Expert Answers: Why does my husband resent my success?

At the end of the 1960s, just four per cent of women aged 16 to 60 earned more than their partner.

Latest figures show the number of "breadwinner wives" has rocketed to 19 per cent, equal to about 2.7m women.

The research suggests that the proportion of wives or girlfriends whose salary beats their partner's will keep on climbing sharply.

A further 25 per cent of women earn the same as their husband or boyfriend, which means they could easily overtake them in

the future.

The figures come from a government-commissioned report into economic inequality, published by the National Equality Panel.

It analysed official surveys of up to 25,000 households in the UK over the past four decades, which included both married and unmarried couples.

It shows the dramatic change for today's women, many of whom have mothers and grandmothers who did not work and devoted themselves to looking after their children.

As a result of their spouse's impressive earning power, a growing number of men give up work when they become fathers.

The woman's higher salary means that it does not make financial sense for them to quit their job and rely on the man's salary, which might not even cover the mortgage.

Official figures, from the Office for National Statistics, show the number of men who do not work because they are looking after their children has rocketed by 80 per cent in just 15 years.

In 1994, there were 120,000 men who told statisticians they were "looking after family/home". Today, it is a record 214,000. By comparison, the number of women in the same position has dropped from 2.7m to 2m.

Despite the shift, official figures still show that women working full-time typically earn about 25 per cent less than men.

On average, a man is paid 531 a week before tax, but a woman receives only 426, according to the Office for National Statistics.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

This does not need to come between you and needs resolving sooner rather than later.

I think you and your husband need to discuss any issues and get them in

to the open.

Clearly, some men find that a more successful wife is difficult to deal with. Others will be proud of their wife's achievements and some may simply enjoy spending the money they have earned. Frankly, if you have a good marriage, it should not present a problem.

Men often have big ego and insecurity problems, and these need to be handled properly.

I would first try to check if your assumptions about your husband resenting you is actually fact – but in a gentle non-confrontational way – and take it from there.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

While you were both earning good money, I suspect that there wasn't a problem. However, your husband was made redundant, which, psychologically, is a very difficult thing to deal with.

Most people see this as a rejection – they find it hard to accept that it is the job that is no longer viable and feel that, in some way, there is something wrong with them.

You are going from strength to strength – which is great – but from your husband's point of view, he is probably looking at you and wondering why this hasn't happened for him. He may well feel bad about the fact that he is resentful, but may feels that he is powerless to do anything about his own situation and how he feels about yours. It's a tricky one.

As with most things, you need to talk with him. Reassure him that you love him and understand what he has been going through. If he realises that you are supporting him, he may feel less resentful and more energised to help himself.

This is a growing problem as the glass ceiling for women at work is beginning to shatter.

Even in our supposedly enlightened age men still feel they should be the main breadwinner and feel they are letting down their spouse/partner if they are not earning more or don't have higher status in occupational terms.

You need to surface this as an issue rather than keep it buried and "out of harm's way", which is the easy option.

You also need to look at your own behaviour and see if there is anything you are doing that might reinforce his insecurity about his status in your relationship.

There are things that you may be doing that over-emphasise your job in a way that makes him feel less successful, or that you resent him not "pulling his weight".

Whether it is insecurities or something you are doing, the only way to resolve this situation is to talk about it openly; it will be painful but it needs to be done, and sooner rather than later.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

Many men may feel threatened by the loss of their traditional role as primary breadwinner.

Most marital arguments are about finances; who spends what and who earns what. If you are a good team, then everything you both earn or spend is "ours", and discussed and agreed upon. In reality, there are endless possible permutations of how people work it out to suit themselves.

Communication is important here; spend time examining your attitudes and the way you arrange your finances.

Many women still find that they do the largest share of the domestic chores and child care, even when they also work the same hours as their partner and possibly earn a bigger salary.

You probably both have issues and you need to bring them into the open. Your husband needs to know that you still love and respect him and that his worth as a person is not about the money he earns.