Christmas is a time to rejoice and spend time with our families and friends but for some of us we will be missing someone very special in our midst. I know convention is when we lose a loved one, we are supposed to get on with life, and we do, but special times like Christmas can be bittersweet.

December for me has not been my favourite month for some time as my father died four days after Christmas. Nine years on I have learnt a few things that I would like to share for those readers who, like me, might feel a tinge of sadness when they set the dining table for Christmas day and see that empty chair.

Grief is as unique as our DNA and it is as unique as the connection we were blessed to have with our loved one.

There is no sell by date for the emptiness we feel. The hole left in my heart by my father’s death is still there. If we love someone deeply, we never get over their death.

Daxa Patel sat on her father's memorial bench in Golden Acre park in Leeds.

Grief is work in progress but in time grief turns into gratitude. We learn to mask it, plus we grow when we go through the valley of grief and become almost invincible because there is a sense that nothing will ever hurt so much.

In my early days I came across this quote “I’ve been through the fire, I will not fade in the sun”. Sadly, I don’t know the author of this brilliant quote, but it helped me.

Some say time is a healer. I don't agree but we are incredibly resilient and far stronger than we give ourselves credit for, so we adapt and learn to keep going. Even after all this time there are times when I just want to talk to my dad or put my head on his shoulder. I wish I could but I am grateful for the years we had.

It is also okay to not be okay sometimes, in fact I believe we have a right to be melancholy if it helps us to get through wherever we are.

If this is your first Christmas without your loved one and you feel raw it may help if you plan ahead. Surround yourself only with people who support you. If it helps make your loved one’s favourite dish for Christmas and drink their favourite wine. Reminiscence of happy times with those around you.

Human emotions need to be expressed so laughter and tears can be good for the soul. If you feel you can’t be with others, then listen to some music or watch a nice musical. Eat something hearty and go for a walk. Self-kindness is underrated yet hugely important especially when we feel fragile. Before my father died, I had grab handles placed around our home. It took me three years before I felt I could remove them. The only person who can give you permission to do what you must is you.

I remember my first Christmas without my dad. It was difficult. Being there for others is a good way to help ourselves. As my dad’s anniversary coincides with Christmas over the years, I have either planted a tree in our garden or taken hampers to some seniors in my neighbourhood.

I started my journey thinking I have lost my father but in time I have come to realise my father is only a thought away. I feel his warm presence and talk to him through my journals and writing.

We live in a society where we still shy away from talking about death, loss and grief. If you find yourself talking to someone who is recently bereaved, be sensitive.

Grief is personal and often it is a solitary journey but death is universal so we can learn from others around us and do what feels right for us. Happy Christmas to you and yours.

Daxa Manhar Patel is a solicitor, author and executive coach.

It’s normal to grieve the passing of a loved one in your own way at Christmas - Daxa Patel