Marathon runner opens up in new book about how cycling saved her mental health after injury meant she couldn’t run

Running rescued Rachel Cullen, but she needed a new solution when injury saw her demons return. Catherine Scott reports.
Rachel Cullen who has written a book about how cycling has helped her cope with mental health problems, Picture Bruce RollinsonRachel Cullen who has written a book about how cycling has helped her cope with mental health problems, Picture Bruce Rollinson
Rachel Cullen who has written a book about how cycling has helped her cope with mental health problems, Picture Bruce Rollinson

Two years ago, Rachel Cullen wrote a book about how marathon running saved her life after a long battle with mental illness.

But at the time she was promoting Running for My Life, no-one knew that an injury had stopped her from running – and that her demons had returned with a vengeance.

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“For eight years, running had been my Prozac, my therapy, my lifeline, my sanity and my solace,” says Rachel who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in her twenties.

Rachel Cullen who took up cycling when injury meant she couldn't run and her mental health problems returnedRachel Cullen who took up cycling when injury meant she couldn't run and her mental health problems returned
Rachel Cullen who took up cycling when injury meant she couldn't run and her mental health problems returned

“I had made myself ‘Rach the Runner’ constantly pushing myself harder and harder to do better and better and then when I couldn’t run anymore my world fell apart.

“I realised that running had become a stick to beat myself with but I really couldn’t see how I could live without it.”

She even considered going back onto the antidepressant Prozac, and tried to make an appointment with her GP. The fact she couldn’t see anyone immediately, she says, gave her time to think.

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“I was hurtling towards a mental health black hole,” recalls Rachel, from Holmfirth.

Rachel Cullen cycling up Holme Mos.  Picture Bruce RollinsonRachel Cullen cycling up Holme Mos.  Picture Bruce Rollinson
Rachel Cullen cycling up Holme Mos. Picture Bruce Rollinson

“It was a very difficult time. I relied on running for my mental well-being so when I couldn’t run anymore, it was very frightening. My personality type meant that I couldn’t have a healthy balance with it, it all became about getting a PB (personal best) when I was running a marathon and if I didn’t achieve that I would beat myself up.

“And so when I couldn’t run anymore I had lost my sense of validation. It made me realise that running had masked something much more fundamental that needed dealing with. I was using running to get away from these issues but not dealing with them.”At first Rachel wouldn’t admit that her body was broken and kept going out on training runs far too soon.

“I was in denial,” she admits. “But it got to the point where my body just wouldn’t do any more there was nowhere else for me to go. I was heartbroken.

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“But I really didn’t want to go back onto medication and I realised I was going to have to get my fix somewhere else.”

Rachel Cullen  pictured on Holme Moss.
 Picture Bruce RollinsonRachel Cullen  pictured on Holme Moss.
 Picture Bruce Rollinson
Rachel Cullen pictured on Holme Moss. Picture Bruce Rollinson

At the same time it was confirmed that Rachel also had body dysmorphic disorder – something she had suspected as she battled with an eating disorder.

“To have it confirmed and then to receive some positive therapy to deal with it was really hard but it was something that I had to do.

“Being outdoors meant everything to me so going to the gym just didn’t do it for me. I needed to find something that got me outside.”

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Cycling was the obvious choice, but not one that Rachel relished.

Rachel Cullen pictured on Holme Moss.
Picture Bruce RollinsonRachel Cullen pictured on Holme Moss.
Picture Bruce Rollinson
Rachel Cullen pictured on Holme Moss. Picture Bruce Rollinson

“I’d had some bad experiences on a bike and to be honest I was scared to death of it.”

But her need to do something physical outside outweighed her fear of cycling, so she dusted off her old mountain bike.

“When I started running I had never done it before, I couldn’t even run to the end of the street and then I ended up becoming a medal-winning marathon runner. I had been here before and so I knew that I could do it again.”

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But rather than becoming a negative experience, like running had eventually become, cycling has been positive.

“I hated it at first and found it incredibly hard. Even though I am fit, cycling is an entirely different fitness to running.

“The first ride I did was the five miles to my mum’s house and there was so many potential hazards. I felt such a sense of achievement when I made it. It was a relief to know I was a beginner again, it helped me realise that it doesn’t matter what time you do. It liberated me.”

Rachel's  a book about how cycling has helped her cope with mental health problems is out tomorrow   Picture Bruce RollinsonRachel's  a book about how cycling has helped her cope with mental health problems is out tomorrow   Picture Bruce Rollinson
Rachel's a book about how cycling has helped her cope with mental health problems is out tomorrow Picture Bruce Rollinson

She has come along way since that first ride in Yorkshire, including cycling in Vietnam and Costa Rica – Rachel is never one to take the easy route.

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“I had been due to the a marathon in Tanzania in autumn 2017 but had to pull out due to injury. Even though it was cancelled in the end, I was so disappointed that I needed something in the diary to challenge me and focus my mind.”

And so with little experience she decided to join a group cycling across Costa Rica.

“I must have been mad,” she laughs. “There were all these people with all their gear and talking about all the paces they have cycled. I just had my cycling helmet and very little experience and suddenly I was cycling 50 miles a day in very challenging conditions.”

But because she finds cycling hard, she says she can now do it for the love of it rather than as punishment.

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“There is always something to think about with cycling, where with running you just put your trainers on and off you go.

“It helps me mentally as I have to slow down and think about what I am doing, even now.”

She has now written a second book this time about her mental and physical journey since injury.

A Midlife Cyclist: My two-wheel journey to heal a broken mind and find joy is published by Bonnier and out tomorrow.

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She has started running again, but says not in the same way as before.

“Cycling never replaced running for me, but it gave me the same feelings of self-esteem and confidence but in a healthy way.”

Rachel Cullen’s second book, A Midlife Cyclist: My two-wheel journey to heal a broken mind and find joy, written under the name Rachel Ann Cullen, is published tomorrow by Bonnier Books.

It is the second heartfelt story of Rachel’s journey with mental health.

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After being diagnosed as bipolar, the mum from Holmfirth found mental strength and healing through running, becoming a medal-winning marathon runner.

Her depression alleviated and she came off Prozac.

But when injury stopped, the only thing helping to quiet the voices in her brain, Rachel started to spiral and her demons returned.

She knew she had to find a different way to kick her mental health demons. Not being able to run meant she had to tackle her body dysmorphia through therapy and she got her adrenalin fix though taking up cycling.

She started cycling the Yorkshire roads five miles to her mum’s house but has pushed herself further afield with challenges in Costa Rica and Vietnam.

She is mum to Tilly, eight, and wife to Gav.

rachelcullenwrites.co.uk

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