Bridging the generation gap that can bring hatred home

All stages of parenting have their ups and downs, but trying to handle a wayward teenager can be one of the toughest battles.

Most of us probably look back at some of our own teenage antics and wince at the memories. For many people, comedian Harry Enfield’s sulky teenagers Kevin and Perry, who “hate” their parents and constantly complain that life’s “not fair”, is a portrait that’s all too familiar.

But there is a serious side to all this. Research by relationship support organisation Relate shows that 15 per cent of parents feel their teenagers’ behaviour is sometimes or often “out of control”, while around one in 10 aren’t confident about dealing with their teenage children in difficult situations.

“Lots of teens test parents’ boundaries, and when things get tough it can lead to real problems for families,” says Ruth Sutherland, Relate’s chief executive.

“Every teenager is different, but problems can include getting into trouble at school, misusing alcohol or drugs, depression or self-harm. It can be really hard to address these issues, but if a parent suspects all is not well then getting help early is crucial to try and prevent problems getting worse.”

As a result, Relate has now launched a free online service (www.relateforparents.org.uk) for parents who are worried about their teenage children.

“Healthy relationships are crucial to the wellbeing of both individuals, and society as a whole,” says Sutherland. “That’s why we want to help as many parents as possible understand their teenagers better, in order to build and maintain strong relationships, reducing strain on the whole family.”

The Relate poll also found that almost one in five parents weren’t confident they knew what was going on in their teenage children’s lives, while many felt they had “nowhere near enough” time to spend with them.

When asked what they thought was the biggest cause of problems for teenagers, a third blamed bad parenting and 20 per cent said it was because they fell in with the wrong group of friends. However, when asked the same questions about their own child, only two per cent blamed bad parenting and only a small percentage cited drugs and alcohol as the biggest problem.

Chris Sherwood, Relate’s director of policy and external affairs, points out that, as well as parents trying to remember what they felt like as teenagers, it’s important to be aware of the pressures of growing up today in a world of ever-changing technology.

While the internet brings opportunities, it also means new threats and concerns with issues like cyberbullying. “It’s important that parents try to understand their teenager’s worries, because those worries are going to be different from their own experience,” he says.

“Understand what’s going on in their lives, and remember that sometimes it’s not the teenager at fault – there are two parts to the relationship, the parent and the teen, and both can change their relationship by behaving differently.”

Sherwood points out that it’s critical for parents to make an effort to talk to their teenage children and plan quality time together. “It’s not just about teenagers not communicating with their parents, it’s also about how parents communicate with teenagers.”

The rise of social media has changed the way people communicate, with children often texting parents their wants and needs, rather than actually talking to them.

“In some ways we’re more connected, but one of the things we’re encouraging is for families to communicate face-to-face and not just rely on social media and text messages.”

It’s important that parents know there’s support available, where they can share their worries. “It can feel like a very lonely experience when you have a teenager and your relationship is difficult. But help and support is available both for the parent and the teenager.”

Family members can be a good source of support and advice, as can schools. Counsellors, too, can offer impartial support and help people to manage the situation – including keeping cool instead of just reacting to problems.

“It’s critical for families to seek support early, and not just wait until a problem becomes a crisis,” says Sherwood. “Your teenager’s behaviour might be frustrating, but they’re facing a lot of challenges and you’re still the adult in the relationship.

“Give them space when they need it, stay calm and remember that help is available.”