Modern Dilemmas: She insists she's fat

Dear Alex – I have an 11 year-old daughter, who is usually bright and funny but recently she has started to take much more notice of how she looks. What worries me is that she insists she's fat. Of course, she is far from it, and I am worried this might lead to more complex problems in the future like eating disorders. What can I do now to get her back to her normal self?

It's not the first time I have heard about a young girl calling herself fat and, sadly, it won't be the last. Perhaps it is a reflection of our celebrity culture or simply that she has an early start on how many women view themselves today. Whatever the cause, it should be addressed immediately and nipped in the bud pronto.

An issue like this usually stems from a child needing something; drawing attention to herself this way is not from vanity but an insecurity of some kind. But before we look into how you can help, simply ask yourself these questions first.

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Does she know for sure you love her? If yes, how does she know that? Do you talk with her often, just the two of you? If yes, is it fun, easy- going and full of laughter? Does she ever hear you talk badly about your own appearance or that of others? I ask these questions not to look to you for any kind of blame, it is simply for you to be aware of your influence.

Initially, start talking to her (not at her) – nagging her or putting any pressure on her will make matters worse. Listen very carefully to how she responds, without questioning her. Keep the communication open, frequent and free from any distractions. Give her your undivided attention. This will help her relax and open up.

In a few weeks, gently mention that you are here for her, start talking a little about how you felt when you were a young girl, laugh with her and chat about clothes, boys, friends and make-up. Be a friend but always a mother by letting her know you care about her no matter what. She is going through many adjustments as she tries to discover who she is. We can only imagine the pressures young girls feel today but we can help them build a strong foundation and sense of self.

Alexandra Watson is a leading happiness coach and, best-selling author. www.Alex andraWat son.com