Expert Answers: Fed-up wife is tempted to have an affair

Communication is at the heart of all relationships. Many couples going to the relationship counselling service Relate say that communication breakdown is one of the main reasons they have decided to seek counselling.

Good communication can be described as a dance between two people.

There's a place for you to dance together, the music sets the scene, you both sense the rhythm, take it in turns "to do your thing", follow or take the lead, you do it together, it gives you both pleasure and has a purpose. If you are reasonably good at it, it should be a satisfying experience.

Maybe we wouldn't all feel the same about this dance. Perhaps the setting is wrong, it's not your kind of music, you've never really liked making an exhibition of yourself dancing, etc.

However, if you can hang on to the idea of making the time, creating the right environment, sharing the experience, balancing the inputs, and moving together while doing different things, this could be a useful way of looking at the way you and your partner communicate.

How do I know if I'm a good communicator?

You could ask a friend to tell you how they find conversations with you.

Are you a good listener? Do you wait until the other person has finished what they've got to say before you chime in? Do you acknowledge what they have said?

Do you find it important to make time to have a conversation?

Do you make sure you understand fully what has been said? Do you check out what you think you've heard with the person speaking?

Does your own view of the subject colour what has been said to you?

Do you relay your story in an interesting and informative way, sharing your feelings about the topic, or do you just give the bare facts?

Can you stay with what the other person is saying to you without interrupting, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable?

These questions may help you to get an idea of how you communicate.

How can I improve communication with my partner?

Set aside time to talk when you will not be interrupted. Take it in turns to have air time – some people find setting a timer for five minutes, one speaking while the other listens, then reversing the process, can create a space for each to talk without interruption.

Tell your partner how you felt, feel or will be feeling about something without blaming them. This can be tricky but it is a very useful way of owning your feelings.

Plan to go together somewhere which provides an environment you both find relaxing, eg, a walk in the park, a drink at a pub or a coffee when you're shopping etc. Don't be surprised if there isn't an improvement straight away – you wouldn't expect to dance the salsa after only one attempt,would you?

If you think you need to improve your conversations, these tips might be useful. If you're still having problems communicating as a couple, then do go to Relate where you can find support in learning to talk to each other in a more relaxed, effective, way.

www.relate.org.uk

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

Clearly you need to sort things out with your husband. He is demotivated and possibly clinically depressed. I would try to get him to visit his GP and see if he is depressed. If this is the case then he needs treatment and this should help. If he is not depressed then you need to motivate him.

I think you need to put a little more effort in. Going out does not need to cost a fortune and you seem to have given up trying yourself. It is time to challenge your husband and get him interested in something. You need to be honest with your feelings and tell him you are fed up and want to do more when you are not working. Forget the guy at work, this will cause more problems and not solve your fundamental relationship issues.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

It is difficult these days to manage on one salary, even if the pay is good, so I'm not surprised that there isn't anything left over for "treats".

The first thing I would say is please don't take things any further with the guy at work. It must be a tempting alternative, but believe me, it will lead to more problems than you have at the moment.

Secondly, I think that you need to have a heart to heart with your husband. The behaviour you are describing suggests that he may be suffering from some form of depression, ie, no energy or interest in anything. It may be that he needs help through his GP to lift him out of this mood.

Underlying all of this there are probably some psychological difficulties. It is not easy for some men to accept that their partners have become the breadwinner. Redundancy is a blow to many people as they feel rejected and unwanted – even though it is the job not the person that is no longer viable. Try talking to him, but if you feel that you are not getting anywhere, you may need to consider getting some professional help – better if the two of you are involved, but if not, you need some support, so go alone if necessary.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

I am not a clinical psychologist but it seems to me that your husband is displaying some signs of depression, which is not uncommon when people have been made redundant from a job they valued and enjoyed. I think it would be wrong to start up a relationship with someone else at this point in time. If you care for your husband, you need to find a way to talk to him about his problems, trying to help him through this by getting at the root of his difficulties.

You may need, in this respect, to encourage him to visit, with your support and organisation, a trained counsellor or clinical psychologist to help him work through these issues, which should help him get back on the road to being more active and positive.

Social withdrawal behaviour like his is sometimes a sign of asking for help, and that is what I suggest you provide him with.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

I do wonder what your husband has been doing in the last three years? Perhaps he has repeatedly looked for work and been unsuccessful. This kind of repeated rejection can be bad for one's mental health and may have resulted in him becoming depressed. This makes people feel tired and lack motivation, just as you describe your husband.

I suggest you sit down together and give him encouragement to consider the situation in a different way. It is an opportunity to think about further training or a change of career. Difficult situations present challenges but also allow us the opportunity to stand back from our situations and think creatively about the future.

Your husband needs to hear your encouragement and love come through, not just your financial support. Suggest he visits your doctor to discuss the situation and if he is suffering from depression, he can then access counselling or other appropriate treatment.

I suggest you consider what support you would want from him if the situation was reversed, I am sure you wouldn't want to know he was considering an affair.