My View: Married bliss and the fine art of man management

"How does anyone stay married at all?" asks Stephanie Calman, writer and founder of the Badmothersclub.co.uk, a website that aims to make less-than-saintly mums feel better about themselves (less Mumsnet, more Slumsnet).

The marriage question forms the basis of her latest book, How (Not) to Murder Your Husband (published as a Pan Paperback Original at 7.99 on May 14), in which she charts her relationship with Perfect Peter, her spouse.

From courtship squabbles through to disagreements over whether or not the children need pets, she swaps "impossible husband" stories with girlfriends, seeking confirmation that Perfect Peter is not perfect at all, but discovering that the seemingly lovely men her pals married are just as bad. Actually, some are worse.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

"Living intimately with another individual over a prolonged period leads to stress – and is, if you have children, frequently impossible," she declares.

Like many before her, Calman has found that control is a major problem-causer, often manifesting itself in domestic issues. Rather than love or sex, it's housework that's the battlefield.

On the surface, it might seem petty. A friend of mine, Cath, wife of 15 years and mother-of-two, complains: "He'll tidy the kitchen, load the dishwasher, and then say he's cleaned the kitchen, but he never wipes down the work surfaces. Wiping down work surfaces is an integral part of cleaning the kitchen."

Perhaps Cath should ease off? Calman says: "'I would do more,' is the plea of several men I've met, 'if only my wife would just back off and let me!'"

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

It's true – many women have double standards when it comes to housework and childcare – "the 'one rule for me, another for you' scenario", as Calman calls it.

Another friend of mine, Claire, mum-of-four and full-time working woman, went away recently for a girly weekend to a health spa, leaving her other half in charge, with a huge list of things to do, from mowing the lawn to vacuuming the house from top to bottom.

"I came home to a sparkling house and a tidy garden, but also to an exhausted husband and four grumpy, bored children who had had no-one to entertain them all weekend because daddy was busy. I felt so guilty. I wish I'd just let them play and chill."

Maybe we should all chill? Perhaps we all expect too much of each other, especially now most women work outside the home? As Calman points out, some women are married to men who never, in the words of Alesha Dixon, wash up, clean up or brush up. Nor can they be trusted to care for their own children.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

But before we decide to ease up entirely on husbands, Calman has these wise words to bear in mind: "The really good men often coincidentally turn out to be the ones whose wives are really clear about what they want."

She's got a point. Now, where's that list gone?