Expert Answers: My daughter is pushing the boundaries

When a child is small, we often use boundaries to protect them and keep them away from harm or danger. But it is important that you explain why boundaries are there – for instance, if you pull the child away from an open fire explain why.

When parents give orders, children often dig in their heels.

One way to stop this happening is to let them know why something is important.

Boundaries are about setting the bottom line or making agreements about what is acceptable and what is not.

Boundaries work far better if they are made and agreed by everyone.

When children see the sense of it, or know you've taken their opinions into account, they are more motivated to co-operate.

As children grow, most will test the limits – this is quite normal behaviour.

When they become teenagers you may need to change or amend these boundaries to reflect different or new behaviours and experiences.

When you do this, involve your child so that you can negotiate the new boundaries together.

Too many boundaries can cause resentment and be impossible to "police".

Work out what is really important to you and what you could let go.

Rules can help you keep your child safe, but as they get older you will need to negotiate and let them take more responsibility for their own safety.

There may be times when your values conflict with the values that your children are learning from other people and the media. This may be when you find yourself negotiating. Remember that setting boundaries can sometimes make children feel safe when the world seems otherwise out of control. Occasionally giving children responsibility for their own safety is a good thing.

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Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

Young girls can look much older than their years dressed as you describe; this attracts the attention of older boys who are more likely to be interested in sex than intellectual conversation with a 14-year-old.

The net result is usually disastrous for both the girl and the man involved.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your daughter and explain clearly, but nicely, the reasons for your concerns.

I think putting any type of ban on make-up and clothes is likely to be counter-productive. It will lead to resentment and tension.

The best way to tackle the issue is to share your concerns and reward her for acting appropriately. It might be worth discussing fashion and try to get her to look good without looking provocative.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

I think this is one of those periods where your negotiation skills and a level of compromise

comes into play.

Both of you have to give a bit and reach a solution that neither of you would perhaps be totally happy with – but you can both live with.

The alternative to discussion and talking things through is usually confrontation andat this age, to be honest, that gets you no-where.

I think that you have to accept that your daughter will want to follow fashion, so perhaps you could discuss with her what's in and what's not. If you trawl through the websites of her favourite shops you will get a better idea. Make suggestions – but again be prepared to give a little.

On the make-up front, I suspect she is still learning. It's going to happen, but if you can steer her into using products that will enhance her features rather than being too obvious, she may welcome your advice.

You need to work with her, not against her.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

How many times did I hear this from my wife about my daughters?

From my point of view, what is most important when you are going through the teen years is to maintain a good relationship with your children.

If you can somehow walk the fine line between accepting what she needs to do but guiding her to realise some of the downsides or pitfalls, that would be the best strategy.

Being judgmental will not cement your relationship with her, but undermine it.

If she feels you are not too happy with her attire or make-up or whatever, but that you accept that she needs to decide herself on these matters, she may then feel she can talk to you when things go wrong.

If she thinks you are very critical of her behaviour, and things go wrong, you are less likely to hear about it and then things could get even worse.

This "fine line" is a difficult one to walk.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

It is difficult to watch your youngsters develop more adult behaviours and manage your own anxieties about the potential risks they face.

However, it is one of the tasks of parenting an adolescent, enabling

them to face tricky situations and manage them well.

Try to observe the way her friends dress; you will probably see a particular style developing.

It isn't what your daughter is wearing that puts her in danger – other issues are much more important. Is she mixing with older boys whose expectations may be more than she is ready to provide? Is she drinking alcohol or using street drugs that affect her judgment or lower her resistance to peer pressure? Do you know where she is going, who with and when and how she is going

to get home?

Dressing provocatively tends to be a fashion statement, it doesn't mean that your daughter is inviting sexual contact or being sexually active.