Expert Answers: Children have everything but happiness

A landmark report on A Good Childhood, commissioned by The Church of England-run Children's Society, claims that children's lives have become more difficult than in the past, and that it is the result of excessive individualism.

The report's authors say this produces more family discord and conflict; more pressure to own things; excessive competition in schools; and unacceptable income inequality.

It argues that excessive individualism needs to be replaced by a value system where people seek satisfaction more from helping others rather than pursuing private advantage.

The report is based on detailed evidence and findings, and leads to challenging recommendations.

The findings included:

The proportion of children experiencing significant emotional or behavioural difficulties rose from 8 per cent per cent in 1974, to 16 per cent in 1999, and has remained at that level.

Some 70 per cent of children agree "parents getting on well is one of the most important factors in raising happy children". By contrast, only 30 per cent of parents agree with the statement – a significant difference of perspective.

That the increased exposure to TV and the internet increases materialistic desires and reduces mental health.

That Britain and the US are more unequal than other advanced countries and have lower average well-being among their children.

The report makes recommendations to parents, teachers, government, media and society at large.

They include:

People who bring a child into the world should have a long-term commitment to each other and should aim to live harmoniously.

For children whose birth is not celebrated through a religious ceremony like christening, there should be a civil birth ceremony where parents celebrate the birth of their child and vow to care for the child.

Support for parents should include free parenting classes available around childbirth, and psychological support if their own relationship falters, or if their child has emotional or behavioural difficulties.

Schools should be "values-based communities" promoting mutual respect between teachers, parents and children. They must develop character as well as competence.

At least 1,000 more psychological therapists should be trained to support children and families.

School league tables and SATs should be abolished. Testing prior to GCSEs should continue within schools but purely as a guide to the progress of every individual child.

Personal, social and health education in secondary schools should be taught by specialists trained to teach these difficult subjects.

Advertising aimed at children under 12 should be banned, as should all advertisements for alcohol or unhealthy food on television before 9pm.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

Perhaps your children are just spoilt brats and need to wise up to the realities of life.

We live in a society where children are the centre of the world. Many parents are run ragged trying to provide a good life for their children, often to the detriment of their own lives and happiness. The children then leave home and the parents are bereft. It is really important to strike a balance between the needs of your children and your own.

I do think you need to address your concerns with your children and try to find out whether there are significant issues that need resolving.

It may be that because you both work they are not getting the attention from you that they want, and this might be more important than material possessions. Ask and you may find out but be prepared for an unexpected answer. There is more to life than the latest Nintendo Wi.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

I think our lives are governed by commercialism and materialism with an overlay of "we want it now" and "these things are our right".

So, as adults and children, we work hard at acquiring and doing these things because we feel that we should.

However, we perhaps lose sight of the enjoyment gained in doing the simpler things in life – for example, taking a picnic by a river, sledging in the snow, getting in touch with nature and wildlife or doing something creative.

But your children are from a different generation, and to suggest that you go for a walk and look for wild flowers will go down like a lead balloon.

Is it possible, though, to do things that will give them pleasure. If you don't already do things as a family, then try a day out at the seaside.

Be prepared for resistance, but keep going because you could hit on something that benefits the whole family.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

Children don't need the material things in life as much as parents think they do.

In my view, they need the nurturing, support and personal disposal time of their parents.

I think a great deal depends on how much "quality time" you and your husband spend with the children. I don't mean "tactical time", like "what are you wearing tomorrow?" and "who is taking and picking up the kids?" and where and what time you should meet. I mean real listening time, so that the children can talk about their concerns, worries, and daily highs and lows.

TV, video games, computers and the like have taken children away from their parents, and parents working long and stressful hours have taken parents away from their children.

Quality face-to-face time is more important in my view than more games or technological gadgets.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

Some people have a rosy picture of their childhood, but those with good memories also recognise that it's mostly a mixed bag.

We all laughed and cried, felt happy, angry or sad. Life was less busy, and our expectations were lower.

Children now don't know anything other than their own experience as "normal". Have you asked the children if there is anything worrying them? Sometimes something that seems relatively minor to you can be very important to your children.

Is working so hard getting in the way of having fun together?

I don't believe that happiness comes from having everything you want, but from feeling close to the people who matter to you. Try to set aside some family time, free from other influences, when you can relax and enjoy each others company.

Talking to each other will help you to understand each others point of view and should help you to lead a happier family life.