Tribute to the highs, lows and laughs of life as a mum

No-one prepares you for how hard motherhood is. Or how funny and rewarding it can be. That’s the bittersweet truth fired at mothers and their (sometimes) demonic offspring in the run-up to Mother’s Day by author and mother-of-two Judith Holder, who wants mums and kids to see the lighter side of motherhood as they struggle with the tough parts.

Judith speaks from long experience about the mixed bag that is motherhood, as her two daughters are now grown-up and have flown the nest. She misses them desperately, but has put her maternal angst to good use by writing about what she calls “the dark art of motherhood” in her new book Mum In A Million.

A naturally down-to-earth, funny lady, Judith Holder has put both her mothering wisdom and her impressive career experience in comedy to good use in the book, which is billed as a “tribute to motherhood”.

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However, the woman who has produced TV shows for the nation’s top comics including Billy Connolly and Victoria Wood, and co-wrote the stage hit Grumpy Old Women, was never going to write a soft-focused, flowery homage to mothers – this book tells it as it is.

“Motherhood’s the hardest job in the world, but of course it’s the most wonderful job as well,” she stresses. “It’s bittersweet. I wanted to write something for Mother’s Day which wasn’t too soppy and made mothers and kids laugh – it seems to me that all the stuff around Mother’s Day is sugary-sweet and not that realistic.”

Holder doesn’t preach about the joys of being a mum, but instead recounts the truisms of motherhood that both mums and kids will relate to – like The Things Mothers Say.

No mother will read this eclectic mix of one-liners without hearing her own, often exasperated voice saying, “That’s neither funny nor clever”, “Just in case”, “Don’t make me count to ten”, “I could murder a nice cup of tea”, and “Do you need the loo before we go?”.

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And then there’s the Things Mothers Don’t Say, like: “Have it your way”, “Why not have a party while Dad and I are away?”, and, “Don’t worry about cleaning up your mess”.

She covers the minutiae of motherhood, from sibling rivalry, school, parents’ evenings and holidays, to friends, pets, and the lies mothers tell, like: “We’ll see.”

She explains: “This is code for: ‘Not a chance in hell but I will deal with the fallout in stages or when I’ve poured myself a great big glass of wine.’”

There is, of course, plenty on embarrassing mums – and particularly on their “indescribable” dancing. Holder insists that mums who aren’t embarrassing aren’t real mums at all, as apparently “it’s part of the job description”.

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After all, she says: “The whole point about motherhood is that it takes over your life.

“If it doesn’t, you can’t call yourself a proper, fully-fledged, card-carrying mother.”

She describes how mothers, especially at the school gates, have a determined children’s welfare agenda – not always hidden – that includes finding out what the other kids are reading, how they’re doing at music, etc.

“You can’t help yourself,” she admits, “because you want them to do well and be happy.

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“But you also want them to do better than the other kids – lets face it, if you could rig it so they were Mary in the school nativity play, or form captain, you would, wouldn’t you?”

Holder, whose daughters are now 20 and 23, says that like all mums, she’d do anything for her kids, “although I’d draw the line at bungee jumping”.

She says her daughters know she’d “take the bullets for them”, and that’s part of the joy of it all – and why she misses her own mum so much.

Her mum, Jean, died four years ago, and Holder says it’s a great shame she didn’t live to read the book, because it would have made her laugh and be “a little bit cross with me too”.

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She says: “When something goes really badly and you’ve had a terrible day, you want to call your mum. That love is just astonishing, and that’s what I miss so much about my mum.

“I don’t think you get it until you’ve had kids yourself.”

As well as Holder’s personal insights into the highs, lows and funny parts of motherhood, the book also contains testimonies from mothers and children of all ages, such as the priceless story written by one little boy about how he wanted a horse.

However, he spelled it “hores”, which gives his innocent note a whole new, unintentional, meaning.

Those accidentally funny things that kids say and do are just one of the many joys of being a mum, says Holder.

“But here’s the miracle: Despite all the work involved, for most of us being a mother is the single best thing in life.”

Mum In A Million by Judith Holder is published by Orion, £9.99.