Expert Answers: I can't forgive and forget over his affair

It is vital that you both understand the real reasons why it happened. To do this you will have to talk about what had been going on between you in the time leading up to the affair.

This can be very painful, but unless you know what went wrong, you won't be able to change things in the future.

Be patient. Rebuilding trust that has been broken can take a long time.

The unfaithful partner must end the affair, once and for all.

Talk it through. This process may take days, weeks, or longer.

Don't talk on for hours and hours – you'll just go round in circles.

Set a time limit, and don't talk when you're tired.

Agree to discuss future problems, too, instead of just hoping they'll go away.

Make a commitment to a new future together. Both partners must do this, and mean it.

Find more time for each other, take more interest in each others' lives and feelings.

Try to sort out sexual problems.

Consider relationship counselling.

Only you can decide what to do in the aftermath of an affair, and whatever you decide will not be easy.

Many affairs cause havoc in a relationship that is already dogged with problems. Affairs do sometimes provoke far-reaching changes that eventually strengthen and enhance the relationship. The cost can be very high, however.

An affair can also have destructive effects on your family. Children, in-laws, friends, may all find themselves caught up in events, and perhaps having to take sides. Permanent barriers can be created.

Even so, an affair does not always mean the end of your relationship. With hard work, commitment and patience, it may be possible to come through this crisis changed, but also stronger.

The key message is to understand why the affair happened, rather than running away from the reasons. Whether you stay together or part, it is crucial to gather some insights into what went wrong. Do this, and if you remain together you will have a deeper understanding of yourselves.

If you part, you will know that you had the courage to face the truth, and will be better prepared for future relationships.

Relate counsellors can help you as couple or on your own to understand

how you've arrived at this point.

For face-to-face counselling contact your nearest Relate or have counselling by phone.

www.relate.org.uk

Paul Charlson, GP from Brough

I think this is a situation where you either have to separate or decide to put it behind you. This obviously depends on what you want to do.

If you really cannot forget it then it is pointless continuing in the relationship as it will continue to nag you forever. Relate might help you to resolve this situation.It might be something you and your husband could attend together or you may prefer to attend yourself.

It will not be good for your children if you and your husband are not getting on and sometimes separation is the best solution. However, it would be a shame to destroy a good marriage if you can resolve it. In the end it is up to you.

Trust is something that you can only build up in time, however you cannot live a life where you are continually checking and worrying about what your husband is doing.

Elaine Douglas, A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

When a partner has an affair it is a huge betrayal of trust, so it isn't surprising you are having difficulty in coming to terms with what happened. You say you cannot forgive and forget but perhaps you could try and work on the forgiveness part first. If you can understand why it happened and forgive you would starting to move forward.

Have the two of you discussed why he had an affair? If not, maybe this is something that you need to do. There may have been something missing in the relationship that made him look elsewhere. I am not condoning what he did. People have choices, and if the relationship isn't right for whatever reason, these things should be discussed.

Trust between a couple is built up over a long period. For you this has gone, and to regain it is going to take time and effort from both of you. If you love each other and there is the will and motivation from both of you to make it succeed then you are in with a good chance. You may then be able to forgive – and let time take care of the forgetting.

Cary Cooper, Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

Not an unfamiliar scenario these days I am afraid. I know it is difficult to "truly" trust him but the way forward is to ensure that there is always open communications between the two of you, and that you make sure that you do things together, trying to avoid leading separate lives. The problem in many marriages today is that partners in a marriage tend to lead entirely different lives, either both working but in very different work spheres, or one working and the other at home. Given the long working cultures we have these days, partners are not spending enough emotional time together, enjoying one another's company, sharing experiences and the like, to reinforce what attracted them in the first place and to maintain their emotional bonds. Being a team, with good and open communications and sharing experiences is vital in all relationships.

Dr Carol Burniston, Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

Forgiving is important if your relationship is to move forward, but don't aim for forgetting. All the events in our lives, whether we perceive them to be positive or negative, contribute to who we are and what we know about ourselves. If we forget these events, we can miss out on this crucial learning and personal development.

You have to develop trust in your husband again and that will take time and effort from both of you. The fact that your husband came back should reassure you that he values you. Try to spend time with each other and have fun doing the things that brought you together as a couple. Talking about the circumstances around your husband's affair is important, so that you can both learn what went wrong, but avoid it becoming the only topic of conversation. Some couples find that opting for professional counselling gives them a neutral environment to explore their painful and complex feelings and helps them to contain the issues. It is important to adopt a no blame approach and accept that you both have things to learn and you will both need to be prepared to change.