Helping hand needed for the grandparents who offer loving homes across generations

With a new report exposing the heartache of children in care, Sarah Freeman reports on why grandparents could and should be left holding the baby.

Christine MacDonald knew the arrival of her granddaughter Hollie was not going to be easy.

For some years she’d had a difficult relationship with her own daughter, Dawn. She had watched her grow dependent on drugs and knew she had drunk heavily during pregnancy.

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By the time Hollie was born, Christine and her second husband Tony had already come to a decision. Knowing Dawn was unable to look after herself, let alone a baby, they put themselves forward as Hollie’s main carers.

“Dawn was always under the influence of alcohol or some other substance when she was carrying Hollie,” says Tony. “We knew there was no way she was in a fit state to care for Hollie, so we did what any grandparent would do.”

With a residence order secured, as soon as Hollie was ready to leave the maternity ward she passed into the care of her grandparents. Ten years on, she’s still there and while every day brings fresh challenges, the MacDonalds, who live on Teeside, have never once regretted their decision.

“Hollie is like a daughter,” says Tony. “I have three daughters and a son from my first marriage and when Christine and I got married I took on her four daughters and a son. In some ways it helped that we basically looked after her from day one and all we can say is that we have tried to do our best by her.”

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While the last decade has not been easy for the MacDonalds, they are in many ways the lucky ones. According to a report out today, many children are prevented from living with grandparents by a system which has historically given greater weight to the permanency of adoption.

Worse, the report Too Old to Care?, which has been compiled by the charity Grandparents Plus, also claims that social workers have often been guilty of making ageist assumptions about a grandparent’s ability to look after young children.

Like many of those who find themselves in the position of having to raise a family when they should be enjoying retirement, Tony and Christine are not in the best of health. He is 70 and was forced to retire early from his job as an electrical engineer suffering from respiratory disease, the result of exposure to asbestos early in his career. Christine is epileptic and a number of years ago also suffered a stroke which means she has also become more reliant on her husband.

However, despite the setbacks they have provided Hollie with stability and, with a substantial number of foster placements breaking down, that’s not something the traditional care system can’t always offer.

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“We all manage together,” says Tony. “Two of our own daughters are close at hand and they think the world of Hollie. Their children go to the same school and Hollie has never really been brought up as an only child because she sees so much of her cousins.

“She’s doing well academically and she really is a bright girl. She can dance, sing and is brilliant at gymnastics and trampolining. We try to give her every opportunity we gave our own children. We can’t afford a foreign holiday this year, but Hollie has seen a lot more things than many children her age and the one thing we can give her is our time.”

However, the MacDonalds are honest enough to admit that the situation is far from idyllic. Growing up with her grandparents, Hollie has had very little contact with her father, and the relationship with her mother remains a source of ongoing stress to the entire family. Tony and Christine have been to court on several occasions to secure non-molestation orders and the tension has inevitably had an impact on Hollie.

“Sometimes she can be hard work,” says Tony. “Having witnessed so much violence from her mother, she does have a temper. If she can’t get her own way she tends to throw things and while her behaviour has improved, it is little wonder that she occasionally lashes out.

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“She has grown up knowing her mum and dad aren’t there for her, but it’s an impossible thing for a child to understand and she does take it out on us sometimes.

“The other night she stormed upstairs telling us what awful parents we are because she couldn’t get her own way. She apologised straight afterwards, and slowly but surely she is starting to think before she acts, but it’s going to take time.”

As with many youngsters who find themselves in the care of their grandparents, whether because of bereavement, prison or drug abuse, the true impact of not having their own parents around often takes years to realise.

Hollie has received counselling from a project based at a local drug and alcohol service, which was set up to support families effected by abuse. However, the MacDonalds have had no support in managing contact with her mother, who is currently serving a prison sentence for assaulting Christine and, aside from the usual child benefit and child tax credit payments, the couple have also struggled financially.

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“A year or two ago we were having a really bad time with Hollie. We were at a loss to know what to do or where we were going wrong,” says Tony. “We asked for a social worker, but were told we weren’t entitled to one. Basically, they came to the house, saw it was a decent loving home and therefore we didn’t seem to register on their radar.”

“Hollie’s mother has had so much support to help her recover, but it never seems to do any good. I won’t lie, it is incredibly frustrating to think that she has had more help than we have. It makes you think the system is wrong somewhere.”

As part of their report, Grandparents Plus have made a number of recommendations to the Government. They include the use of direct payments to family to allow them to decide how best to meet the needs of the children they are bringing up and a review of the financial support available to family and friend carers to avoid children suffering financial hardship or being unnecessarily taken into care.

The report also marks the start of a hard-hitting campaign, backed by Comic Relief, called Keep Families Together, which highlights how many older grandparents are reluctant to approach children’s services for support. Many fear that if they admit they are in need of help it will end with their grandchildren being removed from their home and placed with a foster family.

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As one grandmother, who has been raising her eight-year-old grandson since he was born, admitted to the charity: “When the local authority comes near us from time to time it’s very scary because obviously we don’t want him to be taken away.”

Clearly, there is much work which needs to be done, but while they know the future will no doubt pose more hurdles, the Macdonalds, like many other grandparents in their position are clear about one thing.

“It’s been a struggle mentally, physically and financially,” says Tony. “You don’t know how hard it is until it actually happens. But we are very proud of Hollie and ourselves, the way we’ve coped. We do worry what would happen to her if neither of us was around, but you can’t spend all your time worrying about the future. Hollie is with us now and we wouldn’t have it any other way.”

For more details of the Grandparents Plus campaign visit www.keepfamiliestogether.org.uk