Sarah Coles: How Dad’s planning saved us a load of guesswork and guilt

So we made it through a week of persistent rain to get freezing temperatures, and just as I made it through a fortnight of teenage self-isolation and home-school hell, I had a call that my dad was back in hospital.

Don’t worry, this isn’t a Covid-related tale of woe; it’s just one of the more testing chapters in a generally very heartwarming story. To cut a long story short, dad had a massive stroke two- and-a-half -years ago, which means he’s immobile and has vascular dementia.

When he was originally moved from the not-very-reassuring-sounding red ward in hospital, he was placed on a ward which we were told nobody has ever left except to go into residential care. My dad isn’t an institution sort of person, so in the weeks he was in hospital he deteriorated rapidly, and we knew he would do the same in residential care: he needed to go home.

Fortunately (here is the uplifting and positive bit), he had planned for this eventuality. When he was well, he’d put exactly the right things in place to ensure that we could defy all expectations and look after him in the way he wanted.

The first thing he did, in his early 50s, was set up lasting powers of attorney – one for his health and one for his financial matters. This is a document that means if you lose the ability to make decisions for yourself, someone (or a few people) you trust, can make those decisions for you. You need to complete it with a solicitor, and it does come at a cost, but it’s worth its weight in gold.

If you don’t have one of these in place, I would urge you draw one up. It’s the best possible thing you can do for your loved ones.

It meant that as soon as the hospital certified that he had lost ‘mental capacity’, we were able to swing into action. His house wasn’t set up for medical care, so before he was allowed home, we had to turn his bathroom into a wet-room. We also needed to sort disabled access. Having power of attorney meant we could use his savings to make those changes quickly.

That brings me to the next vital thing he did: he saved. My dad has always refused to waste money, because he was putting it away for the future. It drove me mad as a child in the 1980s when we weren’t allowed a colour TV, but I can appreciate it now. It meant he had an emergency savings safety net in an easy access savings account. The rough rule of thumb is to have one to three years’ worth of expenses as an emergency fund in retirement, which you can use if your circumstances change. Having this cash meant we could adapt his house.

If you’re approaching retirement, don’t overlook the need for this fund, because it can make all the difference if life catches you by surprise.

He also kept detailed notes of where this money was – alongside notes on his pensions, insurances and who he pays bills too. This proved an absolute godsend.

This is generally referred to as a ‘register of assets’, which we should all have, and keep with our will, to help our loved ones when we pass away. It’s never too early to put this together though, because it makes life a little easier for everyone when things get tough.

The other key has been the fact that we talked to dad years ago about what he wanted when he got older. He was absolutely adamant that no matter what, he didn’t want either of his children to give up work to care for him. Because he lives alone, over two hours’ drive away, and needs 24-hour-care, this means an army of carers.

This is eye-wateringly expensive, and is even pricier than residential care, so we don’t forget for one second how fortunate we are that dad spent a lifetime saving. We’re also lucky he made it so clear this was how he wanted to spend his money.

These kinds of conversations aren’t easy, but if you can talk to your parents when they’re well, and find out what they want in terms of care, it takes the guilt and guesswork out of some incredibly difficult decisions.

Dad’s never going to be better, and faces regular medical challenges. This time he’s back in hospital with pneumonia at a terrible time to be sick. But he has hope. If he can get through this, he knows he has a good quality of life to go home to, and after lockdown, he’ll be sick of the sight of us all.

We know how lucky we are that dad planned for this, and if you’re able to make any of these plans, your family will be grateful for it too.