I am worried about my little girl. She started school last year and seemed okay. But then her personality changed. She's really angry, especially with her little sisters. Teachers say there is nothing wrong but over the holidays she was back to her old self.
Even little children get the blues. If your young child doesn't seem happy or is acting differently – try to find out what is upsetting her.
If nothing seems to work, check at your child health clinic or contact your GP.
School-aged children ca
n be really demanding and irritable. Even if they are driving you mad, be patient and say you think they are worried or unhappy. Under all this stroppiness, there may lie lots of hidden anxieties and unhappiness.
Help your children to get the best out of their school. If they seem low and don't want to go to school, try to find out why and contact the school with your worries.
Don't demand or expect constant love and affection from your children especially if you are feeling low and your children know it. You could be putting too much of a burden on them and building up layers of guilt and resentment.
Conflict between couples, divorce and separation can cause a lot of anxiety among children of any age. Talk them through what is happening and listen to how they feel. That way you'll keep their trust and help them deal with change.
If your family is going through change allow yourself and others in the family to have mixed feelings. Different members of your family may feel differently about the same event. Try to let everyone express how they feel, and remember that feelings can change over time.
Some children like to have other trusted adults they can talk to, a grandparent, aunt or uncle, a teacher, youth worker or family friend. Don't feel threatened if they reach out to someone else.
Remembering the fears and anxieties you felt as a child can help you see what your child might be going through and what reassurance they may need. Is there something small you can do to make time for yourself? Make a deal with the children – a trip to the park in exchange for five minutes of peace and quiet. A cup of tea on your own, a hot bath, a chat with your friend.
You may be feeling isolated, guilty and helpless when trying to comfort your child. You need someone to talk to, too – share your feelings with friends, families, partners and other parents – or contact Parentline on 0808 800 2222.
Trust your own judgment. If you think your child is in need of professional help and you are at all uncomfortable with what is being offered, go on looking. When trying to get professional help seems an impossible uphill struggle, talking to friends and family could help you see other ways to ask for help and how you can get heard.
Paul CharlsonGP from Brough
It does seem to be a school-related problem. I find it difficult to believe that she is okay at school. This makes me wonder if her problems have gone unnoticed. First speak to your daughter and see if you can find out more. If nothing is obvious then be a fussy parent and go and see her teacher again. If that draws a blank then I suggest some professional assessment from a child psychologist who can be accessed through your GP. It might seem a little heavy-handed but something is clearly wrong and you should not ignore it. One always thinks of the worse scenarios such as bullying and sexual abuse at school but, of course, it may simply be separation anxiety which has somehow gone unrecognised by you and the school.
Elaine DouglasA chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships
When I read your letter two things occurred to me. The first is that something may be happening at school that her teachers are unaware of, or it may be that your daughter may be experiencing separation anxiety. In the first scenario, it may be that she is coping well in class, but may be finding it difficult, for example, to make friendship groups. If all is well there, it may be to do with something called separation anxiety. You say that she has little sisters. I am assuming that they are either babies or toddlers and probably at home with you. Your daughter may be reluctant to leave home to go to school because she feels a bit left out. This could explain why she is taking things out on them. You may need to make it more obvious that she is able to spend time with you exclusively. Take her to the park and arrange for a friend to look after her sisters. Tell her that she is special for going to school and doing well – this will build her confidence and self-esteem.
Cary CooperProfessor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University
I am not an educational psychologist but perhaps you ought to have a word with one about it. All local education authorities have child psychologists and I am sure that one would be able to help you think through how you might go about helping her. It might be more damaging taking her out of school now or even moving her until you find out what is troubling her. I presume you have already tried to talk to her about her likes and dislikes about school, but if you haven't, either you or your partner should do, but in a safe and non-threatening way, and in a less intimidating and natural family context. Many parents go through this but it is important to try to bottom the problem before it gets too bad and she turns off school, or associates school as a negative institution. If you can't get her to open up, try the child psychologist, they have seen many such cases and should be able to help.
Dr Carol BurnistonConsultant Clinical Child Psychologist
The clue to this problem is that your daughter was fine in the holidays. Away from whatever may be causing her concern at school, she was able to relax. I did wonder if she has a couple of little sisters, whether one of them was born around the time she started school which made it more difficult to leave you all at home. Just because she may appear to be doing well academically doesn't mean that everything in school is fine. Many children's problems exist outside the classroom in the social aspects of life in the playground. Does your little girl have good friendships and other pupils to play with at break and dinnertime? If she cannot tell you who she plays with in school, you may be able to help along a friendship with someone she would like to get to know by inviting them to play at home. Explain to your child's teacher that her behaviour changed in the holidays and is now deteriorating again. Ask if someone could check on her. Your child's teacher will want to help you both, so work with them.
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