Modern Dilemmas: Being happy in yourself will help your children cope

Separation is twice as hard when children are involved, hard for them and hard for you. The little things that were once taken for granted now appear as aching gaps in your life, not to mention the guilt you feel. No matter how difficult it all seems to be, there is something you can do which can improve your circumstances.

First, let me say that most children are resilient and although they soak up bad atmospheres, their natural inclination and gift is to make the most cold encounters seem lighter. Now you have taken yourself out of a bad relationship, you have saved your children from seeing and feeling a lot of anxiety, so don't feel all bad.

What's important for them is to see you happy, really happy, and not just putting on a brave face because they will know the difference. It's also important that they see you rebuild your life. This is teaching them a huge life lesson and showing them first hand what values and priniciples it takes to make a success out of your life no matter what.

Throw your energy into being proactive, focusing on making things work, improving things wherever you can. Eventually, a shift will happen

but only when you shift first. Your mindset has to be positive and optimistic so that this change is not only as painless as possible but is more of a transformation than a loss. When you have created a better position for yourself, perhaps you can negotiate more time with your children? Plan ahead, way ahead. Book them for certain holidays and weekends and plan activities so you can all look forward together. You could use a webcam to talk to them daily if possible, just a simple goodnight five minutes can make all the difference, even allow Mum to sit in at first if she wishes as a sign of goodwill. Start trusting yourself so you can feel secure in who you are and where you're heading – make big plans and set goals.

Finally, building solid relationships with your children is the most important goal, with the most room for error. That's why it's imperative that you don't use them, consciously or not, as weapons in your separation. Your duty as a parent is to teach them how to be happy, healthy and ready for the next stage in their lives which is why you should first master your next stage.

Alexandra Watson Leading Happiness Coach, best-selling author and Co-Founder of National Happiness Day helps celebrities, Olympic athletes and business professionals with dilemmas and personal issues. www.AlexandraWatson.com