Jesse Toksvig-Stewart: Growing up with two mums

Jesse Toksvig-Stewart didn't grow up in a conventional family. The former York student tells Catherine Scott what it was like growing up with two mums.

Growing up with two mums isn’t so unusual these days, but when Jesse Toksvig-Stewart was born in the eighties it was far less common.

Jesse’s mothers are television presenter Sandi Toksvig and Peta Stewart, who split up 17 year ago.

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“Same sex parents were far less common in the eighties,” says 27-year-old Jesse, who grew up with sister Megan and brother Theo.

“My baby book was full of crossings out and black lines as so much of it was irrelevent to us. But now there are far more two mother and two father families and adoptive families.” So Jesse was shocked to find when she tried to buy a baby record book for her adoptive baby sister who is now three, that things hadn’t moved on. Peta, now a single mum, adopted the baby three years ago.

“Because she is adopted she doesn’t have the same landmarks as other more conventional families,” says the author and photographer who studied television and film production at York St John University.

“I wanted a book where my mother could chose the events that were important. There are books available from America but then you have to spend a fortune on postage.”

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So with artist friend and fellow York alumni Kat Willott, Jesse set about making a book for her new sister. Then word got out around adoption support groups Peta was involved with and demand grew.

“What is really good is that Kat and I brought up in diffferent circumstances - her’s was conventional and mine unconventional which meant we could both bring something to the book.

“We suddenly realised we were missing a trick. If demand was do high among our immediate circle of friends there must be other people that might like it.

And they were right.

My Amazing Family and Me has proved a roaring success among what Jesse describes as unconventional families, but also more conventional ones.

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“The whole point is that anyone can use the book. You just get to choose what is important to you and your family without someone else dictating it to you.

“If you start having to cross things out like ‘Father’s name’ it starts to make you feel a bit illegitimate.”

Jesse’s father actually lived round the corner from Sandi and Peta and their brood, but was more like an uncle to their children.

“We always talked about things and so I knew who my father was and that I had half brothers and sisters. What was important was that I knew what was what,” says Jesse.

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“We had two mums and I suppose the people my parents surrounded themselves with were liberal, but I never came across any problems although my younger sister did get bullied a bit at secondary school and there was one girl who said I was going to go prison because it was illegal. People did sometimes say you can’t have two mums, where’s your dad. We’d just say ‘Reigate’ and that was usually the end of that. We all had very happy childhoods and were very secure in the love our parents had for us which made us all very confident individuals. At the end of the day all children really want is love. I really liked having two mums.”

Jesse was ten when her parents split, but she says Peta and Sandi always put their children first.

“I really can’t remember it happening. Of course we were sad but there was never any anymosity and we would still see both our mums all the time.”

Jesse and her siblings stayed in Guildford with Peta, but spent every weekend with Sandi: even now, says Jesse, she rarely goes more than a fortnight without seeing Sandi. At the moment she is away filming Fifteen to One before taking up her new role as presenter of the BBC television quiz show QI, but they talk on the phone all the time.

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“She is so excited about doing QI and we are all going up to watch her filming,” says Jesse. “When we were growing up for was doing Call My Bluff which of course we didn’t watch and so it was just mum’s job to us. We never really thought about the fact she worked in television.”

Sandi is now married to Debbie Toksvig, but she and Peta remain good friends.

Jesse is very involved in the upbringing of her Peta’s adopted daughter as they all share a house along with Jesse’s boyfriend, Adam.

“Adam is great with her and I love looking after her.” The day we speak the little girl is poorly and Jesse is looking after her.

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“It is also quite interesting that me and my siblings have turned out straight, considering so many members of our family are gay and we have grown up surrounded by lesbians. It is only now that we feel the odd ones out which we never did growing up.”
A self confessed home bird it was her mothers’ idea that she go to York to study.

“They wanted me to go somewhere far away as I would have ended up staying and home. I wanted to do photography but they wanted me to do something new. I did work in TV a bit after college but I was drawn back to photography.” She specialises in wedding photography.

Both Sandi and Peta attended her graduation from York together.

Jesse is back atYork St John today to host a guest lecture about the business she co-founded Kat Willott to produce My Amazing Family and Me, called Ugly Duck Books.

“I am also coming back for a college reunion which I can’t wait for.”

My Amazing family and Me in available for £15.99 from from www.uglyduckbooks.co.uk

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