Expert Answers: I wonder if my 16-year-old son is gay

Many parents discovering that their son or daughter is gay or lesbian want to know at some stage how best to offer support. First of all, don't assume that your child is happy about the situation. Some will have accepted their sexuality, but others will have absorbed the same misinformation that other people do. They may be very upset to discover that they are different through no fault of their own.

Access to other young people going though the same experiences can be very helpful. Contact your local Youth Service, who may be able to give you details of the nearest LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) Youth Group. Even if your son or daughter does not want to attend, they can offer advice on staying safe and locally available services. In some areas, though, there are few, if any, such groups – so phone information and support lines are a great help.

If you have any friends or relatives who are gay, ask for their help. There are websites that offer guidance and help.

Homophobic behaviour in schools is widespread. Some 74 per cent of secondary pupils who are bullied report it is because they're suspected of being gay, lesbian or bisexual, whether they are or not. And 95 per cent of secondary school teachers confirm they hear the phrase "You're so gay" or "That's so gay" used as an insult regularly (The Teacher's Report, Stonewall, 2008).

In this atmosphere, it's terrifying for any pupil to come out – and equally frightening for their parents, fearing for their child's safety.

So how can you check if the school is doing the right things to help your child? This is a useful checklist.

Ask school staff about what they do to:

Promote pupils' personal development

Prevent bullying, both homophobic and in general

Provide support for pupils who are bullied about being lesbian or gay

Ask what training staff have had on homophobia and bullying. This could include all teaching and non-teaching staff. Find out whether the school has links with external agencies with expertise on lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender issues. This could include a support group or even a theatre in education organisation that has addressed bullying and homophobia.

Ask whether the school includes sexuality issues in its programme of Personal, Social and Health Education.

A school which is taking its responsibility to address homophobia seriously will cover sexuality issues in a way that promotes understanding among pupils.

www.gotateenager.org.uk

Paul Charlson, GP from Brough

He is your son, gay or not. As long as he is happy and healthy I would not be too concerned. If he wishes to tell you about his relationships he will choose to do so in his own time. The shutting himself in his bedroom might be a concern and indicate depressive illness or something else, such as drug misuse. I think you need to find a way of opening dialogue with your son. This might be difficult but I do think it is necessary. If you manage this then hopefully any problems will be revealed and you can deal with them accordingly.

If you can it might be worth chatting casually with his friends as they may provide clues to any potential issues. In the end you can just be a willing listener and a supportive parent and hope that is enough.

Elaine Douglas, A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships.

It would seem you have made quite a monumental jump from being worried that your son is keeping his distance and assuming because of this he is gay. He is 16 and has had two girlfriends for a short while – sounds very much like your average teenage boy to me. He doesn't want to talk to you about them – of course not, and I am a bit taken aback because you seem to think that he would.

Your son is growing up and there are certain things that as a teenager you do not want to discuss with your parents. This is one of them. At 16 I would be worried if he had a relationship with a girl for a long time. He is too young and from what you have said seems to be getting to know about girls – all perfectly normal. I think you need to respect his privacy on this one and not jump to conclusions. Most teenagers spend hours in their room – it's what they do. It's good that he has some close male friends, but because he has them doesn't mean that he's gay – and if he is he will tell you in his own good time.

Cary Cooper, Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

I suspect a number of parents wonder about their children's sexuality during their adolescent period, whether they are gay or heterosexual or not in relationships, the full gambit.

Most teenagers don't like talking to their parents full stop, let alone about their relationships. Why are you worrying about his sexual orientation anyway, if he is gay, then you, as a loving parent, will accept it in the long run. So what is the purpose of worrying about it now. What I would be more concerned about is your son burying his emotions, whatever they are, during this very stressful period as a teenager – with so many things to worry about and relationships to establish.

What I would do is try to find a way in which you can re-establish your relationship with your son, which has nothing to do with his sexual orientation, but just that you are around for him if he needs you. This has to be done in a non-threatening, non-judgmental way. He needs to know you are there for him if he chooses to come to you.

Dr Carol Burniston, Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

Many of the things you have noticed about your son are very usual in adolescence. They tend to talk more to their friends than they do to their parents and become more private about their feelings and thoughts. If you had a good and close relationship with your son previously, then this will return as he grows a little older.

Young people take time to decide who they are and become comfortable and confident in themselves. Sometimes this looks like secrecy but there may or may not be something your son would like to tell you. You love your son and part of that is giving him space and time to come to you on his own terms about anything he might want to talk to you about. Make yourself available and let him know you will listen to anything he has to say, but don't jump to conclusions. Remember to have fun together, by watching a favourite soap or walking the dog. Offering lifts in the car can produce some good communication as he won't have to look you in the eye.