Expert Answers: When is cheating really only texting?

A survey has found that 57 per cent of men would not consider text sex as cheating, while 86 per cent of women would.

The survey, for www.My VoucherCodes.co.uk, has conducted research to find out just what people considered to be "cheating".

The site quizzed 1,456 people, of whom 698 were men and 758 were women. Of the men polled, 57 per cent said that they didn't think that sending sexy text messages to another woman was cheating, regardless of how suggestive they were, while 86 per cent of women said it was cheating even if their partner didn't go any further than texting.

When asked whether they would dump a partner for sending saucy texts, one in three women said yes, while only one in six men said they would. With regards to social networking, one in four women said they would dump their partner for flirting with another woman on sites such as Facebook, dependent on who the flirting was with and how explicit. Nineteen per cent of men said they wouldn't consider this cheating but would dump a girl for it.

When asked whether they would leave their partner if they caught them sending sexually explicit messages on Twitter, 22 per cent of women said it would be a "dumping" offence, while more than four in five men said they would forgive and forget.

Many of the respondents of the survey considered emails to be worse than sending texts or by flirting via social networking. One in 10 men have, in fact, suspected their partner has been flirting with another male work colleague by email, but only one in four actually found their suspicions to be founded.

One in three men said they would consider dumping their girlfriend if she had sent sexy emails to a work colleague, while one in four women said they would dump their boyfriend for the same offence.

Technology allows us to communicate more freely than ever before. Online chatrooms, dating sites, even Facebook, allow the development of relationships in cyberspace, where we are free to take on the persona of our choice, and indulge the darker side of our personalities anonymously, and without the consequences of confiding in someone physically known to us, at least in theory. In fact, in cyberspace, we can be whoever or whatever we want to be.

The problem is that as human beings, we often crave what we can't have. So we go online and start a "virtual" relationship. No harm in that you may think, but as things develop, the very fact that the relationship is "virtual" – you can share your deepest, darkest thoughts with this attractively mysterious person – means you are on the road to nowhere, leading to frustration as your bond develops, and distortion of the whole relationship as your feelings grow in the absence of the other person.

Emotional infidelity is not necessarily an online proposition, however. The workplace is often responsible for developing relationships. Business lunches, shared projects etc, mean that people working closely together often find themselves in an emotional relationship, perhaps spending time with someone that they knew in the workplace but had never realised how well they would get on together in general. They find that their "friend" is becoming more and more important to them.

Unlike a sexual relationship, emotional infidelity is not so clear cut – different couples have different boundaries within their relationships.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

It is bound to affect the trust you have with your husband. Only you can decide how you feel about this and what you want to do about it.

I think you need to discuss with your husband the reasons why he has been texting an old girlfriend. Clearly there are issues with your relationship which need resolving.

After discussion and thought, you have to decide whether your marriage is worth saving or not and whether you can live with the insecurity this has created.

The reality is flirtatious texting is common and it is up to the individuals concerned to weigh things up and decide.

If you are struggling, some counselling from Relate may help either by yourself or with your husband.

I would not make a hurried decision.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

Making contact with someone from your past can be exciting, which is why it is so tempting, but doing so by mobile phone also makes it more of a fantasy.

However, memories will come flooding back, and in his head your husband is transported to a time when he was younger and probably without responsibilities. You must remember that all of this is in his head, but if a woman feels her partner has an emotional connection with someone else, it can be more devastating than a one-night stand that meant nothing.

You need to sit down with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel. If you both examine your relationship you will probably find there could be some level of complacency between you, or that you don't put the same amount of effort into keeping the relationship fresh.

He has hurt you and needs to be made aware of this, but if you are both able to look at the wider picture, you may find that your relationship becomes stronger.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

If it were me, I would want to know why he is texting her in the first place, explicit or not.

Is there something wrong or missing in your relationship, sexually, emotionally or in some

other way, that he needs to contact her?

Whether something physical has occurred or not is beside the point, what you need to find out is what is missing in your relationship from his point of view that he needs to establish contact in the first place. This might best be done when the two of you are not under much pressure, and in a context where there will not be interruptions or distractions.

It might be best if you got away for the weekend and used that time and space to honestly explore the whys and wherefores of your relationship, and how you feel about what he did, but in a non-blaming way, so he doesn't become defensive and openness is inhibited.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

This behaviour will have caused you to think that perhaps your relationship is not as you thought it was. Whether there was anything physical between him and his ex or not is irrelevant if you perceive his actions to be a betrayal.

We base our closest relationships on trust and when this is lost the effect is to call that relationship into question. You do need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Ask him why he has resumed his contact with his ex-girlfriend and when. Explain that truth is essential.

You will need to be brave and establish that your husband still loves you and wants to strengthen your marriage. It may be that due to the normal pressures of family and work life, your relationship has not been given the priority it deserves.

Try to be open to the possibility your husband has felt neglected because of your busy lives, but remember it takes two to maintain a strong relationship and it isn't all up to you.