Expert Answers: A matter of no smoke without ire

I used to smoke heavily and although I gave up 10 years ago, a couple of my friends still smoke. If they come to my house they just assume they can light up because I used to smoke. I know I should just tell them to stop but it seems so rude.

HERE are a few tips on how to make your home smoke-free.

Start by making smoking an outdoor activity.

Let family and friends know your house is smoke-free.

Get rid of your ashtrays.

Redecorate rooms to get rid of the smell of tobacco smoke.

Display a sticker or door hanger to remind people that your home is smoke-free

If you cannot make your home smoke-free, make sure your children are not around anyone who is smoking.

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Remember that it is your home and asking your family and friends not to smoke is not too much to ask to protect your children.

Never smoke in your child's bedroom or in any room that your child uses.

Eighty per cent of children who smoke have a mum or dad who smokes.

Why not be a good role model and think about stopping smoking yourself?

You can put up friendly signs asking people not to smoke.

It is simple. Just say: "If you want to smoke– go outside."

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Make a rule for all your family and friends – that your car and home are smoke-free. Ask people who want to smoke to go outside. It is not enough to just open a door or window.

Place no-smoking signs and stickers in prominent places around the home

and inside the car. Ask your children to design and make the signs or use the ones provided in the pack.

Tell children and young people about the dangers of second-hand smoke so that they can try to avoid it.

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Ask anyone looking after your children in your home or in their home not to smoke in the presence of your children.

In public places, politely ask smokers to move away from children or move to areas that are smoke-free. Since the passing of the smoke-free legislation, this is a lot easier to do.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

This is not a problem. You just need to be firm with your friends and tell them you are absolutely serious about not having smoking in your house.

Any half-decent friend will listen to you and respect your position. If the friend does not do this, then they are not much of a friend.

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It is not rude to ask them not to smoke. Make sure you ask them clearly and firmly but not aggressively. It is rude for someone to disregard your feelings.

My advice is to make your case and see the reaction of these friends. You can then decide what kind of friend they truly are.

The whole situation is more about respect and you being assertive, which is different from aggression and confrontation. You need to work on these skills. There are books and courses and it might help you in other aspects of your life.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

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Your friends are, in effect, coming into a smoke-free zone, and they should respect this.

What they do in their own homes is up to them, but I do feel strongly that it is wrong for them to assume that because you used to smoke, they can light up indiscriminately. What they are doing is thoughtless and totally inconsiderate of your needs and wishes and I think that it's about time you put your foot down.

I have a number of friends who smoke, but they observe what is, in effect, an unwritten rule. If they go to a no-smoking house, they will either not smoke at all, or go outside for a cigarette.

In my view, if you are a guest in someone else's house, you need to respect the wishes of that person.

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I think that you need to learn to say "no". You need to be taken seriously. If they take offence, then that is their problem, not yours. True friends would be mortified if they thought that they were causing you discomfort or were upsetting you.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

You will need to tell them and be straight about it. The best approach to doing this, I think, is outside of the context of your house.

I would suggest when you see each of these friends, you tell them that it is causing you to feel very wheezy, but do this when you are with them somewhere else other than in your home. They probably associate your home with you smoking so give them this feedback in a different setting and in a fairly firm way.

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There is no way round it, you need to be firm and resolute, and if they are your true friends, they will understand but don't try to lighten your feedback, that will only provide them with a safe exit.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

True good friends will respect your decisions and your home. It sounds as if you may have been diffident in putting your case across.

You need to be clear and perhaps a bit tougher, and let people know that since you stopped smoking, you don't like the lingering smell and that it has a bad effect on your health.

You may be able to offer your friends an alternative, such as smoking in the garden. It isn't rude to express your preferences, you wouldn't think twice about asking someone not to swear or make racist remarks or take their shoes off if these are the normal behaviours for your family.

You have a right to ask your friends to behave as you wish in your home.

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