Expert Answers: Should we cancel our wedding?

Facing a diagnosis of cancer is terrifying and as your fiancée has only just found out she is bound to be uncertain about her future.

I know you are concerned about saying the wrong thing but talking is important right now.

After all, she may be saying she wants to put off the wedding because she doesn’t want you to have to be responsible for her if she’s sick.

She may feel you are asking her to make decisions about a wedding while she’s worrying whether she will be fit enough to be there. So talking is vital because otherwise you won’t understand what the other is really thinking.

I’m sure you just want to show her how much you love her and want to be with her, no matter what, but this is a very difficult time for her.

She needs to talk through her options and I suggest you both contact Macmillan Cancer Care on 0808 808 0000.

The support of a specialist cancer adviser could really help.

Finally, you might think about having a very small, private ceremony now and then a bigger ceremony or blessing when she is better.

Macmillan Cancer Support provides a resource for carers of people diagnosed with cancer called Hello and how are you? It’s written for carers by people who have experience of caring for someone with cancer.

The resource contains practical tips and supportive advice.

Topics covered in Hello, and how are you?:

* Information and support

* Working with professionals

* Relationships

* Moods and emotions

* Practicalities

* Employment and work issues

* Ethical and legal issues

* Death, dying and bereavement

* Life after caring

* List of helpful organisations and other sources of support

To order a free copy, visit www.be.macmillan.org.uk.

Macmillan nurses offer the opportunity to talk through issues and concerns and are also there to give support when it’s needed.

Macmillan offers a huge range of practical, medical and financial support, including information and support centres, cancer support groups and local benefits advisers.

The charity also provides help in people’s homes including time off for carers or lifts to hospital appointments.

Contact Information: The website www.macmillan.org.uk will point you to local and national services.

If you need someone to talk to call 0808 808 0000.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

IT’S hard for everyone when there is a cancer diagnosis made. However, the diagnosis is by no means a death sentence and survival rates from breast cancer are very good, especially if it is in the early stages. My suggestion is that you give her time. She is probably so overwhelmed with everything that she is going through, she needs to let it all sink in. I think it’s important to ask your fiancée what she needs from you at this time. It may be a sympathetic ear. It may be a massage. It may be someone she can cry to when she’s feeling low or going with her to medical appointments. If she does want to postpone the wedding, accept her decision, reassure her that you will be there for her now and in the future and that there is no pressure to make wedding plans at the moment. Make sure you have somebody to support you as well, this is going to be a very tough time for all of you.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

I KNOW from personal and professional experience that being confronted with cancer is extremely frightening. Until you’ve had investigations into the extent of it all and/or surgery, you have no way of knowing the full extent of the problem you are facing. I can see why your fiancée wants to know the prognosis. Secondly, preparations for a wedding should be joyful and exciting. It’s such a big event with lots of planning and organising and you have to consider whether either of you would want to put yourselves in this position – with this unknown threat lurking in the background. Why don’t you postpone the wedding for now and tell your friends and family that you will choose another date when you know what you are facing? I appreciate that you want to go ahead with the wedding, but for your fiancée it may not be the right thing to do at the moment. When you are told that you have cancer it is such a huge shock to your system that everything else in your life is put on hold. I do feel that this is a time when you need to put all your energy and love into supporting her. The wedding can wait – don’t cloud the issue.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

THIS must have been a real shock for you and your fiancée, but the important thing is that she’s been diagnosed and is being treated. She will be very emotional at the moment and is probably struggling to accept what’s happening. I suspect when she suggested cancelling the wedding she really meant to postpone it.

A wedding day is one of the most important days in any woman’s life, she obviously wants to feel and look her best, and probably wants to wait until she has a better idea of when the treatment will end and when she feels better in herself. This is a tough time for all of you but you simply have to stay strong for each other, be there for her and do what she wants.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

THIS is a tough situation to be facing so soon into your relationship, but I am glad you have found happiness with each other. A diagnosis of breast cancer will require long-term follow up and the path you are now on will take some time to travel. You need to talk about your hopes and fears and also listen hard to the other’s point of view. In the circumstances, there may be worries about being well enough to cope with the ceremony or the possibility of hair loss before the big day. You can only take advice form the medical staff about these issues. But on a wider scale, getting married is about a life-time commitment to each other “in sickness and in health” and I am sure you want to love and support each other through whatever comes your way. You have both had a big shock and it will take a while to start to process the information you receive. Ask each other about hopes and fears. It is usual in the situation you describe for your fiancée to wish to spare you the distress of her illness, but ask her what she would say if it was you who was ill and I expect that she would say that she would like to go ahead with the wedding. I wish you luck.

FACTS ABOUT CANCER CASES

* There are more than 200 different types of cancer and more than a quarter of a million new cases are diagnosed each year.

* It is estimated that one in three people will develop cancer in their lifetime and in spite of radical improvement in treatment, it is still hugely feared.

* Breast cancer is by far the most commonly diagnosed cancer in females, accounting for almost one-third (31 per cent) of all female cases

* In 2008, lung cancer overtook colorectal cancer (commonly known as bowel cancer) to become the second most commonly diagnosed cancer in women