Expert Answers: When children's needs come first

It is a tricky time when the family changes its form but with some thought and planning, the effect on the children can be reduced.

This may sound impossible, especially if you are in the middle of an emotional upheaval, but help is available.

Some Relate centres provide a service called Relate for Parents.

This is a special, one-hour, one-off information and advice-giving session for parents who may have already separated or who are about to.

Children do not attend but they are the main focus and their needs are central to the session.

You will be given age-related information and advice about what and when to tell the children.

Hand-outs are also provided which can help the children to express their feelings and ask questions.

Research has been carried out into the factors connected with reducing stress for children at the time of divorce.

These tips might help:

Children will be better able to cope if their parents can be seen to share the responsibility for their welfare. So, telling them together about when and what is going to happen, will show to them that you can still be mum and dad even though you are not together as a couple any more.

While you want to be open and honest with the children, try to keep in mind what they can cope with at their different ages. They do not need to know every single detail about what has gone wrong, nor should they be involved in any conflict between you and your partner.

Try to keep as normal a routine as possible going. When the routine has to change, introduce the changes as slowly as you can and talk them through with the children.

Remind them that you will always be their parents even though you may not wish to be a couple any longer

Reassure them, that it is not their fault that you have decided to divorce – this is between the two of you.

Do everything you can to help yourselves adjust to your new situation especially, if you are the parent with residence.

Reassure them that you have decided to separate from each other but not from them; you are still their parents. Do not put them in a position where they have to choose between you.

Don't forget that there is plenty of help to get you and the children through this difficult time.

But do keep an eye on your children. Check out the panel above if you are worried about your child's reaction and contact Relate or your GP if concerns continue.

CHILDREN'S REACTIONS

The way a child responds to the new situation will vary according to his or her age, gender and personality type, some ways of coping are obvious, others less so.

Changes in the way they are at school – a teacher may be concerned and let you know about these.

Younger children may regress – sleeplessness may be a problem and bed-wetting too.

Depression and sadness – older children seem to be coping well

but may very well be concealing their true feelings as they want to protect their parents.www.relate.org.uk

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

Deciding whether or not to stay in a relationship which is no longer working is a very difficult decision but much more so when you have children and only you can make it. There is understandably a reluctance to split up a family and inflict the disruption that it may cause on your children. On the other hand, though, how good is it for a child or children to be part of a family in conflict? The consensus among many marriage experts is that although it can be a difficult process, most children from divorced homes, raised in a stable environment, will grow into successful adults.

If handled sensitively and carefully, children can usually cope with separation and adapt to new living arrangements, it is the ongoing level of conflict, that if present, hurts them. I would urge you to, if possible, discuss how you are feeling with your husband, it may be worth looking into the possibility of counselling/ mediation as a couple to see if there is a way of working together to try to resolve your situation before you make any decisions. Ending a marriage is a final step and should never be done without careful consideration.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

"Staying together for the sake of the children" is a phrase that is bandied about, but what does it actually mean? If there is disharmony in a marriage or relationship it will have an impact on the children and it's a fallacy to believe that they won't be affected by tension and stress within a family situation. Children pick up nuances of behaviour – tone of voice, body language, silences, not doing things as a family – all kinds of signals. Young children are no different. You may not argue in front of them, but they will pick up on atmospheres and know that something is wrong.

Having said that, the ending of a marriage where there are children involved is fraught with difficulties and is never easy for all concerned. Assets are split, there are issues about custody and access, who lives where and with whom etc.

It can be a nightmare, which is why so many people who are married or in a long-term relationship do nothing – possibly in the hope that somehow it will all work itself out. Sadly, more often than not this is not the case and the problems exacerbate.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

It might be helpful here if you and your husband, who is likely to feel the same as you, went to Relate or a similar organisation, to share your problem with a professional, who could help you both think through your options. It may be that if you both can highlight your issues in public, in a safe situation, then you can come to a mutual accommodation that the marriage is worth saving, and how, or that you should separate and then get a divorce. If it is the later, you can also get some advice of how you do this with the least damage to one another and the children.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

This sounds like a very unhappy situation for everyone. If both you and your husband are unhappy, I wonder what has gone wrong and when? Have you considered attending for couples counselling with an organisation such as Relate? If you subsequently both agree that splitting up is the only option, then it is important that you jointly hold the interests of your children at the centre of your plans for the future.

Your children will cope with your marital separation if they know that they are not responsible; that both Mum and Dad love them and will continue to look after them. Try to speak to them together and reassure them about the future. Be clear about the plans you have agreed and explain who they will live with and when they will see the other parent.

You need to find a way to continue to parent the children with your husband despite a separation and agreeing not to compete with each other is a good place to start. Your children will continue to love you both, whatever happens.