Expert Answers: Tears, troubles and teenagers

COMPARING your two girls won’t help you or them.

They are individuals and what is right for one isn’t necessarily right for the other, however much easier it would make life for you.

Many other mothers could tell you that your younger daughter is probably fairly typical for girls of her age.

Fortunately, though, most of them grow up into reasonably pleasant adults.

We live in a very materialistic society, so it is hard for young people when they see all their friends with things they cannot have for themselves. But she needs to learn the value of money and, if she wants something like a mobile phone, perhaps she could work for it.

Finding a job might not be easy and there are some strict guidelines as to how much she can do and when.

Paper rounds were once the traditional way of young people earning pocket money, but she could think about shops, restaurants, hotels and supermarkets. She could also ask around for opportunities to babysit, walk dogs, wash cars and so forth.

Telling your daughter you can’t afford things hasn’t helped, so try pointing out that while none of you can afford things you might like, she can help herself if she wants them badly enough.

There can be a lot of fun and enjoyment in living with a teenager, but there can also be some very tough times, as most parents will agree.

Communication is important – during both the good and the tough times. To go about improving communication between you and your child, you can cultivate the following habits:

Make time together: At least one meal a day could be a family meal – they may complain, but don’t give up.

Research shows that eating together is an important way of cementing family relationships.

If you can, use flexi-time arrangements to be at home when your child gets in from school one day each week. Organise a regular family outing such as shopping, a football match or bowling. Insist that children help with cooking and washing up – working together gives a good opening for small talk and big talk, if need be.

Listen: Your child needs space to talk in. She may often find it hard to put her feelings into words. Just knowing that you are listening can be enough.

Involve her: Talk about yourself – not about your problems but about your daily life. If she feels included in the things you do, she is more likely to see the value of including you in the things she does.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

TEENAGE behavioural problems are common and there are many causes for example hormonal and physical changes, stress and peer group pressure. It is important to recognise that every child is different: The worst thing any parent can do is compare children. This will only exacerbate more behavioural problems. You need to recognise if there is genuinely a problem with your teenager and find ways to help them solve their problems independently. It may be worth explaining to your daughter that while she may want a mobile phone etc, these things have to be paid for and perhaps she could look at getting a paper round or help with tidying the garden etc, and that maybe she could earn some money that way in order to help pay for things that she wants. This will teach her the value of money and show her that things won’t just come to her because she wants them. Also, perhaps you could go over the household budget with her so she can see exactly how much money is coming in and out. Once she sees that very little is left over for “luxury” items, maybe she will stop demanding what you simply cannot give.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

THERE are two issues here. The first is what’s going on at school and the second is her complaints about not having what everyone else has. First I would go to her head of year and try to get to the bottom of the problems in school. Let them know you are finding things tough and see if they have any suggestions of ways in which you and her teachers could help your daughter. Let her know that you are doing this because you love her and care about her. The best way to prevent an argument is to adopt the ‘Broken Record’ technique, which means that you don’t get into a dialogue, you state what you are doing and why, and leave it at that. As for the lack of mobile phones etc, the bottom line is that you don’t have the money to do this. You have gone down the road of long explanations and got nowhere. I do think you need to let her know that you understand how important it is to her, and it’s not because you are being mean – you can’t do it. She is young and immature and wants what is called ‘immediate gratification’. It’s a hard lesson, but we can’t always have what we want.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

‘NO’ is a hard word for a teenager to understand, but in this case, you need to say it, and firmly. You also need to say clearly that you can’t afford it, even though you may be reluctant to do so. If she still persists, then it could be that this is just an attention seeking form of behaviour which may be stimulated by her perception that you favour the older daughter, and this is her way of getting your attention. If this is the case, then you need to find ways of giving her the attention she seeks in a different way, not by reacting to demanding behaviour, but proactively involving her in some activity of yours, like cooking or sewing or by doing something with her you know she likes, like going to a film or going out for a meal, etc. You should also do this with her only but explain what you are doing to your older daughter, who I am sure will understand.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

IN my professional experience, demands for material; goods or ‘stuff’ are rarely about the item or items they purport to be about. Often, when the surface is broken and the issue explored, the young person concerned has some emotional issues which they find hard to express. Some young people talk about a ‘dark place inside which is impossible to fill’ – the demand for ‘stuff’ is about being ‘loved’ or ‘recognised’ or ‘part of the in/cool crowd’. Sometimes their dissatisfaction comes from family issues or wider peer difficulties, it is crucial to try and have a conversation with her about why she ‘needs’ things and what it makes her feel about herself. In a family where you have a ‘perfect’ older sibling, your only hope for recognition might be by being the ‘difficult’ one. Is there something that your younger daughter excels at that her older sister has not done? Try to discover her ‘good difference’, that way she may not have to show you her ‘difficult side’ to be noticed.

STICKING TO THE RULES

PAULA Hall, Relate counsellor, psychotherapist and mum of two teenage daughters, says living together happily through the teen years works best if clear boundaries are set early.

“Decide what your ‘bottom line’ is and stick to it,” says Paula. “In our house, the rule for my daughters is tidy up after yourself and cook one evening a week.”

Try to make sure she knows what the boundaries are and the consequences of breaching them.

Having trouble with your teen? Speak to Parentline Plus 24/7, free, on 0808 800 2222.