Christmas spirit and family tension

Christmas is a very important time of year for children. Aside from the presents and plentiful food, it may be the one time of year when extended family comes together, including grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

While it is a very happy time for many families, it can be equally unhappy for couples who have separated and who have children together. Separations can be tinged with acrimony and bad feeling. However, Christmas should be a time of year when those feelings are put to one side and serious consideration given to improving relations for the sake of the children.

Without careful thought and preparation, unnecessary tension can be caused between separated parents which can impact on the children. It is important for separated parents to recognise that children will benefit from spending time with each parent and their extended family members on both sides of the family. To achieve that, appropriate and sensible arrangements need to be made in plenty of time for that to take place, with the minimum of fuss.

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Unfortunately, there are some courts around the country which set aside a day for Christmas contact disputes. These days are very stressful, usually quite costly and desperately unsatisfactory. There are a number of ways to avoid becoming part of one of these unpleasant hearings.

1. Try to make arrangements well in advance of Christmas It may be impossible for the children to spend time with both of you on Christmas Day. The Christmas holidays are an extended period and even if both parents are not able for whatever reason to see the children on Christmas Day itself, many separated parents will make alternative arrangements. It may be that you have agreed that Christmas Day will be spent on alternate years with each parent. Some parents make "special arrangements" with Father Christmas to deliver presents on two nights, allowing "two Christmas Days". In many European countries, there are very many different traditions relating to when presents are given and opened.

2. In relation to presents, careful planning is required to avoid "doubling up". It is important to try not to get caught up in a competition about gifts with each parent trying to "outdo" the other. Children can be very tuned in to rifts between their parents and they may try to exploit that to get the gift that they want. This can be noticeable when the earning power of each parent is different and sensible consideration needs to be given to this by both mum and dad.

3. If it is impossible for one parent to see the children on Christmas Day, try to make sure that there is an appropriate time for them to speak to the other parent on that day.

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4. When having discussions about arrangements for Christmas, try to do so in an environment where the children will not be present so in the event that there may be a disagreement, they will not be party to it.

5. A key issue in relation to making arrangements for children, particularly at Christmas, comes down to communication. If for whatever reason, communication is not great, why not share diaries or sensible e-mails? If you are fortunate to have a good relationship with your ex-spouse or partner, it may be beneficial to invite them out for a cup of coffee and a general discussion to try to reach agreement about arrangements for the children.

6. You should not see yourselves as two "conflicting parties" but rather as parents of children that undoubtedly you will both love dearly.

Mark Day is head of the family unit at Langleys Solicitors.