Expert Answers: Plight of grandparents left in limbo

Separation and divorce may be between two people, but it affects many more – not only children, but grandparents too.

Sometimes, the changes grandparents have to make are life-changing, and involve very difficult choices and decisions. Not only this, but grandparents almost always have little control over the process, and little recognition.

It has been estimated that 40 per cent of grandparents experience the announcement of their son or daughter’s separation and divorce as a complete shock.

In addition to dealing with their own feelings, a grandparent has to be a diplomat, a source of practical help, a patient listener, and have good judgment.

Grandparents face so many difficult questions when parents separate:

* Should I back my son or daughter, or should I try to remain neutral?

* How should I talk to my grandchild about what is happening at home?

* If there is a new relationship, how should I relate to “new” grandchildren?

* Should I allow my son or daughter to move back home with me?

There are, of course, many more questions. Each requires a lot of careful thought and time for reflection, and experience shows that it is best to have these discussions away from the immediate family, with a neutral person. There may be no easy answers, but there will be a best course for you.

Losing contact with grandchildren causes great heartbreak for grandparents. If you have little or no contact with your grandchildren, you are not alone – up to one million grandparents are in the same position. Under international law, it is a child’s right to maintain family relationships.

There are many potential steps you could go through to re-establish contact.

If all else fails, you could apply to the court for permission to request a court order for contact.

For advice on how to go about all this and for advice in general, contact The Grandparents’ Association helpline on 0845 434 9585.

You will find a section on its website (www.grandparents-association.org.uk) dedicated to those with no contact. The association offers support and advice on many issues including where contact has broken down.

Its welfare benefits service has enabled many grandparents to receive money due to them as well as other forms of support (holiday breaks, for example).

www.relate.org.uk/family-counselling/index.html

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

I CAN understand your distress, it must be very difficult for you. Your grandchildren will be missing you too. How far away has your daughter-in-law moved? If it is not too far then I am sure you could arrange something so that you would get to see them. It depends also on your relationship with your daughter-in-law.

If it is fairly good why don’t you ring her and discuss how you might help. She might be glad of a time away from her children every so often and that will be your opportunity.

I have to say it is a little peculiar of your son to move abroad, does he not want to see his children? Surely he will come home from time to time and that might be another opportunity for you to see them.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

THE fact that you looked after them for a couple of days a week suggests that you probably had a good relationship with their parents. If you can approach your daughter-in-law to talk to her about all of this, then that would be a good move. I would make a phone call and see if you can arrange to see her and the children. Would it be possible for you to get together one afternoon at the weekend? Start by saying that you are sorry that things are not working out between them and that you don’t want to cause any problems – but you would like to keep in contact with her and the children. If she has moved away then the arrangement you had is probably not feasible. However, if she is living on her own and doesn’t have the support network she used to have, she may welcome your involvement. You could suggest that you would be very happy to give her a break by looking after the children – say one weekend per month. Don’t push for the frequency of contact that you had before, at this stage, the important thing is to maintain some level of contact.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

You don’t have to make the situation between your son and your daughter-in-law worse if you stay out of the “whys and wherefores” of their relationship and just concentrate on seeing your grandchildren.

I would suggest, when the separation temperature decreases, that you contact your daughter-in-law and see if you can arrange to talk to her about your concerns about the grandchildren and how much you want to maintain contact.

You need to emphasise that you will not discuss anything to do with their marriage or separation but are very anxious to see the children not only for your sakes but also for the sake of the children. It probably is too early to do this because of the raw emotion experienced by all in these kinds of circumstance.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

This is a very sad situation for all concerned, but it is important that the needs of the children are considered as a priority. It is important to try to avoid taking sides. You do not say what the relationship with your daughter-in-law was like, but it must have been good enough for her to entrust the care of her children to you. I suggest you contact your daughter in law and tell her how much you miss the children and how you would love to come to some arrangement about seeing them. They are young, but it will be hard for them to adjust to having moved house, having a change of carer and not seeing very much of their father. I would explain that you feel it would help the children if they could maintain a bit of stability in continuing to see you. It is important that you recognise the changed situation and appreciate you will not be able to feature so much in the children’s lives; this will probably take some time. If the distance between you is now too great to make a journey, you could explore the use of the internet and possibly Skype which may allow you and the children to be able to communicate with each other.

CHANGE IN LAW UNDER REVIEW

Agreements allowing grandparents access to their grandchildren after parents split up are being proposed in a review of the law in England and Wales. The family justice review will suggest “parenting agreements” that “reinforce the importance of a relationship with grandparents”, although the review’s recommendations stop short of giving them any legal right of access. Report author David Norgrove said the law was “too blunt an instrument” and giving grandparents such rights could damage the children involved. A public consultation is under way.