Expert Answers: Boomerang boy is driving me mad

“My son has completed a degree but rather than look for a good job, he is happy doing menial work and having a good time. He is always asking to use my car and says he intends to go travelling later this year. I suffer from high blood pressure and he is driving me to distraction.”

More than a quarter of graduates in the UK this year are expected to move back in with their parents after finishing university, it can be revealed.

This so-called boomerang generation will be among three million adults who have returned to the family home for various reasons.

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Up until now, adults who lived with their folks into their 20s and beyond were often thought of as failures.

But new research published by Mintel suggests that the stigma no longer applies, with 27 per cent of graduates planning to return to the family fold.

With increases in tuition fees on the cards from 2012, graduates are likely to feel economic pressures even more, which means the number returning to their parents’ homes could rise still further. Indeed, although the cost of further education here will only rise in line with inflation, those opting to study elsewhere in the UK could see hefty increases.

Statistics provided by Mintel show that 41 per cent of the three million UK adults living with their parents said they went back in order to save money.

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More than a third (or 34 per cent) admitted that they did so because they were between jobs or university terms.

Meanwhile, three in 10 returned because they couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage and one in 10 did so after a relationship break-up.

Mintel said 13 per cent lived with their parents because they liked home comforts, such as free dinners and getting their laundry done. Most of those moving back, 68 per cent, are aged between 20-23, with 28 per cent falling within the 24-35 age bracket. Perhaps surprisingly, 196,000, or four per cent, are 36 or over.

Ina Mitskavets, consumer and lifestyles analyst at Mintel, said that boomerang children did not return to the home just for financial reasons.

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“As more and more young people return to the nest, the stigma attached to doing so dissipates and it’s no longer a last resort, but an accepted part of life for many,” she said.

“Poor job prospects and the rising cost of living means that living independently is increasingly out of reach for the UK’s young adults.

“Living back at home with mum and dad offers today’s Boomerangs an opportunity to live more comfortably than they might otherwise have done while also saving money and clearing some debts, with over half (56 per cent) of the comeback kids saying they are financially better-off as a result.”

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

Worrying about our children, regardless of their age, is part of being a parent. For generations the prevailing wisdom has been the same: get a good degree and you’re set for life. However, much as you might like to, you can’t live your son’s life for him. Many students feel that after spending the previous three or four years studying hard they deserve a break, which can include travelling, casual work and enjoying themselves. While you might not be happy with his chosen path since leaving university, it is his decision. You said yourself that your son is happy and that alone is what most parents want for their children, to be happy. Support him in his decisions, the experiences he gains travelling etc will stand him in good stead for when and if, he decides to look for a good job. For many future employers, a willingness to work anywhere and gain some life experience shows that you have some initiative, which is always a positive.

Elaine Douglas

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A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

Assuming he’s 21 or thereabouts he is probably not alone in wanting to have a good time and not think about the future. It is a hard one because even with a degree these days it’s difficult for some young people to get a decent job that has prospects, but in some ways the longer he leaves it the harder it could become. The travel thing is what many young people want to do, and in a sense he is of the right age to do it before he settles down and cannot take the time off work. Having said this, I do feel that you need to talk to him. He is living at home – is he making a contribution to the household expenses? If not then he isn’t learning that he is no longer a child and being an adult means that you have responsibilities. You say that he uses your car – does he give you some money for petrol? If not then he should be doing so, otherwise he should use public transport. What about the travelling? Is he saving up for that, or will he expect a contribution from you? Your son may be doing all of these things and I could be doing him a disservice, but if he isn’t then you do need to discuss it with him.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

This is not an uncommon trait among my ex students, and primarily boys. Unless, they know precisely what they want to do and engage in further training (eg law, management, etc), a number will want to travel before they job-seek seriously. This will give them some time and space to think through their career options. This could be an avoidance activity as well, because they have no idea of what they want to do, and are scared of taking the leap into the world of work that the know nothing about. Others just want to experience life more, and take the time to work in lower-paid jobs to make the money to expand their horizons through travel. What you need to do, in a calm and non-judgmental way, is to find out if he just wants to travel and experience life a bit more, or whether he doesn’t know what to do and the travel is just an avoidance activity. If it is the latter, you or someone with experience may be able to help him, if the former, let him go with his need for a challenge and different life experiences.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

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I assume that if your son is asking to use your car on a regular basis he is also living with you. Did you negotiate the terms of his return home? Is he paying for bed and board? Are you also doing his washing and ironing? It sounds as if he has slipped easily back into the life he had before university and you need to take some of the responsibility for that. I suggest you sit down and discuss with him what his plans are in the longer term. Explain that you have plans too, one of which is that he leaves home and becomes independent. You can negotiate a time frame (I suggest something realistic such as a year). Jobs in the graduate market are becoming increasingly difficult to find and it may take him some time, however it sounds as if he is unclear at this point which direction to look and it may take him a while to work this out. In the meantime, he can make a contribution towards household bills and pay for any petrol he uses, which should help him to develop a more realistic attitude to his situation and demonstrate that you mean what you say. Given the chance, most of us will take the easiest option; you just need to make it a little more challenging.

COPING WITH LIFE AFTER STUDYING

In 2009, the Labour Government published a guide to help parents deal with children who have moved back home after graduating.

Do:

* Allow them time to relax but don’t let a few weeks turn into months.

* Provide emotional support – identify who you know that might be able to help.

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* Be aware of their mental health. If there are changes to sleeping or eating patterns, consult a doctor

Don’t:

* Nag – most young people want a job

* Take over – don’t phone companies on their behalf or be too supportive

You may need to exercise some tough love.

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