Expert Answers: Weighing costs of going back to work

My husband has a good job but we can't make ends meet. He wants me to go back to work but our baby is only nine months old and the cost of a nursery would make a huge hole in what I could earn. My husband used to be easy-going but I know he's worried about money and his job.

YOU might think the main factor governing the decision concerning returning to work or staying at home with a new baby is financial.

But there are other aspects to take into consideration when you are deciding on something that will have a major impact on your future, and your identity.

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Of course, considering your financial situation is essential.

Some new parents have a simple choice either way. They have sufficient income that they can decide either to stay at home or to return to work.

But for most of us, the choice is not as straightforward. If we did stay at home after the birth, we would need to make a number of financial sacrifices, possibly even move into a cheaper housing area.

The high cost of good quality childcare means that for many, a monthly childcare bill takes a huge bite out of take-home pay that would leave nothing over for family holidays, new clothes and other expenses.

Whichever way you do it, babies are expensive.

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A recent survey suggested that the average parents spend over 3,600 on their new offspring, before any allowance for lost earnings

or childcare.

You either lose one salary, or you pay someone else's.

But it's not just disposable income that influences our decision on whether to stay at home or go back to work: there are other factors.

Most of our decisions in life are based upon our own experience or those of people close to us who we trust.

Decisions such as whether to return to work are often made by looking

back on our own childhood.

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It may be that we don't want to give up as much as we felt our mothers

gave up for us, or it may be that our mother held down a responsible

job and managed the family too.

On the other hand, we may wish to replicate the childhood spent at home with family.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

I think this is a simple case of looking at budgets and deciding how much you have coming in and what your outgoings are. Then it is a simple case of seeing if you can reduce your outgoings and increase your income. Clearly, this discussion will bring into the equation outgoings for entertainment, ie, you mention your husband's trips to the pub. It will also focus on whether your going out to work is actually worth it financially. From this exercise you should be able to discuss rationally what an effective way forward is. Hopefully you can reach an amicable agreement. It is better not to get into a mud- slinging exercise as this will be counterproductive. Your current statement suggests a slightly entrenched attitude from you both – this will not make for an agreement.

Elaine Douglas

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A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

I think that these days it isn't easy to manage on one wage. However, when, as you say, you factor in child care costs, what you would earn could be negligible and counter-productive in many ways. There may be a few things going on here in terms of your husband's attitude. He may be feeling the weight of the responsibility he has as sole wage earner. Perhaps he resents the fact that he has to work while you stay at home – this is something you need to discuss more fully.

I suggest that you do three things. The first is to write down your income and expenditure and work out where the money goes. That must include his nights out at the pub. Secondly, have a look at what work you could do and find out about child care arrangements. Work out what your take home pay would be and how much would be left.

The third thing is to research whether there is any way you could earn money from working at home.

Cary Cooper

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Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

He obviously doesn't know what to do to cover your living and life style expenses, and is taking out on you because he doesn't know what to do to deal with your problem. I think you need to find the time and space, when he is not so obviously stressed, to discuss your family's predicament and jointly come up with various options and then do a personal "cost-benefit" assessment of each option, considering the ones with the most benefits and the least costs to your family as a whole. If he is unable to discuss this rationally, I would suggest you go and get some help through Relate or some other counselling service, because you both need to discuss

how you feel about possible options and in an honest and open manner.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

Financial issues are the thing that causes the most conflict in relationships, couples argue about them more than any other problem. Approaching the concerns as a team might help you to find some common ground.

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A lot of men, when they become fathers feel the weight of financial responsibility weighs more heavily on them.

Try making a time when you can sit down together without interruptions and look at your finances. Look realistically at the costs of child care and balance these against what you could earn. The facts will help you both to make the best decision for your family life and for your finances. There may be financial help available in the form of tax credits or benefits.

If you have access to the internet, Martin Lewis's website has some helpful advice on how to make your money go further, www.moneysavingexpert.com and you can get information about tax credits from; www.hmrc.gov.uk/TAXCREDITS.

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