Expert Answers: Enduring agony of life without a child

No-one can predict how they will feel in a few days' time, let alone how they will feel for the rest of their lives.

Sadly, there are many other couples who, like you, want to have children but, for all manner of reasons, can't.

Many of them have managed, eventually, to reconcile themselves to a life without children and many have been helped by the Infertility Network.

You will find it can give you all kinds of support coming to terms with your situation, and in time you may feel ready to join the organisation's sub-group, More To Life

More To Life tries to help people cope with feelings of being lost and alone on both an emotional and a practical level.

The group is a national network providing support to those who remain involuntarily childless.

Within the group, people are not defined by their childlessness and are shown that it is possible to have a fulfilling life – even though much-wanted children will never be a part of it.

In time, you may well reconcile your feelings. However, they may never go away, but just become a pain you can live with.

Five things you need to know about More To Life

1. More To Life is part of the Infertility Network UK and its services are run by the same team of staff as the parent charity.

2. Membership provides access to support from the advice line and also to a network of regional volunteers.

3. There is an online forum and chatroom that discusses a great many of the concerns people find themselves facing, sometimes unexpectedly.

4. There is no formal counselling service, but the support of other members helps those who are coming to terms with their loss in a variety of ways.

5. The quarterly newsletter offers advice on coping with tricky situations such as Christmas and family events.

The website, www.infertilitynetworkuk.com, offers plenty of information. However, membership provides benefits such as full access to all resources – including the online forum and chatroom. Or call the support line on 0800 008 7464.

Paul Charlson, GP from Brough

It is, of course, devastating but you have to move on and enjoy your life. There are many advantages to not having children.

You need to focus on the positive aspects of your life. For instance, when your friends are fretting over baby-sitters and what their children are doing, you can go out and enjoy yourselves. Financially you will also have a considerable advantage. Your life will be different but no less fulfilling.

If, after contemplation, you still want children in your life, you could always consider adoption. This will give a child a real chance in life that they may not have had.

My advice is give yourselves some time to consider adoption as an option. There are numerous websites that can put you in touch with relevant organisation, such as www.adoptionuk.org if you wish to consider this in more detail.

The key thing is to move your focus away from the negative and towards the positive.

Elaine Douglas, A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

I can understand how devastating this must be for you both, and how hard it is to come to terms with the prospect of not having children.

As you have said, you have considered adoption very seriously but it is not for you. Please don't feel bad about that, it is a big decision. It is something that you have to be really sure about, for all kinds of reasons.

You say you are experiencing a terrible sense of loss and will it always be like this. I think that the answer is no, it won't – but I would like to explain things a little more. You are going through a grieving period, which, on the face of it, might sound a little strange. Your loss is an intangible. You have not lost someone close to you, but you have lost a dream, an aspiration.

My feeling is that it will take time for you to adjust to the situation, and no-one can predict how long that will be. I feel that you need to understand that what you are going through is a normal reaction and you need to allow yourselves to grieve.

Cary Cooper, Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

I think it might help if you both could discuss this with a third party present, either with a clinical or counselling psychologist or through organisations like Relate or the Samaritans.

It is always useful to get a professional to hear you both explore the issues of "why you don't want to adopt" or "being childless", in front of someone who can help you work through these issues.

In this context, you may be able to come up with a solution to this problem that you have never considered, or at least be able to resolve your feelings of loss by talking it through in this way.

Dr Carol Burniston, Consultant Clinical ChildPsychologist

You have spent several years pursuing something that now appears to be out of your grasp and I am sure that many of us feel sympathy for your position. You have only recently begun to start the process of adjustment and this will take some time.

I wonder how much the road you have travelled has had a detrimental effect on your relationship with your husband? Sometimes the need to have a child can take over and prevent your relationship from functioning on other levels.

Give yourselves time to come to terms with the situation. I would suggest you try to get away together and focus on your relationship. Enjoy each other's company, talk and try to have some fun together.

When you have both had time to grieve for the situation you find yourselves in, you can move on to think about what other ways there are of having a fulfilled life and marriage. You may find helpful information on www.bbc.co.uk/health/ physicalhealth/fertility/fertility_movingon