Diary of love in shadow of death that helped a family face future

A story of “life, loss and enduring love” is told in a book by David Ward, who lost his wife, Zoe to cancer. He speaks to Grace Hammond.
Zoe Ward pictured on her wedding day with her family. Picture: Sara Appleyard LBIPPZoe Ward pictured on her wedding day with her family. Picture: Sara Appleyard LBIPP
Zoe Ward pictured on her wedding day with her family. Picture: Sara Appleyard LBIPP

Every time he sees a feather David Ward thinks it is his wife letting him know she is still around.

It has been two and a half years since Zoe’s death and the pain is only now starting to ease.

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Zoe and David had been together eight years when they got married in July 2009.

When they fell in love, David, from Hull, already had sons Daniel, now 20 and Andrew, 18, while Zoe was mum to Bethany, 18, Ben, 16, Jade, 13 and Ella, 11.

Zoe, who was training to be a nurse, fell ill on their honeymoon.

Shortly after they were given the terrible news that Zoe – a non-smoker – had lung cancer.

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After five bouts of chemotherapy and radiotherapy the tumour had shrunk to the size of a pea, sparking hopes of a reprieve.

But it was not to be and headaches Zoe had been having turned out to be brain tumours.

She was just 33 when she died in January 2011, but left an enduring legacy in a diary and letters written to the children with wise words of advice and “treasure boxes” full of momentoes – photos, school certificates and christening candles.

Outwardly positive, her diary – from the first cruel shock of diagnosis, through apparently successful treatment which was dashed when it turned out the cancer had spread to her brain – tells the true state of her mind in emotional and sometimes harrowing entries.

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In them she rates how she feels psychologically and physiologically every day, often ending with a little prayer like: “Dear God please leave with here me with my family for as long as you possibly can. Amen.”

Publishing them in a new book, Treasure Boxes, is the realisation of an ambition she held.

“Ever since she was a child she wanted to be a nurse. She thought this book would help other people understand what was going to happen to their bodies – and it helped me a little bit therapy-wise,” admits David, who typed up the diaries and added chapters about their life together, with help from journalist Grace McLean.

On his early morning jogs he jumps over the fence to the cemetery in Priory Road to talk to Zoe, who he thinks of very much in the present tense.

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“Sharron and Bryn (Zoe’s parents) kept finding feathers – I would be in the garden and they’d say ‘it’s like it’s from an angel, it will be from Zoe’.

“Wherever I went I noticed white feathers.

“After a year and a half they started disappearing and I went and said to Zoe: ‘You don’t seem to be around any more’ – then they started appearing – that’s quite spooky. I feel there is something still there, I don’t know what.

“She used to be really jealous, even though she wanted me to be happy – it puts me off finding someone.”

He adds with a smile: “I don’t want her to think I don’t love her, because I do.”

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The children are all growing up and it hasn’t been easy for David, a single dad with a demanding job, and even more demanding homelife.

His normal days start at 5.30am when he prepares packed lunches.

Breakfast and school runs follow with Sharron’s help, as he goes off to work as a technical manager for a kitchen firm. He returns at 5pm to cook for whoever is in – usually ending up doing the dishes too.

Then it’s the taxi routine to Guides, Brownies and dance classes – and maybe even squeezing in a bit of training in the gym.

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Zoe was always the “bad cop”, and David the “good cop” and finding a way to hand out punishments and make them stick is difficult because he was “always the soft one.”

Beth, who helps a lot round the house, “likes to be in charge like her mum”, Jade is “very loud and bubbly and probably looks most like her.”

He said: “It looks like you are coping but sometimes you are not. Somebody said to me it’s like being washed up on a shore and waves keep knocking you down, but then they get smaller, and you can stand up after the waves and carry on.

“Really it took over two years for me personally to feel a bit happier. How I feel now compared to how I felt then is a massive transformation.

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“Christmas is really bad, anniversaries are bad. This Tuesday we would have been together nine years – this time of year is always difficult for me.”

Zoe left advice to the children on paper covered with rainbows, flowers and hearts – to her youngest Ella: “I want you to try so hard Ella, you are a very determined girl and you keep going until you do it.”

She promised Jade, who she hoped might follow in her footsteps by becoming a nurse, she would always be there in spirit: “Most of all I’ll be there at low points, it’s alright to cry, this helps us to deal with our situations.”

And in her diary she left a message to other cancer sufferers saying she hoped the book would help them “and know that they are not alone.”

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Father’s Day is on Sunday and this year the family will be celebrating with a barbeque. Last year marked a turning point: “Zoe did say in a letter that you have to remember life is for living and it’s families that make the difference and it will all be worth it in the end.

“I couldn’t understand it because I felt so down, until last Father’s Day when the kids made a fuss of me. We went to the seaside and had fish and chips and a really nice day.

“It was the first time I’d experienced a warm fuzzy feeling since losing Zoe. I thought then – maybe she was right.”

David will be signing copies of Treasure Boxes, which is available on Kindle, at Waterstone’s, Hull, on Saturday, between 12pm and 4pm.

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All the proceeds are going to Dove House Hospice, and part of the proceeds from Kindle.

Zoe’s diary of hopes and fears

Thursday October 29 2009 – a typical diary entry from Zoe: “All I want is normality!

“I want to go to work, uni and juggle this with family life.

“If I could live it all again I swear I would never ever moan again.

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“My life now revolves around pain, anxiety, drugs and pure fear.”

Friday January 1, 2010: “Last year wasn’t the best of years, but it was also one of the best! STRANGE I KNOW!

“This was the year that both the best thing that had ever happened to me and the worse thing happened in the same year, only months apart!

“I married the man of my dreams, the man I love and adore, the man I wanted to spend my long life with.”

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