Yoga helps father find inner strength to battle depression

After moving to Leeds from London last year with his young family, Pe Woolley, 31, was diagnosed with severe depression. He found yoga helps his mental health issues.
Pic to go with depression feature..Father with his baby Son, Leeds..5th June 2017 ..Picture by Simon HulmePic to go with depression feature..Father with his baby Son, Leeds..5th June 2017 ..Picture by Simon Hulme
Pic to go with depression feature..Father with his baby Son, Leeds..5th June 2017 ..Picture by Simon Hulme

I’ve always been anxious. I would worry about anything, then I’d worry about whether I should be worrying at all, or that my worrying wasn’t the appropriate level of worrying. I was a meta-worrier, and doctors can’t always disguise their despair at this kind of patient.

In appointments, questions would roll out with impassive recital: How’s your diet? Are you doing much exercise? Have you considered CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)?

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However I answered, they would provide alternative responses – “Improve it’”, “Do more”, “I’ll write out a referral” – after which, I would stay on a waiting list, interminably, for a therapist never to become available.

In February 2017, something changed. This time, after seeing a GP at a walk-in clinic, I left the surgery with a prescription and a doctor’s note signing me off work with stress and depression. I was shivering in this new reality.

There had been recent upheaval in my life and my mental health was crumbling under the weight of it. In August last year, my wife and I had a baby and decided that Yorkshire – being closer to her parents – would be a more benevolent environment in which to come to terms with becoming parents than our quickly shrinking flat in Hackney. One thing that didn’t change was that I kept my job. The company I worked for was supportive. I could work from home, and come to the office once a fortnight.

Life had felt so simple then, straightforward enough to be able to rationalise decisions. But within months, my personality felt shredded into mismatched pieces. One side of me could see something was wrong, but the controlling side was numb and paralysed to do anything about it. I was desperate to feel better, but listless to help myself.

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My doctor recommended Leeds IAPT (Improving Access to Physical Therapies). It provides psychological treatments for people suffering with their mental health. They ask you to self-refer: A process involving a questionnaire that investigates your level of depression. I was graded as severe. This was a reality I didn’t recognise. I was aware of what was happening, but I couldn’t feel it. The mental health charity, Mind, offers great advice on mental health, and its self-care page introduced ideas of things I felt I could do to escape my frame of mind: I could volunteer, be active, join a group.

Some of the other suggestions didn’t resonate. At the time I felt no desire to be kind to myself, I was struggling to eat, sleep, wash and keep in touch with people. To concentrate on all this – and set “realistic goals” to do all these things – felt aggressively patronising. I couldn’t believe I was at a stage in my life where I needed to set a goal to have a shower.

I decided to try yoga because I knew that it could offer mental, as well as physical, benefits. I don’t think I believed that it would help me – I felt that useless – but I decided to humour something that has been culturally accepted to help. And anyway, it would also prove to my family that I was trying to get better. By booking onto a class, I was obliged to attend, regardless of how I felt. It would also cue other goals: If I knew I could collapse, I’d eat; if I got sweaty, I’d shower; if I got tired, I would have to sleep. Suddenly, realistic goals seemed achievable.

Yoga Kula is a yoga studio in Chapel Allerton. I saw a leaflet in a local cafe and decided to visit. The team there are all incredibly welcoming and sensitive. Something reassuring about yoga is that a lot of people turn to it as some kind of aid or crutch to get through a difficult time. They’d seen it all before; some of them had felt it all before. Yoga has helped them – and they look forward to seeing your progress as it helps you. I immediately felt comfortable and supported.

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Because I was struggling to eat, I booked on some of the more gentle courses: Somatic Approach to Yoga, Yin Yoga, and Restorative Yoga. These restful classes allowed me to relax into long-held poses that didn’t necessarily need strength or flexibility to do. Holding poses for longer than other types of yoga meant I could patiently learn modifications that would be more suitable for my body. I was being attentive and sympathetic towards myself.

Yoga is a considerate study of the self, and it offers a choice: if you can’t do something, are you going to struggle to achieve that (and inevitably fail), or are you going to recalibrate your intention and aim for a modification that your body can work towards? The second option is the one teachers nudge you towards, but they will let you make your own mind up. I didn’t feel it was a choice. I wanted the easier option – I wanted to feel better in myself. Taking this option allowed my self-criticism and hatred gradually to ease. I could focus on poses that distracted me from my mind.

I am still taking antidepressants. I see a counsellor regularly, but even more regularly I take a yoga class and practise at home. I can’t work out which of these has helped the most, but I know that yoga has allowed me to be forgiving of myself. Observing your thoughts and feelings without allowing them to overpower you, practising yoga has complemented my counselling sessions because it offers a safe space to explore my body and mind.

This space has led me to the conclusion that I don’t think I will recover from depression. That is not because it’s unrecoverable, but instead because there might not actually be anything to recover from.

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Things are improving, but society still treats mental health issues with suspicion. The more open we can be about our thoughts and feelings – with ourselves, as well as with each other – the more sympathetic we will be. We would realise that everyone is fluctuating somewhere on the scale of mental health, that some days will be different from others, and that there are safe spaces out there to help minimise the swing.

Pe Woolley is now a freelance writer and mental health volunteer based in North Leeds and no longer commuting to London.

For men under 35, suicide following depression is now the leading cause of death

Mixed anxiety and depression is the most common mental disorder in Britain, with 7.8 per cent of people meeting criteria for diagnosis.

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Between four to 10 per cent of people in England will experience depression in their lifetime

Mixed anxiety and depression has been estimated to cause one fifth of days lost from work in Britain.

One adult in six had a common mental disorder.

Men’s Health Awarerness Week runs from June 12 to 18. For more information visit www.menshealthforum.org.uk

For help woth mental helath issues visit www.mind.org.uk