Expert Answers: Youngster's fear for feuding parents

It is normal for parents to argue and disagree from time to time; in fact, sometimes it is healthy to bring their differences out in the open rather than keeping them bottled up and staying angry.

Even if they are rowing regularly, there can be a lot of love, care and affection in between.

In fact, watching your parents disagree is not always damaging and may help you deal well with arguments as you grow up.

However, it is different if the arguments become too heated and too often.

Children often worry that when parents argue it may mean that they no longer love each other and that they may get divorced. It can be very upsetting to hear your parents call each other unkind names and yell at each other.

Remember that the arguments are not necessarily about you or anything that you have done, but rather between the two of them.

Where it becomes too heated and too frequent, you should remember the following:

It is not your job to be a referee.

Stay out of the argument.

Go somewhere else in the house, close the door, find something else to do until it is over.

Although your parents may resort to name-calling and saying unkind and hurtful things to each other, it does not mean that it is OK for you to do likewise

Where parents lose control and may hurt each other, they will need the help of another adult to get their anger under control.

What you can do:

Talk to a relative whom you can trust.

Talk to a teacher.

Talk to an adult friend whom you can trust

Talk to the school counsellor, or a therapist or a Relate family counsellor.

These people know how to help families work on problems, including fighting. They can help by teaching family members to listen to each other and talk about feelings without yelling and screaming. Although it may take some work and time, people in families can learn to get along better.

www.relate.org.uk

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

This is a difficult one. Have you tried to discuss it with your parents? You are at an age when you can understand what is going on in the world and how relationships work.

Clearly, your parents are having problems and it might help if you can talk to them about it. Tell them how you feel.

Talk to each parent individually, listen to their side. Make sure they realise that they are not the only ones involved. You could also try to break up arguments; try to mediate if you can.

It is very difficult to suggest how else you might help. In the end, it is up to your parents to resolve their differences, and you can only give your perspective.

The situation will resolve itself in time one way or another; all you can do is be supportive and try to help out around the house to minimise stress.

If all else fails, it might be worth talking to an outsider such as a counsellor or family friend or relative.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

The fact that your parents don't seem to have been getting along for some time is obviously worrying and upsetting you.

There could be a number of explanations for this. They may be trying to sort out things that they feel are not really your concern.

They may have got bogged down over the last couple of years with an accumulation of small things that have started to pile up on top of each other .

They may have been trying to sort out whatever is causing their difficulties themselves without involving you because they don't want to worry you.

Whatever the reason, I think that your parents would be mortified if they knew how much this is upsetting you.

I think this situation calls for some plain talking on your part. I would approach your mother and father and tell them that you are aware that they are not getting on and that this worries you. Get things out in the open and you may find that the situation is not as bad as you fear.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

When couples are having problems they think they have adequately hidden from their children, they usually are wrong – the children usually know about it.

I guess what would benefit you and them is to get some help to surface and talk about the issues. Obviously, it would be worthwhile if they went to Relate to get some help but you need them to admit in the first place that they are not getting on.

This is unfamiliar territory for me but I think if this were happening in my family, I would hope that my children would let both of us know that they feel there are problems in our relationship and that this is upsetting them.

This is a high-risk strategy but it may enable your parents to surface their issues and consider getting help from Relate or some other relationship counselling organisation – at least it would be in the open, although it won't be pleasant.

It is up to them to do something about it one way or another.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

I am sorry you are finding your family life hard at the moment. All long-term relationships go through highs and lows and I am sure your parents are no exception.

Have you let them know of your concerns?

I hope that they can reassure you and explain why there may have been some changes recently.

Imagination sometimes runs away with us and not knowing (and creating a worrying scenario in your head) can be worse than speaking to your parents openly.

Finding someone you can trust and talk to would be helpful. Is there a friend or teacher you can confide in?

If you feel the situation at home is affecting other aspects of your life, such as your school work, you can ask to see a counsellor. Your school or doctor will be able to arrange this.