Expert Answers: My husband’s kerb-crawling shame

The material things in your marriage – the house, cars and lifestyle – are all very well but if you have no self-esteem left they are not going to mean very much.

His refusal to talk about his behaviour is the biggest problem here. It makes any kind of progress difficult.

So often, men who use prostitutes are more concerned with power than sex; they pay, the women provide – no demands, no questions.

Perhaps your husband has emotional problems and insecurities about his sexuality and it may be that he needs help and counselling.

Even though he won’t talk about it, I think you have to make him listen. He has to understand that he needs to talk about why he has behaved in this way.

Make him understand that the price of your marriage is his seeking counselling and help – from Relate or other marriage guidance services.

If not, remember his failure to face up to the problem is risking not only your happiness but your health too.

Relate counsellors provide a caring and supportive environment to help you find a way through any difficulties you may be facing.

Once you have made an appointment with your local Relate Centre you will be seen by a trained professional who will ask some questions about you and your partner, your relationship and what you hope to get out of your contact with Relate.

At this stage you will also talk about the best times for your sessions, and you will discuss the cost of counselling.

In some parts of the country relationship counselling is provided by individuals who are Relate trained and work from their own premises rather than a Relate Centre.

You can also receive relationship counselling via telephone by yourself or with your partner, even if you are dialling in from different locations. Telephone counselling can offer great flexibility.

Relate online counselling is another service that is offered. You – and your partner – can get help via emails which are delivered to a secure inbox. This support is popular with people who have difficulty talking about their problems and may find it easier to write about them, or who find it difficult to get to a Relate Centre for whatever reason.

Relate also offers sex therapy which can help with problems.

For more information or to find your nearest Relate Centre visit www.relate.org.uk

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

I AM sorry you’re feeling stuck in this situation. It’s really hard when you trust someone who’s made a commitment to you but then doesn’t stay faithful, especially when the man you thought you knew is someone entirely different. If you want to continue your marriage I would urge you to seek professional marriage guidance counselling. Perhaps your husband sees no moral issue in seeking prostitutes, whereas you do. This is a serious conflict of interests that will need to be resolved before you can trust him again. The key to resolving any conflict of interests is mediation, you both need help to see the problem in its entirety and reach a peaceful conclusion. If you feel you can’t resolve this issue after counselling then it might be time to consider leaving him.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

I AM not surprised that you are bewildered by it all. However, something like this cannot be brushed under the carpet and you do need to find out why he has felt the need to behave as he has. Don’t think that I am laying blame at your door, but I think that you need to talk about your relationship and why he has felt the need to behave in a way that could put his marriage and family at risk. I realise that he is reluctant to talk about it, but I feel that you have to be very firm on this one and tell him straight that you have considered divorce and what the implications of that will mean. All of you would suffer – you, your children and he himself. Try and do this when you are feeling strong and not as likely to get angry and upset. It is important for him to understand how you feel. When you do talk then I think that you need to be honest with each other – particularly about the physical side of your relationship. After 12 years of marriage does he feel that it has become routine? Has he done this because he craves excitement? This will be difficult for both of you because home truths aren’t always palatable., but if you are going to get over this, then it’s something that you will both have to work at.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

THE most important thing to do at this stage is to talk. If you are unable to talk to him, you need to assertively encourage him to go with you to Relate or some other counselling service to get some help. He needs to be able to explore, with a professional relationship counsellor, why he needed to go to a prostitute, and both of you need to consider the nature of your relationship going forward. Without honest communication between the two of you, I fear this situation, perhaps not in its present form, will recur again. You need to surface all your feelings about each other openly and honestly, about your relationship and the children, and plan a way forward from here. It is difficult to say what direction this will take, but that is up to both of you to get involved in an engaged, honest and meaningful dialogue.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

THERE are several issues here and you probably need to approach them in different ways. Your husband has to talk about what has happened, he owes you that and you need to make that very clear to him. Not only has he behaved illegally and betrayed you, but he has also put you at risk of infection and you would be advised to visit your doctor or sexual health clinic to have some checks made. Your husband has been unfaithful to you and this is a physical and an emotional betrayal. Only you know what your intimate life has been like within your marriage and it is important that you remember that you are not to blame for your husband’s behaviour. I would urge you to suggest that you and your husband see a psycho-sexual or Couples Counsellor. They will help you to consider your relationship and whether you wish it to continue. I advise taking time to consider your decision, rather than feeling under pressure to decide straight away. Sometimes the practicalities of separation and divorce often colour our views and actions, but the emotional quality of your relationship is fundamental.

THE OFFENCE OF SOLICITING

KERB crawling is the act of soliciting a person for the purpose of prostitution from a motor vehicle while on a street or in a public place. It is an offence under section 1 of the Sexual Offences Act 1985 (England & Wales) and Article 60 of the Sexual Offences (Northern Ireland) Order 2008. In England and Wales, section 71 of the Criminal Justice and Police Act 2001 makes kerb crawling an indictable offence where it is likely to cause annoyance to women or to other people in the neighbourhood or where it is persistent behaviour.

Persistent kerb crawlers can be penalised by a maximum fine of £1000 and, in England and Wales a court can disqualify kerb crawlers from driving as part of their sentence.