Expert Answers: Don't worry about daughter's self-esteem

Self-esteem is knowing that you matter and that other people do too. Our attitudes towards ourselves affects how we feel and what we do, as well as how we treat others.

How you talk to your children affects their self-esteem. Blaming, criticising, labelling and demanding are likely to give children negative messages about themselves that can last a lifetime.

When you call a child words like "lazy", "selfish" or "naughty", you label them. Labelling children is like putting them into a box – labels stick and they end up believing that they are lazy, selfish or naughty.

When you use labels, as well as giving your children negative messages about themselves, you are not giving them useful information about what they are doing that is a problem for you, or what you would like them to do differently. And so you are also not giving them an opportunity to do anything about it.

Praise and appreciation are important things that you can give your children to build their self-esteem. But how you praise affects children in different ways. Even "good" labels set limits.

Telling children that they are good or sweet or wonderful puts them in a box too. It does not tell them what they have done that

you liked or give them the satisfaction of hearing how it helped you.

Describing clearly what they have done shows you have noticed and allows them to take a step back and see their own achievements so that they can value them as well.

Groups and workshops give you the opportunity to share your experiences with other parents and to get some fresh ideas on how to help you and your children make the most of life.

Your children will pick up important messages about self-esteem from how you act and talk about yourself.

Build your self-esteem and your children's by:

Appreciating the things you do and the things your children do.

Understanding how you are feeling and how your children are feeling.

Showing your children that you love them and are interested in them.

Listening to your children – when you listen you show that their thoughts and feelings matter to you.

Encouraging children to have a go at new things and giving them opportunities to learn through doing, without pushing them too hard.

Showing that you have confidence in them, eg "Tying laces is hard but I know you'll get there in the end". If you believe in them they are more likely to believe in themselves.

Taking time – spending time with your children and taking time for yourself.

Accepting and respecting yourself and your children for the individuals you are.

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Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

Confidence is something that develops in children at different ages. I would not really be concerned about it. The important thing is to keep encouraging your daughter and being positive. It is hardly a major disaster not being in the school play or concert.

I would suggest talking to her teacher to see what he or she thinks about your daughter. It might be that a very small part in the school play would be a start. I am not sure shyness about standing up in front of people at age seven equals low self-esteem. Just give things time and do not fret about it.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

I don't think this is necessarily an issue of low self-esteem – there are many actors who suffer from stage fright. You seem puzzled by her struggling to step outside her comfort zone, but most of us do. Many adults find it difficult to put themselves into situations that provoke anxiety. It is the same for children. They are confident with the familiar, but hesitate to take a step into the unknown.

Your girl, from what you have said, shows confidence in certain aspects of her life. She knows she is loved and therefore has that security. If she does want to get involved in concerts or plays you need to help her to build her confidence. When she is with family perhaps she can practice her performance skills with people she is comfortable with. This will encourage her to progresses to doing things in front of people she doesn't know. If this is a step too far, then encourage her to practice in her room by herself, then with you around and then you and her father, and so on. Let her do it at her pace. If she gets upset then leave it and let her know that it is fine. She will find a way of getting round her nerves if she wants to.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

I don't think this is very unusual but somehow it is important that she does stretch herself and try new things outside of her comfort zone. She is only seven so I wouldn't get too hung up about it just yet but you might consider getting her involved in activities that can enhance her self-confidence outside of school.

This could be one-to-one activities to start with rather than group ones, where she doesn't feel "on display", and then build from there to smaller groups and that might lead naturally into school-based activities. I wouldn't make a big deal of this shyness at this stage because it will only make her even more self-conscious.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

I am not sure that feeling anxious in situations that challenge us is the same as having low self-esteem. If your daughter was telling you that she felt stupid or unattractive, then I would think that she lacked self-esteem. What you are describing is a little girl who wants to try new things but then feels nervous or anxious

when it comes to public performance. I think that is very normal.

Explain to your daughter that everyone feels scared sometimes, perhaps you can tell her about when you felt frightened, but managed to overcome your fears and do something that you were really proud of. Avoiding the things that make us anxious only makes them more scary. Stress is designed to make us more alert and enhance our performance; it is only extreme stress which has the opposite effect.

Perhaps you could set up small situations, such as at home with the family or with a few close friends, to help your daughter build up her confidence for larger audiences. Remember she is only seven years old; most of us lack confidence at that age.