Darkness of postnatal depression that nearly destroyed new Yorkshire mother

There were days, she says, when she couldn't open the curtains. When she would count down the hours until her husband came home.

There was something undone, she believed, between her and her beautiful newborn daughter.

"I was failing at every hurdle," says Mrs Love, 36. "I just felt so alone, so completely worthless. It came to the point that I felt she would be better off without me.

"She was just a perfectly normal baby. For some reason, I thought there was something wrong with me and her.

"It breaks my heart now, when I think of what could have happened."

Mrs Love, a fitness instructor from Baildon, is brutally honest about her battle with postnatal depression after the birth of Willow, now aged five.

It very nearly destroyed her, she says, close to tears as she shares her story.

When we meet, at the Red Lion in Burley-in-Wharfedale, Mrs Love is surrounded by Ilkley mothers after one her classes, all juggling their own tiny babies.

This is a new wave of wellness, she says, with the pub opening early to accommodate their weekly chats.

What happened has brought her a new direction, says Mrs Love. And she doesn't want any mother to feel as isolated as she did in those first few months.

The dark depression stemmed, she believes, from a weight of expectation. That motherhood, while tiring, would somehow be magical and fulfilling.

The reality, she adds, was rather different.

"It was like being in a car accident," she said. "When she was finally born, I just laid there screaming for help."

Her labour had been traumatic, lasting 26 hours, before she suffered an extreme hemorrhage and lost consciousness.

She could barely move for 48 hours, and her husband Pete had been the one to care for both her and their newborn daughter.

"Nobody ever tells you the graphic details," she says. "I felt I'd lost my dignity, as a woman. I was just helpless."

But this was only to be the start of 18 months of personal torment. Unable to breastfeed, she blamed herself. Her baby didn't sleep, and she blamed herself.

At baby groups, all the other mums seemed to be coping. Why couldn't she?

"I felt as if everybody else knew what they were doing," says Mrs Love. "I didn't have anybody to talk to. I was really struggling."

New direction

Mrs Love, terrified that Willow would be taken away from her, had struggled to ask for help. Eventually she did turn to her GP, and was offered counselling and medication.

It would be another year and a half though, she says, before she started to feel herself again. It was exercise, and doing something for herself, that made the difference.

After the birth of her second baby Jasper, now aged two, Mrs Love switched careers, taking on the Sweaty Mama franchise for new mothers across North West Leeds and Bradford.

"There's a lot of misconceptions, when you have postnatal depression, that you don't love your baby," she says. "That couldn't be further from the truth. I loved my baby so much I was consumed with it, I felt I wasn't good enough for her.

"I want to share my story to help other mothers. And the more I've talked about it, the more I realised it isn't just me.

"You're only a new mum for a small part of your life," she adds. "It should be an enjoyable time. Nobody should have to feel like they're on their own, like I did."