Expert Answers: His children take break-up out on me

If you have recently become part of a stepfamily, whether you are the stepparents or have brought a new partner into your children's lives, you will know that it takes time to build a new family.

New relationships need to develop and existing ones have to feel secure again. But children often find it easier to adapt to new lifestyles and with time and effort it's possible for the new stepmother or stepfather, together with the new living arrangements, to feel completely natural to them.

Parentline Plus's top tips for successful stepfamilies are:

Value those around you. Remind everyone that relationships need to be worked at.

Teenagers can be difficult, especially when it comes to discipline, so don't always assume that the problems arise from the forming of a stepfamily.

If you are a new stepmother or stepfather and children aren't being welcoming, it might just be because having a new person in their parent's life, suggests to them that their original family is never going to get back together again. Give it time for them to get used to the new arrangements.

Family obligations like caring for elderly or frail relatives can be particularly complicated for stepfamilies. Make time to plan what you have to do and what you can share out with others.

If you're getting married, try to find a role for the children in the wedding arrangements. This will make them feel included in the changes to their family.

A death in a stepfamily can act as a reminder of the different relationships in the extended family. Try not to resent it if you're excluded from any events that you can't reasonably be a part of.

Remind stepchildren that they could gain additional friendship and support through their stepparents friends and family.

Make time for yourself. Time is needed for a new stepmother or stepfather to be alone to strengthen your relationship – the key to the stepfamilies success.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

This is a very difficult situation and one that is not easily resolved. I think it might help you if you discussed it at length with your husband, first to understand his position. Second some counselling might help you come to terms with the difficulties you will inevitably face.

From the point of view of your step-children, I suggest you and your husband call a family meeting and discuss the situation with them. Try to understand and listen to what is being said and be positive. Is the children's mother still on the scene and is she deliberately causing a rift with your step-children? This is often the case. In this situation firm assertive action needs to be taken.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

There are always difficulties when a family breaks down and the parents enter into another relationship. It must be hard for you, but please try and hold onto the fact that this isn't a personal thing; their anger and hostility isn't necessarily aimed at you but the situation as a whole.

Children of this age often believe that their parents will get back together again, and when a third party, as it were, enters onto the scene this upsets their hopes for a reconciliation.

Maybe you are trying too hard. I am sure you are not attempting to play the role of their mother – because that is a recipe for disaster. I would suggest you withdraw from things from time to time. Try to have other things to do when he has access to them. This will give your partner time to be with his children on his own and it will give you a break from the tension.

You need to enlist your partner's support on this one. Explain to him that you are not avoiding the situation, but giving everyone some breathing space. They need to get used to the fact that you are their father's girlfriend. Give it time and let everyone get used to this new situation.

Cary CooperProfessor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

My wife was in this same situation with my children from my first marriage, who were roughly the same age as yours. She tried ever so hard, perhaps too hard, to get close to them, but they resented her, even though she had nothing to do with my marital breakup.

After a while, without trying to get their acceptance and approbation, they came around and became very close to her. I think they need time to come to terms with the marriage breakup, and before they can allow you to get close to them, they need some space.

After they have dealt with this break-up, they will gradually be open to a new relationship to you and between you and your husband.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

The children may be angry, but it is important not to interpret their behaviour as having just one cause or use your adult reasoning to assume you understand their "motives". Children's behaviour reflects their emotional state, but at their age they probably don't understand the complexity of their feelings and how it affects their behaviour.

I wonder if you may be trying a bit too hard? It is normal to want to get on together, but children are very good at discerning what is genuine and you may find it easier if you try to relax a little more. Plan fun things to do together, but listen to what they want to do too and don't forget to build in some down time.

I wonder if the children are moving between two homes? Having two different sets of rules and people to get along with can be stressful. If they seem angry, ask them if there is anything that is upsetting them. Children's concerns are different to those of adults; you may be surprised that it is something you can sort out quite easily. Behaviour that looks like naughtiness is usually just a symptom of children's confusion or distress.