Finding right way to a good death

Most of us don’t like to think about it even less discuss it.

Death really is one of the last taboos.

Yet according to a growing number of organisations and professionals working in end-of-life care, the more we can talk about it, the less there is to fear.

Hazel Rowntree from Malton, firmly believes it is possible to plan “a good death”.

Neither an undertaker nor a member of the medical profession, Hazel is a counsellor and a specially trained soul midwife who works to help the terminally ill achieve a good death.

“There is a growing body of people wishing to help those who are dying to experience as good a death as possible,” says Hazel.

“As a society we have removed the process of dying into hospitals and hospices. We have become less familiar with death and as a result, we are more fearful of our own mortality.”

She points out that not so long ago people would die at home, surrounded by their family. Children would be familiar with seeing someone die and with the act of grieving. A village would call upon the services of a “wise woman” who would use their knowledge of birth and death to give practical help and support.

Now soul midwives are going some way towards rekindling these roles. And while it may seem like a terribly depressing job, Hazel says it leaves her feeling enlightened.

“I find it very rich. It is sad and it’s happy at the same time. I’ve supported someone in experiencing this journey.”

She decided to train as a soul midwife after spending all night with her dying father.

“It was such an amazing experience. I sat with him all night with my mother and my daughter and we talked and we told stories and we laughed and cried and it was just incredible.

“It was very intimate. It’s that final letting go and knowing it’s inevitable really.”

Hazel trained as a counsellor and became interested in bereavement counselling two years ago when she met Felicity Warner, a former journalist, who runs a training course in soul midwifery from her base in Bridport, Dorset.

“My basis is my counselling. Throughout the whole process I remain very person-centred,” says Hazel. “It is all about listening and connecting with the person. In the early stages we look at a death plan.

“The idea is to help support them in as good a death as possible. A good death is pain-free, with less anxiety. I help people with their fears.”

Hazel, who is a life-long Quaker, will use her counselling techniques to help the dying person solve some of their psychological issues, such as a fear of letting go.

“It’s helping them to resolve and celebrate the things in their lives, look at regrets and resolve problems.”

This may mean tying up any loose ends, such as an unresolved conflict with a family member.

The death plan also asks people to visualise their favourite place and the best situation they would like to die in. They may prefer to be lying on a beach, in their garden, or wrapped in fur by a fireside.

She adds: “That probably won’t happen but when you are dying you can use the visualisation to place yourself there.”

On a practical level, she will look at the choice and colour of bedding and whether someone wishes to use essential oils. She grows her own herbs and makes her own lavender bags.

Before training to become a counsellor, Hazel spent six years in the soft furnishings business and worked for the Designers Guild.

She has used this experience to create her own range of soul wraps, a tailor-made quilt with pockets to store letters or poems.

She says the idea is that the cover can then be used as a shroud and placed in the coffin.

Just like the growing trend for organising alternative funerals, Hazel believes more people will switch on to the idea of employing a soul midwife.

“Do-it-yourself funerals are growing immensely and I think people are starting to think well actually, we can have more control over how we want to die.”

Indeed given the choice, most of us would prefer to die at home, according to the results of a poll commissioned by the think tank, Demos. Two-thirds of people said they would prefer to die at home, surrounded by family, friends and cherished possessions. While only eight per cent would choose to die in hospital, the reality is that 60 per cent of the half a million people who die in Britain each year, die in a hospital.

The Demos report, Dying for Change, recommends better end-of-life planning and support to enable more people to die at home, including the creation of more home hospices and shared housing schemes with expert nursing support.

David Praill, chief executive of the charity Help the Hospices says he would like to see more public debate around the subject of dying.

“A good death cannot be achieved when people continue to shy away from talking about death and dying. For too many people, their fears and anxieties act as a barrier to them accessing vital care and support at the end of life, in the place of their choice,” says Mr Praill.

“The less of a taboo there is around talking about death and dying, the more likely we are to experience the best possible end-of-life care.”

MATTERS TO BE CONSIDERED

* Think about where you would like to die

* How much information would you like to be given?

* Would you like any religious ceremonies or rituals?

* Would you like any singing, chanting or poems spoken aloud?

* Who would you like to have with you?

* Are there any issues you need to resolve?

* Hazel Rowntree works at the Back2Health Clinic in Kirkbymoorside and soon at the Healing Clinic in York. www.hazelrowntreecounselling.com or www.soulmidwives.co.uk. The charge for the soul midwife is £40 an hour.