How to talk to children about death

The daily announcement that yet again hundreds of loved ones have died from Covid-19 continues to shock us – as it should. But for young children, most of whom are stuck at home without the distraction of school and socialising with friends, talk of death can be extremely disturbing and overwhelming.

As the number of victims continues to rise – and with age identified as one of the key risk factors – those lost may include grandparents, elderly neighbours, or relatives of their friends. And increasingly, as the virus takes hold, children are mourning parents, uncles and aunts. And for those whose parents and loved ones are key workers in, for example, the NHS, supermarkets or transport, there may be special worries that their relatives are particularly vulnerable.

If a relative or friend does succumb to the virus, here is some advice as to how best to discuss it with your child, who may be feeling bewildered as well as extremely sad. The challenge is to be honest and truthful while making your dialogue age-appropriate and reassuring.

n Don’t shy away from difficult information: Talking about illness and bereavement are incredibly challenging conversations to have. It can be tempting to try and shield children from difficult information, but they are likely to overhear conversations and pick up on adults’ emotions. This makes it highly likely they will become frightened and confused about the unknown. Where possible be honest with children in an age-appropriate way.

n Tell them if a relative is unwell: Talk to them about what is happening and tell them if someone they know is unwell. Answer their questions as best you can. Talk about how you are feeling, if you are able to. Don’t be shocked or worried if your child doesn’t seem to engage with the conversation. Follow their lead, give them time to process the news and be ready to talk to them when they approach you.

n Use direct language: Talk to your child in simple, direct language to explain when someone dies. Avoid comparing dying with falling to sleep. This can make children incredibly anxious about going to sleep themselves. Also avoid euphemisms like ‘we have lost…’. This can be confusing for children. You may want to read a picture book about bereavement together. Stories are excellent for sharing difficult concepts with children in an accessible way. They give people the language to discuss this type of event. You may find a child will request a book about bereavement rather than directly ask to discuss it. Books can seem much less threatening than having a deep and meaningful conversation.

n Anger is OK as well as sadness: Acknowledge all feelings after a bereavement. This includes, but is not limited to, sadness, loss, anger, worry, relief, guilt, happiness, numbness. Feeling any of these emotions is normal; none of them makes someone a bad person. Most people experience a mixture.

n Accept their feelings of anger: While it can feel frustrating when your child loses the plot over their brick tower falling down, remember that they are processing a lot of complicated emotions. It is much easier to express anger and upset over something specific and tangible than to explain feelings around something as big and sometimes abstract as the death of a loved one. If they are seeking much more attention than usual it may feel smothering, especially while our support networks are so different from usual. Arrange video calls with friends and family and don’t feel guilty about extra cuddles on the sofa. Try to engage your support network as best you can remotely and be kind to yourself.

n Remember your loved one: Share memories of the person who has died. This is especially important at the moment when only a small number of family members are permitted to attend wakes and funerals. You may want to plan a memorial service for when restrictions have been lifted. This is an opportunity for separated families to work together and may provide a useful thing to focus on.

For more help and information about helping children through bereavement visit Winston’s Wish (www.winstonswish.org/coronavirus) or Child Bereavement UK (www.childbereavementuk.org) to access more support for children and families.

Catherine Lynch is a former primary school teacher and now a member of the senior team at lesson plan and education resources experts PlanBee (www.planbee.com)