Expert Answers: Making the best of splitting up

It is a tricky time when the family changes its form but with some thought and planning, the effect on the children can be reduced. This might sound impossible, especially if you are in the middle of an emotional upheaval, but help is available.

Relate has carried out research into the factors connected with reducing stress for children at the time of divorce.

These tips might help you:

Children will be better able to cope if their parents can be seen to share the responsibility for their welfare. So, telling them together about when and what is going to happen, will show to them that you can still be Mum and Dad even though you are not together as a couple any more.

While you want to be open and honest with the children, try to keep in mind what they can cope with at their different ages. They do not need to know every single detail about what has gone wrong, nor should they be involved in any conflict between you and your partner. Try to keep as normal a routine as possible going.

When the routine has to change, introduce the changes as slowly as you can and talk them through with the children. Remind them that you will always be their parents even though you may not wish to be a couple any longer and reassure them, that it is not their fault that you have decided to divorce – this is between the two of you.

Do everything you can to help yourselves adjust to your new situation especially, if you are the parent with residence.

Reassure them that you have decided to separate from each other but not from them; you are still their parents. Do not put them in a position where they have to choose between you.

The way a child responds to the new situation will vary according to his or her age, gender and personality type, some ways of coping are obvious, others less so.

Here are a few signs to give you an idea.

Changes in the way they are at school – a teacher may let you know about these.

Older children seem to be coping well but may very well be concealing their true feelings as they want to protect their parents.

A child may change role and become a brother or sister to the parent.

Adolescents may rebel in a worrying way, which gives cause for concern.

Don’t forget that there is plenty of help to get you and the children through this difficult time.

* For more help and information visit www.relate.org.uk or call 0300 100 1234.

RELATE FOR PARENTS

Some Relate centres provide a service called Relate for Parents.

This is a special, one- hour, one-off information and advice-giving session for parents who may have already separated or who are about to.

Children do not attend but they are the main focus and their needs are central to the session. You will be given age-related information and advice about what and when to tell the children. Hand-outs are also provided which can help the children to express their feelings and ask questions.To find your nearer Relate branch visit the website below.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

AS painful as it may be to admit that your marriage is at an end, sometimes ending a marriage, whatever the circumstances, is the only way you can allow yourself to move forward toward a state of emotional health and growth. It is natural to question the decision, especially if you have been together for a long time and there are children involved, no matter what their age. From what you say, by growing apart, it seems that you have both come to the emotional end of the marriage at the same time. While this is regretful, it will in a way, be easier for you to remain on good terms. Children only benefit from parents who can still be a united front as parents but choose not to be married anymore. They will be spared the hurt of witnessing their parents fighting a long emotional battle which can only damage them. Although no longer living together, you can, as friends, continue to provide a loving stable environment which can only benefit your children.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

YOU and your husband have been together for a long time and it’s only natural that you should feel anxious about the future. However, since this is a mutual decision it could well be that your separation will not have the added difficulties and complications that happen when one or the other wants to end the relationship or when there is another party involved. That is not to say that it will be painless, because emotionally it will be a huge wrench for both of you, but if you are still able to communicate sensibly with each other it may be less traumatic. It will take some time for you both to settle into a new situation because there are lots of practical things that you have to sort out as well as dealing with the emotional side of it. For example, where are you both going to live? Do you need to sell the house? However, when you have done all of that you will be able to look to the future in a more positive way and start to build your lives independently of each other. From your children’s perspective I suspect that they will want you both to be happy and will need to know that you can manage this new chapter in your lives.

Cary Cooper

PROFESSOR of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

ONLY you and your husband will know if you have done the right thing. You say your children are now old enough to look after themselves, so it is not really about them. It sounds like this separation has been mutually and amicably agreed, and that you both will ensure that your relationship with the children will be a top priority. The issue for you seems to be whether you have made the right decision with regard to separating. Only you and your husband can decide whether this was the right decision or not. If you have doubts, then you should talk to him about it, and see how you both feel after a period apart from each other. Separations can be a means to reassess your relationship and where you want it to go in the future. Time away from each other may help to clarify the situation.

Dr Carol Burniston

CONSULTANT Clinical Child Psychologist

NO-ONE likes changes that are forced upon them and your children will be no exception. However if you can emphasise that their parents are both happy in the decision to separate and will do whatever is necessary to make the transition as smooth as possible for them, then I am sure it can work for everyone. Young people need to know what will happen to the fixed things in their lives such as who will do the school run, cook dinner, be around at Christmas and take them on holidays. They will want to know when they will see each of you, where everyone will be living and whether you will always be friends. You should try and put yourselves in your children’s positions before you speak to them, and I advise talking to them jointly so that you can support each other in the parental role and offer reassurances to them on things you may have not anticipated that they will ask. If your husband and you have ‘drifted apart’ rather than fallen out or met other people, it can look strange to young people that you would cause such upheaval to the family. So be clear why you have chosen to separate and that you both hope to be happier after it has taken place.