Friendly hand that’s become a big hit online

Loneliness is a scourge of our times with one in three people over the age of 50 struggling with the condition. Nicky Solloway meets one woman who thinks she may have found a solution.
Togetherfriends  founder Helen KingTogetherfriends  founder Helen King
Togetherfriends founder Helen King

Statistically you are more likely to feel alone at two very different stages of your life.

According to Jack Neill-Hall from the Campaign to End Loneliness, the condition largely affects people in their late teens and early 20s and then from their mid-50s to old age.

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“Loneliness is a subjective experience and it’s a mismatch between the quantity and quality of social relationships that we would like to have in our lives and what we actually have,” he says.

Helen KingHelen King
Helen King

“Often what people use as a proxy measure is something called social connections and that’s looking at the number of people you have social contact with in a given week. If you turn up to a party you might have social contact with lots of people but you might still feel alone and not have any quality relationships within that.”

Mr Neill-Hall adds that loneliness is a major cause of ill health. Research has even shown that loneliness is twice as bad for health as obesity.

But finding new friends when you reach a certain age isn’t as easy as it once was. Gone are the care-free days of school, when sharing a bag of toffee bon bons or doing cartwheels around the playground set you up with a best friend forever. Connecting with like-minded people in middle age can be tough.

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Which is why an Ilkley woman has set up a website especially for women to meet and make new friends.

Since Helen King, 53, launched togetherfriends.com in September, she has been swamped with enquiries from all over the country.

“Most women just want to extend their social circle and meet for a coffee, a glass of wine or a walk in the countryside. Some are looking for travel companions or a friend to go along to the local dance class with.

“Many of the women who have signed up are at turning points in their lives. They may have recently moved to a new area, have retired, got divorced or the children may have left home. Most are just looking for someone locally to meet up with.”

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Women can register on the website for free, giving details of age, location and interests. They then receive ‘matches’ of like-minded women. If they find someone that they would like to get in touch with, they pay £9.99 for the year to connect to as many women as they wish.

“The website is doing really well in Yorkshire, with many ladies receiving a lot of matches and contacting each other.”

Helen decided to set up togetherfriends.com after realising she had no one to go out for a walk with one day.

“The idea came about when I wanted to go out hiking for the day, but had no one to go with. My family and friends were either not available, or were not interested in hiking.  I have lots of friends but we don’t always want to do the same things, they are often busy with their own families and pursuing other interests. 

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“One of my friends is a keen golfer, something I am not so interested in. Another likes to horse ride, again not one of my pursuits, so I realised that you sometimes need a friend for a particular hobby. 

“Also people are available at different times. Some have very busy jobs, so are not available for a mid-week coffee. It’s not so much that people don’t have friends, it’s more that you tend to do different things with different people.”

While many of the women joining the site are just looking for a wider circle of friends, some may also admit that they feel a little lonely. According to the Office for National Statistics, one in three people over 50 struggles with loneliness, fuelled in part by a rise in baby boomer divorce cases. While loneliness is most acute among those who live alone or have long-term illness, divorce and separation among the over 50s is a major factor.

Loneliness is linked to increased blood pressure, cognitive decline, dementia, depression and cardiovascular disease. And when people are lonely they are much more likely to live the kind of lifestyle that causes illness – drinking too much, smoking, eating less fruit and vegetables and taking less exercise.

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“It affects your self-confidence and that makes it more difficult for you to challenge the state you are getting into and these can be triggers for a heightened state of loneliness in later life if not addressed earlier,” says Mr Neill-Hall.

Helen’s website is only for women looking for friends, it isn’t a dating site.

“I recognised that 
women love to have friends and gain lots of support 
from friendships. It’s often the spur of the moment things that it is difficult to find a companion for,” she says.

Judith Cooke, 52, from Leeds, decided to join togetherfriends after moving back to the UK from Spain.

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“I came to Leeds two and a half years ago, after living abroad for nearly 20 years, for my partner to do a course in interpreting at the university, and for me to try and get back in to teaching. We also wanted our seven-year-old daughter to go to a school in the UK.

“It’s been harder for me to make friends as I am limited to school hours, and most of the mums at school are 20 years younger than me. Having a daughter who still needs me at home, and a partner who works every hour of the day, I grab my free, social time when I can.

“I see myself as a young 52-year-old and very active – I cycled 400km across Cuba last year.”

She thinks the website is a great way to meet new people. “You can find people who are genuinely keen to go out and do something together. I don’t enjoy putting myself forward, or standing out on my own, so a web-based social network seems like a good idea.”

Find friends online at sites such as togetherfriends.com.

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The Yorkshire Post is campaigning to combat 
the problem of loneliness affecting people across the region. There are 281,870 over 65s who live alone across Yorkshire and almost a third – admit to feeling lonely all the time or often. We have joined forces with national charity – the Campaign to End Loneliness – to urge all local authorities to write loneliness into their health strategies and to encourage more volunteers to take part in projects to alleviate the problem.

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