Dealing with those teenage years

When a child is small, we often use boundaries to protect them and keep them away from harm or danger. But it is important that you explain why boundaries are there – for instance, if you pull one of them away from an open fire explain why.

When parents give orders, children often dig in their heels. One way to stop this happening is to let them know why something is important.

Boundaries are about setting the bottom line or making agreements about what is acceptable and what is not.

Boundaries work far better if they are made and agreed by everyone. When children see the sense of it, or know you’ve taken their opinions into account, they are more motivated to co-operate.

As children grow, most will test the limits – this is quite normal behaviour. When they become teenagers you may need to change or amend these boundaries to reflect different or new behaviours and experiences.

When you do this, involve your child so that you can negotiate the new boundaries together.

Too many boundaries can cause resentment and be impossible to police. Work out what is really important to you and what you could let go.

Rules can help you keep your child safe, but as they get older you will need to negotiate and let them take more responsibility for their own safety.

There may be times when your values conflict with the values that your children are learning from other people and the media. This may be when you find yourself negotiating.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that while being an adult has all sorts of stresses and strains, being a teenager isn’t always that great either. First of all, they are at a difficult age when they’re no longer seen either as children or as adults. Secondly, their hormones are racing, they’re under pressure from friends and the latest trends won’t leave them alone. They may kick up a fuss about being old enough to look after themselves, but the truth is that teenagers don’t always make the right choices and they know this as well as you do. Setting out some ground rules makes it clear that they’re being looked after and despite the fuss that they make about being in charge of their own lives, the boundaries actually make them feel safe and secure.

Teenagers need to be listened to – sometimes they think you’re not giving them a chance to make their case. If you want teenagers to listen to then you should try to make the effort to listen as well .

http://familylives.org.uk/advice/got-a-teenager

What the young also need

AS well as needing boundaries teenagers need:

Love – Despite the cool and distant image they are still in need of care and attention. Don’t let them fool you.

Privacy – They constantly worry about their looks, their bodies, and the strange feelings and thoughts they are experiencing.

To be different – They need to show to the world that they’re growing up and are no longer an extension of you. This might mean being awkward or stroppy and doing things you probably wouldn’t like, such as getting a piercing or a tattoo.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

So what! That is normal. You can either get uptight about it and have lots of rows with your children which you cannot win or you can try a different strategy. Your children sound decent. Try to set some boundaries and reward the good behaviour rather than punishing the bad. If one of them helps you in some way provide some form of treat. If a behaviour really oversteps the mark then discuss this in a calm way explaining why it is not acceptable behaviour and what effect it has on others. You might be surprised.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

I am sure there are hundreds of parents out there who will identify with your statement. It often seems to be the case that one minute your children are sweetness and light and then almost overnight they turn into awkward, uncooperative and recalcitrant teenagers. To say that it is a phase they are going through sounds a bit of a cop out, but in essence that is what happens. What seems to happen between the years of 14 and 16 is that changes take place physiologically and hormonally. In a nutshell part of the brain deconstructs and then reconstructs. What this means is while the part of the brain that governs planning and organising thinking is undergoing these changes behaviour is affected. So youngsters of this age have mood swings, become irritable and have poor concentration, are impulsive, are unable to assess risks and the brain functions that govern reason and reasonableness are disabled. I can recommend a brilliant book to you. Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their Young – How to Survive Your Teenagers with Humour by Dr Peter Marshall and published by the British Psychological Society. You will find everything you need in that to survive.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

As a father of four, but thankfully now in their 20s and 30s, so what else is new? I have had all of these with my children between the ages of 12 and 20. My experience tells me that for some of these behaviours you can set some limits, like staying out late or being rude in front of your friends. But for some, it may be linked to their need to be independent and to establish their own identity (eg being argumentative). Arguing with parents or being lazy and reluctant to do anything around the house are ways of testing their beliefs or the limits of their relationship with you. Between about 12 and 18 is a period of searching for teenagers, for who they are or what they should be allowed to do or think.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

I guess most families with teenagers experience a certain amount of rebellion, which makes it a fairly normal part of growing up. However, parents often resort to punishments and sanctions which build resentment and can lead to breakdowns in relationships. The most useful strategy is improving communication and involving young people in family discussions around appropriate boundary setting. It is important to ensure that as parents you have the final say, but young people can be very thoughtful and more cooperative if you involve them. Sometimes external events can lead to difficult behaviour, particularly where everything has run smoothly before. If nothing at home has changed, agree as a family what the appropriate limits are; what time people should be home, what chores everyone should help with and what language is acceptable at home. Siblings can develop a sense of cooperation and bring pressure to bear on each other which is more acceptable to them than parental moaning. If someone breaks the new rules, sit down together and agree what the sanction should be.