret is that these people are humanoid reptiles under the control of 12ft tall alien lizards which live in caves. Oh, and when nobody's looking, the likes of Boxcar Willie can shed their human mask and turn back into giant lizards.

He didn't actually mention the lizards yesterday, but oblique references to the wilder shores of his theories were scattered throughout. "People have said I'm a nutter," he declared. Surely not.

The slogans that go with the theory came thick and fast though, and drew nods of solemn appreciation from the acolytes. The Secret Agenda. The Pyramid of Manipulation. The Totalitarian Tiptoe. Problem-Reaction-Solution.

There was also the hint that some slightly surreal conversations must go on in the Icke household. "People are going to have to answer the question from their children and grandchildren, 'What were you doing mummy, daddy, grandma, when the fascist state that now controls every aspect of my life came in?' I will be able to look people in the eye when that happens and not blink," he said.

"We are going to live in a global fascist state in 10 to 15 years unless we stop building our own prison."

But what of the election? Exactly why had he come to the Willerby Manor? He doesn't want the seat, that's for sure. "I decided to stand not to try to win an election, because the last thing on Earth I would like to be is an MP, not least because 75 to 80 per cent of laws originate with the Euro bureaucracy. There is less and less relevance in becoming an MP.

"I'm taking David Davis at his word. The only relevant thing for me is that this Big Brother has been raised. I don't care if I get zero votes, I will be proud if I get 500 or 1,000. When you have had the ***** that has been thrown at me for the last 20 years, you just don't care."

The goal of the shady elite – and the lizards – is according
to Icke "a centrally-controlled global fascist dictatorship. The global Orwellian state is unfolding by the hour, never mind the day."

And just to prove it, he's been told by a CIA scientist that it is now possible to inject tiny microchips into people during routine vaccinations. Icke believes that there is a plan afoot to microchip the entire population – much in the way that dogs are, to stop them becoming lost – and connect everybody to a central computer.

"It is about manipulating you emotionally, physically and mentally," he asserted, with another bout of jabbing at the screen.

And then it was over, and everybody left in the certain knowledge that nothing quite as exciting, interesting, or downright entertaining is going to happen for the remainder of the campaign.